The Spoon

Swing Vote: Political Nuttiness Gone Sour

2008-08-10T14:55:00.004-10:00

I don't understand why the forces behind Swing Vote chose to saddle their film with a "hero" like Bud Johnson (Kevin Costner) and cast off any hope of becoming a clever political satire. Rather than dish out some much-deserved digs at the U.S. political campaign machine, director Joshua Michael Stern instead felt content to focus on the "redemption" of swing voter Bud, a wholly undeserving character.

When the two major presidential candidates discover that Bud possesses the deciding vote between each of them, they flub their brains trying to win over the unemployed, barely educated, NASCAR-loving alcoholic. Kelsey Grammar as the incumbent President tries to distill the election process into a complicated football analogy of which he is the star player. Democratic candidate Don Greenleaf (Dennis Hopper) knocks himself on his backside shooting a hunting rifle to prove he's a Regular Joe. But the candidates' efforts -- and Swing Vote's attempts at satire -- are in vain because Bud is too dumb, drunk, and willfully ignorant to function, let alone choose the next leader of the free world.

Swing Vote is at its sharpest when Bud's unlikely authority is used to wipe away the endless political posturing and "justificating" to reveal the blatant pandering underneath. The candidates flip flop on the gravest issues like immigration and abortion, each invoking the time-honored political cry that he "can't do any good if he doesn't win." The candidates' over-the-top commercials reveal the shallowness of that argument.

After these shots over the bow, mysteriously, sadly, we are stuck again with Bud's story of redemption. Except so much is made of Bud's ignorance, disdain for education, and lackluster parenting skills -- all of which are clothed in the sheer guise of humorous quirks -- that it would feel out of character if Bud showed the initiative to begin flossing.

I was mildly entertained when I first saw Swing Vote. The Daily Show and The Colbert Report proved that contemporary politics are ripe for the poking, and Swing Vote does make an obligatory poke or two. But Bud Johnson gets the lion's share of attention, and his lone saving grace, his love for his young daughter, is rarely sufficient to wake him out of a drunken stupor. Swing Vote might raise a chuckle at the U.S. political machine, but the thought of a Bud Johnson directing America's future is almost too frightening to consider.

2008 Summer Movie Extravaganza Part III

2008-07-24T13:17:00.001-10:00

Part III of the Extravaganza continues. Read up on Part I and II to catch up, slowpoke.

WALL-E

The Good: The tale of a lonely robot's galaxy-wide quest for his true love (and incidentally, humanity's lone chance at survival) upholds Pixar's well-deserved reputation for jaw-dropping visuals and touching revelations.

The Bad: Youngsters won't notice the irony of a Disney film's anti-consumerism message, but it may irk adults... until they find out that WALL-E has been in development since Pixar was independent.

The Delicious: How WALL-E's cockroach companion never lets a pounding keep him down.

Wanted

The Good: James McAvoy makes a convincing yuppie-turned-assassin and mows down enemies while looking almost as good as Angelina Jolie.

The Bad: All the kids who'll now think their panic attacks means they can jump fifty yards across rooftops.

The Delicious: When McAvoy reaps bloody vengeance on a building filled with master assassins.

Hancock

The Good: Hancock's decision to hire a PR guy to change his image as a drunken, belligerent superhero is the kind of intelligent almost-breaking-the-fourth-wall-but-not-quite plot device that make film and comic geeks smile.

The Bad: Charlize Theron's entire story arc belonged in a different, more serious movie.

The Delicious: After Hancock stops a speeding train from killing a bystander, the surrounding mob criticizes his technique.

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

The Good: Wisecracks. Check. Creepy villains. Check. Visuals straight out of a Guillermo Del Toro's movie. Check.

The Bad: I love Selma Blair, but she was wrong for Liz Sherman in the first Hellboy film and nothing's changed for the second.

The Delicious: That Prince Nuada sure knows how to fight.

The Dark Knight

The Good: Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker has the fascinating, disturbing quality of picking a hideous scab -- you can't look away.

The Bad: Some of the schemes are needlessly complicated. You'll ask yourself afterwards, "why didn't they just __?

The Delicious: The Joker's "experiments" are common comic book fodder, but for once they look and feel realistic and tense as hell.

Journey to the Center of the Earth

The Good: The concept of traveling deep inside the Earth is as cool now as it was back in 1959 when the original film came out.

The Bad: Besides a floating rock sequence there aren't too many genuinely exciting moments.

The Delicious: It takes balls to disregard physics and the laws of nature so completely.

You want to know who else has balls? The other Large Association of Movie Blogs members. They've got the balls to stuff your face with huge, ripe movie nuggets.

2008 Summer Movie Extravaganza Part II

2008-07-21T17:12:00.005-10:00

Last week I laid out the Good, the Bad, and the Delicious for summer movies from May. Now I turn my critical squint on some more summer films of June.

Kung Fu Panda

The Good: This lighthearted tale of a young panda (voiced by Jack Black) who must slip his bulk into the role of defender against a twisted tiger warrior lays out some meaty martial arts sequences.

The Bad: Virtually no double entendres for the adults.

The Delicious: The opening scene features an edgy style of animation that hopefully pops up in other productions.

Mongol

The Good: Fascinating look into Mongolian way of life as seen through the eyes of young Temudjin, who would become known as Gengis Khan.

The Bad: Stark, beautiful landscapes impart the scenes with epic grandeur but the film's events are surprisingly limited in scope. Of course, expected future installments should fix that.

The Delicious: Rubbing your hands whenever somebody messes with the young Khan and thinking, "Oh, he is going to regret THAT."

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

The Good: Exudes the happily dumb energy that's been missing from Adam Sandler's previous projects. Contributions from Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow probably deserve the credit.

The Bad: For a film that has a running gag about the lead character's bushel of pubic hair, Zohan is more good-natured than funny.

The Delicious: Watching Nick Swardson come to terms with Zohan "shtupping" his mom. And yes, I had to look that one up.

The Incredible Hulk

The Good: This lighter take on the Green One (compared to Ang Lee's 2003 Hulk) makes its brutal fights more realistic while limiting the emotional baggage to Iron Man's level.

The Bad: Tim Roth's pudgy appearance prior to his transformation from an over-the-hill soldier to genetically-modified killing machine is absurd for an elite commando.

The Delicious: The Hulk's appearance makes Bruce Banner an outcast in society, but, more importantly, the Hulk stops him from freaking on Liv Tyler.

Get Smart

The Good: Steve Carrell's Maxwell Smart is smarter than the Max of old, but sports a timeless klutziness that would make Don Adams proud.

The Bad: In between hilarious scenes like the airplane jump and the ballroom dance are lengthy periods with few gags worthy of a chuckle.

The Delicious: Watching Max talk down an enemy agent with empathy and a shared love of Ryan Seacrest radio.

Check back for the third and final part in my 2008 Summer Movie Extravaganza and head over to the Large Association of Move Blogs to check out more movie madness.

2008 Summer Movie Extravaganza

2008-07-15T21:29:00.003-10:00

Ever see that martial arts anime Dragonball where the characters charge up their powers all the time and every fourth episode is reserved for, you know, actually fighting? That's how my summer's been so far. Watching movies, charging up. Watching more movies, charging up some more. But now it's time to fight, and by fight I mean lay out the Good, the Bad, and the Delicious for 2008's summer movies.

(And in case you hadn't heard, they're also making Dragonball into a movie. Go figure.)

Fist up, the May movies:

Iron Man

The Good: Robert Downey Jr. was born to play the wisecracking, billionaire playboy genius who fights crime in a mechanized suit of armor.

The Bad: My inner pyro would've enjoyed a few more explosions.

The Delicious: The way Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepperidge Potts helps Downey Jr. fix up his suit's power source by digging her hand through his mucus-y chest cavity.

Speed Racer

The Good: Of the film's three races, the second, which is the most entertaining, feels like a cross between the Twisted Metal video game franchise and the Cruisin' World arcade game. All three races are possible epileptic attacks in waiting, but the other two races are too confusing to be half as entertaining.

The Bad: The tired plot. It made me nap until my next seizure.

The Delicious: Roger Allam as the oily Mr. Royalton.

What Happens in Vegas

The Good: Virtually painless romantic comedy with likable leads and cute story.

The Bad: Virtually painless romantic comedy that's as riveting as those What Happens in Vegas ads.

The Delicious: The hilarious banter of sidekicks Lake Bell and Rob Corddry.

Redbelt

The Good: Director David Mamet's latest film follows his tried and true "everything falls apart around an innocent dude" theme but this time the innocent dude is a badass martial arts instructor.

The Bad: Not much actual martial arts.

The Delicious: The denouement doesn't make much sense, but righteous ass kicking can be very satisfying to watch.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

The Good: Graphic fairy tale battles make the adventures of adolescent Brits much darker and much more palatable for adults.

The Bad: Ben Barnes is British, so I can understand the need to change Prince Caspian's accent. But why did he have to choose one that sounds like he's talking with underwear stuffed in his mouth -- and dirty underwear at that?

The Delicious: Judging the sexual tension between Prince Caspian and High King Peter.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

The Good: Harrison Ford still has the physique and the charm to pull off a fedora.

The Bad: Unfortunately, everything else is a drop off from previous films as the Russkies stand in for the Nazis and a hokey crystal skull replaces the holy grail.

The Delicious: Shia LeBeouf's greaser character is too lightweight to carry on the Indy torch, as Spielberg has hinted is possible, but Shia's charismatic enough to put his own spin on the franchise.

Next up are the June and July summer movie breakdowns. Visit the Large Association of Movie Blogs for more movie potpourri but without the woodsy aromas.

A Quick Laugh

2008-06-17T02:17:00.005-10:00

The last several weeks have seen me devour movies, both new and old, the same way Homer Simpson eats donuts. I think my brain is about as full as Homer's gut too.

I'll be writing plenty of thoughts and reviews, but I felt like priming the pump with a skit by the comedy troupe Human Giant that tore me up.

Great Moments in Indiana Jones History

2008-05-26T09:25:00.007-10:00

Hana, Maui, which is where I spent most of this past week, boasts an other-worldly bamboo forest, breathtaking nude beaches, and internet access as reliable as a dead cat. At least that's my excuse for skimping on Indiana Jones posts when the Fedora-ed One is kind of a big deal around here and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull debuted in theaters last Thursday.

It should come as no surprise that a town without wireless signals or sports bars (no NBA Western Conference Finals!) also didn't have a theater. So consider me doubly guilty for not having even seen the latest Indy film. I'll be correcting that unfortunate oversight in a matter of hours, but before I go, I'd like to share a few sparkling moments from the previous Indiana Jones films with you all.

The Showdown - According to rumor, which I believe in this case, Harrison Ford wasn't feeling up to filming a lengthy fight with the swordsman in Raiders of the Ark. Rather than attempting the demanding stunt sequences, he instead suggested shooting this alternate version (pun intended).

The Hitler Autograph - Previously in this scene, Indy confronted Dr. Elsa Schneider for the Grail Diary in The Last Crusade and their dark exchange of threats lays a beautiful setting for this unexpected turn of events.

The Truck Chase - Spielberg outdid himself in choreographing a chase scene from Raiders that blended thrilling action with equal parts humor and violence. Only in an Indiana Jones movie can a guy get squashed by the protagonist and the audience chuckles at his death. His being a Nazi probably helps too.

Head for the Fireplace! - It's obvious that my favorite scenes brim with humor and this brief clip from The Last Crusade is no exception. Unfortunately, I couldn't find the entire scene but even these few seconds detail the natural chemistry between Harrison Ford and "dear old dad" Sean Connery.

I could go on and on but I'd like to hear which are your favorite scenes from the Indiana Jones series?

And for more great moments in cinema history, check out the movie blogs over at The Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB) for more humor and violence.

Plot Farming

2008-05-17T23:39:00.003-10:00

Don't forget to partake in the absurdly refreshing pastime that is poll-voting over at the Large Association of Movie Blogs. Piper, of Lazy Eye Theater fame, recently hosted another installment in the Plot Farm contest where wannabe plot-ists, such as myself, wrote up a dazzling new storyline using a series of random words and phrases. My entry focuses on a lost monkey spreading a highly arousing perfume across the nation -- think Outbreak but with an epidemic of dry humping.

Do not fight the horny monkey; just obey its wishes and vote for the best plot -- mine!

Three Reasons You Might Enjoy What Happens in Vegas (Seriously)

2008-05-16T01:18:00.006-10:00

One day every year I try to be a good son, which is how I found myself sitting in What Happens in Vegas on Mother’s Day. While I never expected to see the film, I wasn’t surprised to see a herd of couples in the theater grazing on milk duds and licorice (this was a “date movie” if I ever saw one). However, for a film banking on the sex appeal of two young hotties (A shton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz, who are forced to endure a sham marriage to split 3 mil in Vegas winnings), the audience was unusually… well seasoned. Even during the previews I could still make out the tap tap of white nursing shoes and the rustling of hairy knuckles reaching for popcorn.

This is an awful poster. I promise the film contains fewer expressions of douchebaggery

My geriatric peeps got pretty rowdy once the film began and, surprisingly enough, I laughed just as much because What Happens in Vegas wasn’t half bad. Low expectations may have fueled some of my enjoyment but the film deserves at least a couple bars of kudos.

Here then are a few reasons you too might enjoy What Happens in Vegas.

Kelso stars in Vegas in spirit only

Ashton Kutcher – "That 70s Show" ended with a whimper a couple of years ago, but during its heyday the sitcom mined plenty of laughs from its I-wish-I-were-that-clever teenage snarkfest and, more often than not, Kutcher’s gray matter-challenged Michael Kelso was on the receiving end of the snarking (burned!). In Vegas, Ashton takes a Kelso-like character to the big screen, albeit an older and (slightly) more intelligent version – a Kelso 2.0 if you will. Kutcher makes the transition work by restraining his penchant for overacting and lets the steady stream of amusing (if not hilarious) scenes do the heavy lifting.

Sidekicks done right – Rob Corddry was atrocious in Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, forced to push a one-laugh gag (if that) as an idiotic government agent to nearly half an hour of screen time (or maybe it just felt that way). This time Corddry plays Ashton Kutcher’s lawyer friend who bears a gratifying resemblance to his obtuse and playfully combative Daily Show correspondent persona. Less is more for comedic sidekicks and Corddry stays scarce enough to keep his bald-headed brand of humor golden. Also, wait past the credits for Lake Bell’s best contribution to the film. You’ll know what I’m talking about.

Surprisingly Touching Moments – The script putters itself into the cringe-worthy practice of describing relationships in gambling terms (“I’m ready to bet on you”) but I give props to screenwriter Dana Fox for including believable “aha” moments where the main stars begin that gushy slide into mutual attraction. I don’t want to spoil any major developments (not that you won’t see everything coming) but the courtship is refreshingly chaste and gives more credibility to the budding romance than the average rom-com.

Plastic sofa covers are like bling for your living room

Whatever Happens in Vegas is an excellent “date movie” and also, apparently, an awesome break from shopping for plastic sofa covers. But even if you don’t fit into those categories you now have three reasons to check it out. And now for my obligatory shout-out for the Large Association of Movie Blogs, where movie-goers both young and decrepit are always welcome.

My Mom's Ten Word Movie Review: Made of Honor

2008-05-11T14:33:00.005-10:00

My mom went to see Patrick Dempsey in Made of Honor the other day. I might have checked it out as well but I came down with a sudden case of masculinity.

Here's my mom's review:

"It satisfied my girlie movie fix."

And don't forget to satisfy your other movie needs at the Large Association of Movie Blogs.

Discovering Downey Jr.: Beyond Iron Man

2008-05-08T02:16:00.009-10:00

Now that Iron Man is a bonafide hit, Robert Downey Jr. looks set to make the figurative leap onto Hollywood's A-List. For those wanting to bone up on Junior's past films, here are a few movies I think show the actor at his neurotic, brilliant best. Your mileage may vary.

There's more to RD Jr. than creepy goatees and glowing palms

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - In my favorite film of the bunch, Downey seems to play himself if he were a small-time crook mistakenly cast as an actor in a crime drama and instructed to ride shotgun with a gay private detective (played by an appropriately smug Val Kilmer) to develop his character. Along the way, Downey's loveable screwup runs into an old flame whose sister's death prompts a real investigation that sizzles with neo-film noir style and whip smart dialogue.

Only You - I'm a sucker for (some) romantic comedies and Downey -- again playing himself, it seems -- falls hard for Marisa Tomei during an Italian rendezvous that flips the concept of soul mates on its head (Doesn't it sound like I'm writing an IMDB plot summary?). Expect the usual twists but the chemistry between the two leads is undeniable and makes for great fun that you can never admit to your friends (if you're a guy).

Chaplin - Downey takes a break from starring as himself to portray Charlie Chaplin in the film that garnered him an Oscar nod for Best Actor. He didn't win, but Chaplin remains Downey Jr.'s most critically acclaimed role to date.

Wonder Boys - Michael Douglas and Tobey Maguire take center stage in this comedic gem as a struggling English professor and his troubled star student but Robert Downey Jr. steals most of his scenes as the book editor who speaks and acts a lot like every other Downey character, which is to say, hilariously. And did I mention the film is based on Michael Chabon's book of the same name?

Did I miss any other Robert Downey Jr. films worth seeing? Leave your recommendations in the comments section.

And don't forget to check out the Large Association of Movie Blogs for your one-stop resource of movie blogs written by other guys who secretly like romantic comedies but aren't man enough to admit it.

Ten Word Movie Reviews: The Forbidden Kingdom

2008-05-04T10:16:00.009-10:00

I'm reintroducing a favorite segment of mine: Ten Word (or less) Movie Reviews.

The Jackie Chan and Jet Li martial arts vehicle The Forbidden Kingdom gets the first treatment with a round of family reviews.

From me:

"Karate Kid goes fantastical and contracts some epic yellow fever."

The father unit:

"Imagine Wizard of Oz with Jet Li and Jackie Chan."

And the maternal unit:

"It was ok. It wasn't the best."

Go ahead and add your own ten word (or less) movie review of The Forbidden Kingdom in the comments section. Also, head over to the Large Association of Movie Blogs for more sweaty movie review action.

The 2008 LAMMYS

2008-04-21T08:33:00.004-10:00

Yesterday, Fletch over at The Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB) finally lifted the curtain from the mysterious project he's hinted at for the last three (!) weeks. And underneath? The 2008 LAMMYS -- Grammy-style awards for the best and... the best of the rest. Here's a dollop of the categories lifted directly from the LAMB site.

Proving you can still enter a competition without getting heckled by Tibetan protesters

Best Blog The self-explanatory big kahuna.

Best Theme This could be anything, from a blog devoted solely to sound editing to a blog devoted to the work of Clint Howard.

Most Prolific Who makes you wonder how they sleep at night? Time to let them know their never-ending quest is worthwhile.

Best Use of Widgetology Anyone can place a number of widgets on their site, but the right mix and placement of widgets can turn a boring site into a great one. Who does it best?

Best Use of Technology (Alternative Media) This award is for the person who thinks the best outside the literary box, from effective use of video to photo manipulation to...well, you name it.

Most Likely to Get Paid for Blogging Our version of "Most Likely to Succeed."

This contest should be great fun for all current LAMB members but everyone else will have to drool from the outside like Tiny Tim slobbering from a window since nominations and voting are limited to those in the club. If you want to be included in future events then scoot your butt over to the Large Association of Movie Blogs and contact Fletch for the initiation rites.

Suzanne Stone Maretto Needs Your Help! Again!

2008-04-11T12:43:00.003-10:00

It's Round Two in the Sirens of the LAMBs contest wherein The Spoon's sponsored femme fatale, Suzanne Stone (To Die For), takes on Kyra (The Chronicles of Riddick).

Head over to the Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB) for the full match up, but here's a quick preview: Suzanne ensnares Kyra in a shopping frenzy gone sexily lethal while Kyra invokes her inner survivor to outlast Suzanne.

Voting ends Saturday afternoon so make certain you go vote now before Suzanne Stone has to teach you a lesson.

The Rolling Stones star in Shine a Light

2008-04-11T02:53:00.009-10:00

Halfway through Shine a Light a reporter sticks his microphone towards Mick Jagger's baby-smooth face and asks the singer if he can imagine performing on stage when he's sixty. Without a hint of humor or cockiness The Rolling Stone's frontman replies, "Easily."

Warning: Staring at Mick Jagger's hips may cause impure dreams

Martin Scorsese inserts many such news clips throughout footage from two of The Stones' performances in New York City's Beacon Theater in late 2006. The result can barely be called a documentary because of its superficial nature that rarely delves deeper than Jagger and the band's wrinkled surface but the film nonetheless succeeds as an energetic tribute to The Stones' endurance and remarkable showmanship.

I can admit that I didn't know much Rolling Stones history walking into the theater and upon leaving I didn't know much more; Shine a Light isn't that kind of movie.

Even calling Shine a Light a movie is a bit of a stretch. The tagline on the film's poster reads "Experience it in IMAX" and "experience" is a far more accurate description of the film. Scorsese mercifully avoids a "Behind the Music" story arc and focuses primarily on the Stones' Beacon Theater performance and for the most part this works just fine, especially if you've never seen the band live and, even if you have, I guarantee that you've never seen them this close before.

Keith Richards looks fabulous for a ninety-four year old guy. Too bad he's actually sixty-four

Jagger, Richards, Watts, and Wood burst off the screen thanks to endlessly creative camera angles and borderline-obscene clarity. The camera work is akin to watching a Stones' live performance on a front row chair sprinkled in fairy dust that can swoop and float across the stage. The level of definition is equally incredible; close ups of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards' faces will leave you swearing you've accidentally wandered into a recreation of the moon landing.

But looking great is only one part of the equation and, thankfully, The Stones justify Scorcese's interest and prove they can still bring the noise. The band is loud and exhilarating and Mick Jagger is, bar none, the best sixty-something stage performer out there. He might not have the same vocal strength he used to, but his ability to prance and sing without degenerating into Darth Vader huffing is nearly as superb as his obvious physical conditioning. The man is ripped ten ways from Sunday.

Balancing out Mick Jagger's unnatural sinuous grace is Keith Richards' awkward "dance moves, " which include circling Ronnie Wood like a scuttling crab and flicking guitar picks into the audience. Meanwhile Charlie Watts never fails to look like a five-foot pole resides underneath his buttock and Ronnie Wood does his best Rod Stewart impersonation, but watching each band members' quirks is surprisingly entertaining.

Shine a Light would have been even more entertaining with additional archived footage to inject further texture into the performance. Martin Scorsese obviously wanted to make a film that was loud, fun, and easy to digest but he missed out on an obvious opportunity to give Shine greater staying power.

For example, Keith Richards sings vocals later in the set list. Musically, Richards' performance is the weakest portion of the concert and the film, but Scorsese offsets the lull by inserting more interviews. In one interview he and Ronnie Wood joke about who is the better guitarist and their banter flavors the glowing nods they threw each other while rocking out on stage. In another interview, Richards shies away from discussing his numerous addictions and dangerous lifestyle and credits his survival to luck. These snippets add extra wrinkles to The Rolling Stones' performance and infuse a greater sense of perspective and accomplishment. It's a shame more weren't included.

If you've already seen the Stones live or have watched a true documentary on the band's history then Shine a Light will no doubt prove a redundant experience. But if you've done neither, then do yourself a favor and check out Shine before it leaves theaters because it's almost, but not quite, as good as the real thing.

Head on over to the Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB) for more sites filled with movie reviews. Tell me them I sent you and you'll probably get kicked out so try to put in a good word for me.

Great Stubble in TV and Film

2008-04-02T09:52:00.003-10:00

Dr. Evil once said "there's nothing like a shorn scrotum -- it's breathtaking." Now I don't want to get into a debate about the merits of hairless scrota (that could take hours) but I would like to honor those men who buck the shearing trend and make face whiskers look good.

In no particular order...

Patrick Dempsey (Grey's Anatomy) - Without any stubble, Dr. Derek Shepherd is simply a mild-mannered doctor with great hair. Add the grizzle and he's every woman's fantasy: a hottie doctor that she can pretend is also a bad boy. (Dr. Shepherd might actually be a bad boy; I don't know since I've never seen the show, but if I did watch it, it'd be because of the stubble -- and Katherine Heigl).

Kiefer Sutherland (24) - The Kief almost got onto this list with The Lost Boys, but the mullet doesn't age nearly as well as the face whiskers. Fortunately Jack Bauer is man enough to make the cut in between his hectic schedule of saving the country and serving jail time.

Don Johnson (Miami Vice) - Nobody has done more to further the cause of facial stubble while simultaneously retarding America's fashion sense. Don Johnson tried to recreate the magic years later in Nash Bridges but his second biggest mistake was leaving the stubble in the 80s (the biggest mistake was using the name Nash Bridges).

Zachary Quinto (Heroes) - Skylar figures to be one of the less conflicted characters in Heroes (kill, kill, absorb powers!) but Zachary brings "texture" to his role with a truly magnificent five-o-clock shadow. Watching him makes you wish you'd been blessed with such facial-growth powers.

Brett Favre - (NFL - Retired) When Brett Favre retired the NFL lost not only an iconic iron man but also the grizzliest face in the league. I dare you to find a picture of Brett Favruh without any stubble -- that photo does not exist. This man embodies all the qualities that facial stubble stands for with his toughness, recklessness, and never-say-die-ness.

Matthew Fox (Lost) - After watching Dr. Jack Shephard tramp about a mysterious island for the last few years wearing a luxuriant face rug, you might be tempted to chalk the perfect growth up to another strange island power. And then you'd look at Hurley. Jack's natural charisma is greatly enhanced by his scruff that lets his frightened followers know that, despite his Ivy League education and occasional aloofness, he's just as stinky as them.

Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones) - I've already expounded Indiana's Greatness here at The Spoon, but it bears repeating that Indy is the pinnacle, nay, the apotheosis, of every-man-ness. He's smart, funny, resourceful, compassionate and he knows how to handle a whip. His man-scruff simply drives home how comfortable he is in his own well-worn shoes. Truly, he is a role model for our times.

Dylan McDermott (Big Shots) - The McDermott take on face stubble manages to combine arrogance and disdain with a playful boyishness. I'm not really certain how he does it, but his character Duncan Collingsworth (the name even sounds pretentious) really should be an unforgivable a-hole but isn't. I think the love-able scruff is a big part of the reason why.

Hugh Laurie (House) - By far the ugliest growth on this list belongs to the character who is possibly the most brilliant. Dr. House understands that the best way to prevent your genius medical abilities from putting off people (remember, he's a teddy bear deep down inside) is to grow a "pubical" concoction on your face. It doesn't look good, which almost made me pull House from this list, but the faux-surly doc would fail to garner much sympathy without the scruff.

That's my personal list for the greatest stubble in TV and film but I'm sure I left out a bunch. Feel free to let me know who your nominations are by commenting below.

Also, check out the Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB) for a wide variety of, you guessed it, movie blogs about other fun movie topics and possibly even more facial stubble discussions (though I doubt it).

12:01: The Reality

2008-03-29T08:42:00.006-10:00

You remember 12:01, right? The Jonathon Silverman vehicle of the early 90s that starred Silverman as an office worker who, through a fortunate accident, is the only person on the planet not caught in a time-loop that reboots everyday at 12:01am?

Even if you do remember that goofy, sci-fi flick, chances are you're unaware they're making a sequel -- but this time in reality. Dun dun dun!

Better watch all your favorite Jonathon Silverman movies before the world ends/gets caught in perpetual time-loops

According to an article in the New York Times, scientists from the European Center for Nuclear Research or CERN (which is most definitely an evil organization-sounding name if I've ever heard one) have spent 14 years and $8 billion dollars building the "Large Hadron Collider" (again, evil-sounding) which is designed to "recreate energies and conditions last seen a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang." Harmless enough, right?

But scientists like Walter Wagner and Luis Sancho are concerned that CERN hasn't taken the necessary safety precautions and believe the Large Hadron Collider could potentially produce a black hole. And not just the tiny kind that Stephen Hawking predicted would evaporate like a fart lit on fire, but a big, nasty one like a fart powered by cans and cans of refried beans and then lit on fire for all of eternity.

The scientist types are abuzz with black holes fears, but if I remember correctly the time-loop in 12:01 began with a similar experiment in particle collisions. Mmmmm.

So if in the future you notice that your day is repeating again and again 12:01 style, or you've been sucked into a nasty black hole, don't say I didn't warn you.

For more discussions about movie-related doomsday scenarios (not really) visit Large Association of Movie Blogs!

Looking Ahead: Baby Mama Preview

2008-03-27T20:05:00.007-10:00

Tina Fey is no doubt one of the rising stars in comedy, not unlike a female Judd Apatow. Every one of Ms. Fey's projects, from Weekend Update at SNL, to Mean Girls, to 30 Rock, has sparkled with her whip-smart take on the absurdities of every day life. Her latest project, Baby Mama, is due out April 25th and I have no problem admitting that I'm interested in the flick despite its estrogen-heavy premise. Fey, a single woman desperate for motherhood, recruits a childish, none-too-bright girl (Amy Poehler) to be her surrogate.

I couldn't find a movie poster so this'll have to do. Oh well.

Reuniting Tina Fey and Amy Poehler is a no-brainer recipe for a sharp, snarky film but I'm not sure if the premise will prove adequately substantive for this talented cast (which also features Greg Kinnear, Sigourney Weaver, Romany Malco, and Dax Shephard - remember him?). Writer/director Michael McCullers is an SNL veteran but that's not necessarily a good thing in a movie director as most SNL movies tend to suffer from skit-itis and feel like a five minute skit stretched out to 105.

If anyone can play a semi-retarded surrogate who can't operate a child-proofed toilet it's Amy Poeher. She's got charm for days, but very few people outside of Will Ferrell can play semi-retarded goofballs for an entire movie and not incur viewer's eternal hatred. It's going to take strong performances by both Fey, Kinnear, and others to balance out the gross-out antics of Poehler's woman-child.

Despite these questions, Baby Mama is the only way to get a Tina Fey fix outside of reruns so I predict it'll do reasonably well in the box office. Personally, I'm not sold enough on the film to risk the social stigma of actually watching Baby Mama in the theaters with a pair of fully functional testicles.

What do you guys think of Baby Mama?

For more movie goodness check out the Large Association of Movie Blogs!

Vote Today! -- At The LAMB

2008-03-26T20:42:00.003-10:00

The U.S. presidential elections aren't for a while, but that doesn't mean you can't get your vote on now.

I know I already used this picture but I still like looking at it

Over at The LAMB (Large Association of Movie Blogs), Suzanne Stone (To Die For) is fighting for her life against Zoe (Serenity). Help her kick some Firefly butt and give her your vote to send Suzanne into the second round to wreak her seductive brand of chaos.

The Spoon Prognosis: Healthy, Constipated

2008-03-25T23:05:00.003-10:00

I'd like to calm any nervous readers out there: The Spoon is not on hiatus. However, The Spoon's chief operating station (ie: my computer) suffered through a medley of hiccups and coughs that took a couple of weeks to clear up. Everything has been successfully resolved and you can expect much more stuff to grace these virtual pages as I push out some creative backlog.

A podcast is in the works... but I probably shouldn't even be talking about it

One item to expect is an upcoming movie review which I've already begun podcasting about with my secret team. It's still early in development and I probably shouldn't even be talking about it, but I'm excited about the opportunity to branch out and touch you with my voice as well as my words.

Stay tuned.

Attack of the Femmes Fatales

2008-03-10T13:33:00.005-10:00

Nick over at the LAMB page came up with a very interesting idea to pit cinematic femme fatales against each other in a single-elimination narrative battle style tournament. Each participant chooses a femme fatale from any movie and must explain why his/her siren would defeat the other. Obviously it's called "The Sirens of the LAMBS."

I'm participating, of course, so check back for an update when my femme fatale, Suzanne Stone Maretto from To Die For, takes on Zoe from Serenity. The rest of the competition is stiff as well and includes the likes of The Bride, Nikita, and Bonnie Parker among others.

The action will be hot, heavy, and most likely lethal. Check it out.

The Spoon... Podcast?

2008-03-05T01:14:00.004-10:00

In my return to the basics ("Movies. Stuff. More Stuff.") I'm contemplating taking The Spoon onto ~~some radiation waves~~ ~~some radio waves~~ a podcast near you!

As part of that movement, I'll also be reintroducing non-Lost content back onto the site. I fully intend to complete my analysis of every major Lost character but I'll be interspersing it with other stuff. "What other stuff?" you may be asking yourself.

That's an excellent question.

My current vision for the site is to move towards shorter, more frequent posts about recent movies, classic movies, and, of course, Lost. I'll consider discussing other televisions shows but only if they feature time-warping islands and smoke monsters. The Spoon will continue to be gossip free and tuna safe.

I realize my vision is pretty hazy and that's partially intentional; I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do. The how of it is also something I'd like to bring up.

You may notice a new widget to the right of this post. I set up a small donation fund for The Spoon as a way of paying for tickets and other stuff (microphones, adapters, etc.) that will allow me to keep doing what I love: discussing movies and making a fool of myself.

Leave a comment if you have any ides or suggestions for the site and my possible podcast. Or you can email me at my brand new address inthespoon@gmail.com.

Lost Character Analysis Part 4

2008-02-14T09:34:00.003-10:00

My mega Lost character analysis series continues today with Desmond Hume, but before I begin I’d like to make a few observations about Season 4’s Confirmed Dead episode. Expect spoilers so run over to ABC.com to watch the most recent episodes if you don’t want me to ruin your fun.

The second episode of the fourth season, Confirmed Dead, focused heavily on the introduction of four new characters and we’ve already been given brief glimpses of their recent pasts. If these characters were simply more castaways then I would question their addition but these four provide an entirely new slant on the same mysteries (Dharma Initiative, Ben Linus, polar bears) that we’ve already been pondering. And who’s that black dude working for Oceanic? I wouldn’t want to run into him in a dark alley but I’d sure like to ask him some questions. Obviously Oceanic knows more about the situation then they’re letting on.

According to Wikipedia the next several episodes will return focusing on our original Losties so Confirmed Dead brought us up to speed on the new guys and now we can take off running. My main complaint with the episode was that not a lot happened, but that’s an understandable obstacle when four new bodies have to be introduced and fleshed out.

"Do you have a wee bit o' toilet paper, brother? I got a 'fighter.'"

Desmond Hume – Speaking of Season Four, what the hell happened to Desmond? As far as I can tell he isn’t with Sayid and Jack’s bunch (though Wikipedia says that he is) and I don’t remember seeing him with Locke’s posse either. He’s something of a wildcard and that’s really been the case since the beginning.

Desmond was introduced in the topsy-turvy first episodes of season two as the man who continuously saved the world by entering the same sequence of numbers every 108 minutes. When his world-saving device was shot up he bolted and didn’t reappear until his sailboat returned as if he were sailing in a “snowglobe.”

If all that weren’t enough, Desmond appears to be clairvoyant since initiating the hatch’s fail safe mechanism. He helped Charlie avoid his death a number of times before helping him sacrifice himself to bring what they believed was a rescue attempt.

Desmond has received much less air-time than the other main Losties (Jack, Kate, Sawyer, etc.) but he’s proven to be no less important to their continued chances for survival. His history with his long-suffering girlfriend Penelope, who apparently will stop at nothing at finding him, as well as his connection with a number of other island folk (Libby) makes him feel like something of a plot device. A potential ace in the hole to bail writers out of jams and keep plots moving.

I do believe the writers have a far-reaching goal for Lost, but it doesn’t hurt having a guy who can “know” things he shouldn’t when you’re trying to handle as many loose threads as Lost tosses around.

I have absolutely no evidence to back me up on this, but Desmond is the type of character I would predict is inside that coffin in Jack’s flash forward. Desmond is somewhat removed from everyone and because of his clairvoyance he is always in a position to take incredible momentous actions and divide everyone’s feelings towards him. Of course, a ton of other people fit this role as well but Desmond isn’t the first person you’d think of which makes him the first person I do think of.

Biggest Questions: Where is he? What else does he know that he isn’t telling anybody? Will he ever reunite with Penelope? Will he be in the coffin and make me sound like a genius? Please?

My (noncomprehensive) Bucket List

2008-02-12T06:27:00.000-10:00

I don’t usually write memes, much less memes about my own death, but I’ll make an exception at my blogging buddy Sarah’s request. This time.

I’m supposed to come up with a list of activities I’d like to do before I “kick the bucket” aka die a grisly death. I assume that’s what it means because I never actually saw The Bucket List. I’m planning to watch The Exorcist and Rosemary’s Baby first to get in the mood.

Me being me, I decided to change the rules. Instead of just writing about any old thing to do before croaking, I’m going to compose my list entirely of activities ripped out of movies. This is a movie-based blog after all and I should also note that I’m ignoring the laws of physics, good taste, and proper etiquette.

On to my (noncomprehensive) Bucket List:

Sweet Ride

- Ride a hover board (Back to the Future Part 2)
Michael J. Fox stole a pink board from a little girl in the future and ever since I saw that I too have wanted to steal a pink hover board from a little girl in the future.

- Eat colorful gruel (Hook)
Food that colorful has to taste good. But does it give a growing boy all the minerals and vitamins he needs? Will it prevent any scurvy relapses?

"Nice to meet you Elsa, but I have a man-date with Matt"

- Visit Venice with Indiana Jones (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
I’m not proposing to take Dr. Elda Schneider’s place but I wouldn’t mind going on a pleasant man-date with Indy. I also wouldn’t be opposed to a gondola ride afterwards.

- Drape myself in velvet for one day (Seinfield)
I don’t particularly care for velvet but there must be a good reason why George Costanza wanted to wear it all day every day.

- Knock up Katherine Heigl and force her to marry me (Knocked Up)
Getting Katherine Hiegle to marry me does seem a bit far-fetched but it’s all part of my plan. If Katherine doesn’t work out then I would also accept Salma Hayek (Fools Rush In).

Consider yourself tagged if you want to write a movie-based Bucket List. But keep your mitts of Katherine and Salma – they’re both mine.

The LAMB Devours the Oscars

2008-02-07T07:48:00.000-10:00

Check out some excellent previews of the upcoming Academy Awards over at the Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB). Each awards category (every stinkin' one!) has been covered by a LAMB member and the latest entry was written by yours truly.

I promise you won't not not be not loving it!

*Image used without permission from Large Ass. of Movie Blogs. I dare them to punish me.

Lost Character Analysis Part 3

2008-02-05T10:49:00.000-10:00

My Lost character breakdown continues with Sawyer. The fourth season has already begun so let’s get this baby crackin’. (Also check out Parts 1, and Parts 2)

With the exception of these lenses, Sawyer gets my vote for
"best dressed on a deserted island"

James “Sawyer” Ford – Sawyer emerged early in the first season as the most naturally multi-faceted character on the island (with the possible exception of Locke), and a surprisingly likeable guy. For while Kate and Jack struggled with the consequences of crimes of passion and a lifetime of overbearing parenting, Sawyer’s hurts were at once more painful and more complex and how can you not root for the kid whose parents murdered/suicide-d each other?

Sawyer’s first major episode, Confidence Man, ranks among my favorites in the entire series. From the very first episodes the writers spent a considerable amount of time building up the mysterious back-stories of characters like Kate, Jack, and Locke. Sawyer seemed like a central character but he also seemed far more one-dimensional compared to his fellow Losties; he was obviously a con-man through and through. So when Confidence Man revealed exactly how Sawyer found himself on that road the effect was both unexpected and powerful. Josh Holloway also deserves major props for making Sawyer a bonafide a-hole and cocky bastard and still effectively communicate a(n) (occasionally) tender heart hidden underneath the slick exterior. I suppose he’s also kind of hunky if you’re into grizzled sneers and a well-defined rectus abdominis.

Season 2 and 3 kept Sawyer playing mostly to his character strengths as the bad boy dealing in quips and behind-the-scenes manipulation. His fighting exhibition while captive by the Others was a nice reminder that he had some bite behind his bark. I don’t think he belongs with Kate (they’re both too self-absorbed), but they’re chemistry as prisoners in captivity was undeniable.

Since returning to the camp Sawyer has acted a bit too much like a cat that’s been de-clawed. He gets manipulated by Hurley into acting nice and he spends his days playing ping-pong. I like seeing his softer side, but with the exception of his murder of Locke’s father – the man who conned his parents into death – Sawyer has effectively receded into the background.

In the first episode of Season 4 we saw Sawyer join up with Locke. We also heard Hurley say that following Locke was a mistake. It’s pretty difficult to figure out the specifics of that statement at this point, but since Hurley made it off the island with Jack and Kate then conceivably Sawyer could also be part of the “Oceanic Six.”

Biggest Questions: Did Sawyer make it off the island? Will he keep “surviving?” Did he knock up Kate? Will he end up with her? Will we ever get to see a flashback to a time when Sawyer paid for sex?
[To be continued]

Remembering Heath Ledger

2008-01-22T23:28:00.000-10:00

Heath in happier times

I was going to write a post entitled 10 Things to Remember about Heath Ledger before I realized I didn't know 10 things about Heath Ledger to begin with. And that realization partly explains why his death is so tragic; Heath was one of the guys you didn't see in the tabloids or hear about in nasty rumors. He had a private life that seemed devoid of the indulgences and scandals so common with other young stars and starlets. Heath seemed like one of the "good guys."

I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain (though I plan to) but I know Mr. Ledger took his job seriously. I know he took roles like Casanova to keep his fans happy while he yearned to explore more complex characters. In the New York Times article describing his death, one of his quotes summed up his acting ambitions: there are many stories inside of me and a lot I want to achieve outside of one flat note.

The Dark Knight is due out this summer and by that time more information about the conditions surrounding Heath Ledger's death will be available. No matter what details may arise, nothing will prevent this from being a sad and tragic event.

Lost Character Analysis Part 2

2008-01-19T03:16:00.000-10:00

I'm working my way through all the major Lost characters from A-Z (by last name). Check out Part 1 here. Now enjoy Part 2:

I wonder if I'd look that good after 48 days without a shower

Ana Lucia Cortez - In retrospect it's a little ironic that Michelle Rodriguez got to play a disgraced ex-cop, but she's made a career out of tough chick roles and the character of Ana Lucia was no big departure from her previous work.

Ana Lucia was at her best as the militant, tortured (slash torturer -- zing!) leader of the "tailies" in "The Other 48 Days." I'd even go so far as to say that that was one of my all-time favorite episodes because it captured much of the same horror and fear of the unknown that we saw in the original series pilot. In fact, "The Other 48 Days" may have been better than the pilot in some ways since it was like watching all of Season 1 condensed into a single episode and then mashed together with the violence of a survival horror flick. Ana Lucia was a great leader for the "tailies" because she seemed to have a bead on what was going on, but in reality she was as vulnerable as her less aggressive survivors and their dark fate was a nice contrast to the relatively easy-going existence of the "middlies."

I'm going to pause a moment here because I think the Season 1 version of the Others deserves special mention. Remember how they were barefooted boogeymen with super strength and a disturbing, but nameless, purpose? Back then the Others were almost like a physical manifestation of the island's strangeness -- made even more threatening than the smoke monster because the Others pretended to be like you.

It's pointless to imagine Lost going in another direction than the arrogant, talkative bunch they later morphed into but I still get shivers remembering the way Ethan looked at Claire with his dead, cold eyes before absconding with her and Charlie and then leaving him to test a tree branch's tensile strength with his neck.

Pause over.

Once Ana Lucia made it to the "middlie's" camp her character was pretty much dead in the water. Other than killing off dead wood like Shannon, she floated by on the periphery without making much of a splash except for that time she raped Sawyer. Good times.

Ana Lucia's backstory was never completed before her death at Michael's hands, but I don't see her contributing in any significant way in the rest of the series. R.I.P. muchacha.

Biggest Questions: Did she get caught for shooting that dude in cold blood? Does it even matter if she did? Do you miss the old version of the Others as much as I do?

Yeah, Michael Dawson rocks the man-bag.
And if you laugh at him he'll straight up sell you to the Others

Michael Dawson - I'll admit that I grew tired of Michael's oft repeated line: I want [gasp] [gasp] my son [sad eyes] back! [spittle leaks from mouth] so I was perfectly fine with his departure in Season 2.

Back in Season 1 I was never entirely satisfied with the Michael-Walt domineering parent dynamic, but at least their relationship progressed some (I'm looking at you Kate and Jack). And when we saw more of Michael's back story in which his wife forced him to give up custody of Walt, I actually developed a soft spot for Michael. Let's just say that my family's ties are pretty darn strong so watching Michael's wife ask him to give up his son and then suggest his reluctance was borne out of selfishness made my ears practically smoke. The nerve of that woman!

I also liked the emotional impact Michael suffered through in Season 1's cliffhanger when Walt was taken by the Others. Like I said before, this was back when the Others were mysterious and threatening and "Mr. Friendly's" laugh was pretty damn spooky.

Unfortunately, by Season 2 Michael was like a robot that could only scream and moan about his son and all the respect and empathy I had built up for him over the first season got blown out like the "smoke monster" erupting from my hienie. Then he finally went psycho and killed off Ana Lucia, who didn't serve much of a purpose at that point, and Libby, who was just becoming interesting, and then he ran off again with Walt. Good riddance, I thought at the time.

But by now you've probably heard how Michael will return as a full cast member in Season 4. One big question now is whether Michael will play his part in the "present" or the "flash future" or both. Of course, there's also the possibility that Michael was the body in the coffin which would also account for Kate's dismissal of him, though like I said before there are simply too many variables to settle on just one dead body definitively.

My guess is that Michael will return to the island in the "present" because the flash forwards, and even the flash backs (I've read they'll both be in Season 4), won't offer enough air-time to warrant full time cast membership. In storyline terms, Michael will probably be messed up emotionally and I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that Walt died or that they're somehow separated again because if Michael and Walt are together, then Michael would have nothing to do with the other "losties." Something is going to have to drive him back into the lives of Jack and Kate and that something has to be big to reunite a guy with the people he sold out and left for dead.

Biggest Questions: What has Michael been doing since he left the island? What will he do when he comes back, wherever, and whenever, that might be? Will he ever shut up about Walt?

Don't worry ladies, I'll post a pic of Paulo in a thong or something

Nikki Fernandez - Nikki is my personal, hands-down winner for hottest Lost castaway. Sure she was a greedy, manipulative she-dog of a woman, but what a great looking she-dog she was.

I watched Season 3 in maybe three or four days, so I didn't have an issue with her and Paulo's sudden appearance on the island though I can understand the regular audience's anger. Everyone must have felt they were wasting time on these newcomers while more important mysteries remained unsolved and more important relationships remained unconsummated (that's you again, Kate and Jack).

I did enjoy Nikki and Paolo's death episode if for no other reason than we got a short breather from the heaviness of the other island mysteries. Seeing Nikki in a sequined bikini didn't hurt either. I thought her death was very Edgar Allen Poe-ish and it felt almost satisfying to see the "Losties" killing somebody else for a change, even if it was one of their own.

Biggest Questions: Will anybody else on Lost wear a bikini as well as Nikki did?

[More to come]

Lost Character Analysis Part 1

2008-01-17T07:19:00.000-10:00

If you’ve stopped by The Spoon anytime in the last couple of weeks you know I’ve been watching Lost nonstop like Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange. Except I’m not being re-conditioned for anything – at least, I don’t think I am. Lost has made me doubt a lot of things about myself. For example, sometimes when I fart I’m not sure if it’s actually me or if it’s the “smoke monster” trailing behind my buttocks. And I can’t remember if I was the person who set my alarm clock to go off every 108 minutes and play “Make Your Own Kind of Music.” Yeah, I’m kind of messed up.

In any case, I’ll be breaking down each of Lost’s major characters according to my thoughts, theories, and occasional whims. Lost has a huge cast so I’ll divide this discussion into a few parts and post a new section every few days. Just to mess with you all (not unlike Lost), I’m going to write up the characters in alphabetical order and leave Jack Shephard for last.

[Editor’s note: this breakdown is getting larger than my last outbreak of hemorrhoids. Expect multiple posts]

[Cue opening Lost music]

Unfortunately, Evangeline Lilly wasn't wearing this outfit when I met her

Kate Austen – I actually “met” Evangeline Lilly several months ago when she picked up an order at the bookstore I was working at. Of course I wasn’t watching Lost back then so I didn’t recognize her as anything more than a short, cute brunette with huge sunglasses. However, my co-workers knew her and so while they chatted I just stood nearby and smiled and vaguely nodded whenever she said something. But enough of my eye-banging Lost cast members.

In the first season Kate was one of the strongest, take-charge characters and provided a nice balance to the otherwise testosterone-laden Lost cast. I’m no Susan B. Anthony, but I’m very disappointed Kate’s character has slowly morphed over the course of seasons 2 & 3 into a generally helpless piece of eye candy.

None of this should be pegged on Evangeline since she has continued to put in excellent performances by mastering the quivering lip and pained expressions so integral to a (emotionally) tortured girl on the run. I realize that sounds really sarcastic, but I assure you it’s not. However, I do question the writers’ decision to take the most established and “resourceful” female lead and make her 1) Get caught and beaten down so often and 2) resort to clichéd angry sex to fill the emotional void in her life. But I guess hot girls like Kate have needs even if the sensitive doctors they pine for are too blind to satisfy them. Can you guess who I want her to end up with?

I knew about Season 3’s flash-forward even before watching the final episode so some of the drama was lost (heh, heh) on me. I still really like this direction and it adds a totally new wrinkle to the show that should make for some interesting story developments.

The flash-forward shows that Kate makes it off the island, but since we don’t know exactly when the flash-forward takes place there’s still a ton of room to theorize. I’ll discuss this more with other characters, but any thoughts on who “he” is that Kate says she has to get back to? The automatic answer might be Sawyer but their current relationship doesn’t really account for the fear (?) or apprehension in her voice when she says this to Jack. Still, because the time frame for the segment is so unclear, virtually any number of events could take place to make any number of characters fit into that reference. In conclusion, I don’t have an effing clue.

Biggest Questions: Who is the “he” Kate is shacked up with in the flash-forward? Does she ever find true love? Is she preggers? (I don’t think so.)

For a chuckle, check out Evangeline peddle a singles hotline in her pre-deserted island days.

Evangeline Lilly Dating Commercial

Hold me back before I kick her face in

Juliet Burke – God I hate her stupid smirk. It looked sexy on Gillian Anderson but I want to send a running knee into her face every time I see Juliet’s lips curve into that damn annoying Ellen Pompeo smile.

Her smirk aside, I actually think Juliet is one of the more intriguing major characters in Season 3. She’s the perfect “wild card” since her back story shows a very powerful drive to get back to her supposedly alive sister (which I believe) and yet we still don’t have the entire reason why she’s still on the island, which makes her complicity with Ben Linus somewhat more believable. I just wish she would stop switching sides – and wipe that stupid look off her face.

Biggest Questions: What did Ben Linus do to make her so “loyal” before she “betrayed” him? Has she truly betrayed Ben Linus? And how the hell did she turn from a meek researcher into a kung-fu warrior?

"We make incest now?"

Boone Carlyle – I have to agree with the decision to kill off Boone. Sure, he looked good naked (I assume) and he had that weird incestuous thing going on with Shannon, but he didn’t bring much else to the table. Even though I agreed with the concept of his death, I didn’t like the way it was carried out since it felt almost arbitrary.

I’ve read theories that say Boone’s death caused Locke to bang on the hatch and therefore save Desmond’s life which ultimately led to the “Losties” entering the hatch, entering the numbers, and then blowing up the hatch, and thereby saving the world. True. But Locke could have also tripped and fallen on the hatch while pooping in the jungle and the effect would have been the same so once again, I say that Boone’s death was poorly executed, pun intended.

Even Boone’s backstory, which naturally was intertwined with Shannon’s, felt separate and insulated from the rest of the “Losties.” I hope something incredibly relevant about Boone and the island shows up in another flashback/forward or else his character was merely one big plot device that wasted a bunch of air time that could have been used showing Kate skinny dipping in that pool filled with dead bodies.

Biggest Questions: Was Boone a complete waste of time?

[More to come]

Bring it on Lost

2008-01-14T13:10:00.000-10:00

I finished watching the first three seasons of Lost as of last night. Wow. Wow. Wow.

I've been busily reading up on fan theories to see what other people predict for Season 4 and I plan to write up a lot of my own thoughts on what's happened so far and what I expect to see in the future. But first I have a couple more applications to finish.

Don't you hate it when planning for your future gets in the way of the really important stuff like theorizing about a television show?

Do Kate and Jack return to the Island? Who cares?!? I want to know about the four-toed broken statue

Getting lost in Lost

2008-01-05T21:08:00.000-10:00

Possible alternate title: Confused

Let's see, my application for Columbia is due in less than 48 hours which gives me almost enough time to watch the rest of Lost if I don't sleep, eat, or forgo my urine bucket.

Rest assured I'll eventually finish my application (two down already, three more to go), but I'm still blasting through Lost episodes faster than Britney Spears' child custody lawyer can say "I quit."

I just finished the 11th episode of Lost and here are a few of my observations on the series so far. Feel free to agree, disagree, or call me stupid -- just don't spoil anything for me. It should go without saying that I'll be spoiling things for anybody who hasn't watched the show.

Observations

-According to IMDB, Matthew Fox was born in Pennsylvania but doesn't his accent sound Canadian at times? This is one of my biggest peeves of the show because nobody can be a leader sounding like a Canuck, much less organize and rally the survivors of an airplane crash on a remote tropical paradise while talking like a Bob and Doug McKenzie skit (that's right, I went there).

-My favorite characters in no particular order: Hurley, because he pulls off the stereotypical funny large man very well. Locke, because he has the kind of cool vertical eye-scar that plastic surgery just can't provide. Sawyer, for his backstory that was by far the most interesting, partly because I didn't know anything about it and partly because he has a bonafide personality that is complex without relying on Matthew Fox's constant wild-eyed craziness to emote "passion."

-In the last episode, All the Best Cowboys have Daddy Issues, Jack and co. failed to rescue Claire but managed to save Charlie's life after he was hung from a tree. Call me crazy, but why would anyone try to stop a doctor from saving somebody's life? I realize it's improbable to resuscitate somebody after they've been hung for who knows how long, but what do you have to lose by trying? Absolutely friggin' nothing. *Cry* *Cry* "Stop trying to save Charlie's life Jack. It's making me too sad. *Cry* *Cry* -- In the words of a large black woman, "Woman, please."

-Watching Jin act like a doting suitor to Sun in their flashback episode was difficult. That dude just looks mean.

-Who's the most attractive Lost castaway? First of all, this could be a post in and of itself, and maybe I'll do that once I see the cast size increase (I know about the "Others"). The obvious choice would be Shannon since she's blonde and hot, but I'd have to throw Claire and Sun up there too for their Australian charm and appealing submissiveness (just kidding, kind of), respectively. I'll leave the male castaway comparisons to any female (or curious male) readers out there.

Is Claire the hottest Lost castaway? Excuse me while I consult with my crotch

-Favorite Episode? It's hard not to cheat and just pick the two part Pilot, but I'm going with Claire's flashback episode, Raised by Another. I didn't necessarily like her dream terrors, but the deal with the psychic was otherworldly in a manner that meshed with the creeping supernaturalism at Lost's core. But the real reason I liked that episode was for the final few minutes when Hurley announces that Ethan wasn't on the flight manifest. That was one damn good bombshell.

Somebody made a figurine of Shannon. Apparently I'm not the only one with messed up priorities

Okay, I'm off to watch another episode before hitting the sack and getting back on that Columbia application. Did you know Matthew Fox graduated from Columbia University? I'm no psychic but that seems like a pretty good omen.

Catch you all later.

Lost Appeal

2008-01-03T21:55:00.000-10:00

I still don't have cable and my next movie review (Persepolis) is still percolating in my brain, but ABC has finally given me something to write about by putting all 3 seasons of Lost on their network website.

I know as much about the series as anyone can without watching more than twenty minutes or doing a single Google search and even with my cobbled-together expectations I was still impressed with the pilot episode (part 1 at least -- I haven't seen part 2 yet).

I can see why Lost was such a phenomenon; this is a show that takes a unique premise and owns it. Primal themes like death, survival, and compassion are eloquently put into a visual language that is startlingly original. I know Lost has been written about and theorized to death so I won't go into that, but this show doesn't resemble anything I've ever seen. You can't say that about very many programs these days.

A couple of scenes stood out for me and neatly exemplify what I find so appealing about the show. The first was when Kate slips a dead passenger's shoes off to wear into the island's jungle. She does so almost reverently and, as a viewer, the experience goes from "Cool, they're stuck on an island" to "Holy sh*t, she's stealing shoes from a dead guy to survive." I love those small human touches that add a huge measure of authenticity. That particular scene gets even better when Kate glances at Locke's grim face and he smiles around an orange peel in an attempt to cheer her up. Except Kate isn't a little girl that such a gesture would work on, and both lapse into dark moods that are even more somber than before as a result of Locke's clumsy gesture. Just one more example of superb storytelling.

The jury is still out on Matthew Fox in the lead role of Jack. His absolute lack of charisma could be calculated since he seems like the "everyman" type of guy that viewers are supposed to relate to. Or he's just not that interesting a guy. On the one hand, I loved his character's introduction and how long it took him to snap out of his airplane-crash fugue before helping the other survivors. During his initial hazy march you had to wonder if he was just going to ignore his fellow survivors and take care of himself first. You could literally watch his character and personality take shape right before your eyes in the most immediate and definitive manner. I just hope he becomes a more complicated character down the road.

I generally prefer watching serial shows like Lost on dvd but ABC.com's arrangement is nearly as convenient. It's only the first (half of the first) episode, but consider me hooked.

Two weeks already?

2007-12-12T11:47:00.001-10:00

Time sure flies when you've got tests to take, essays to write, two jobs to do, visiting parents to entertain, and a sickness to suffer from. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Oh wait, yes I am. I AM complaining.

One good thing did come from being sick in bed for two straight days. I saw the un-aired pilot for the television series Wonderfalls which I stumbled upon because it featured Lee Pace of Pushing Daisies fame. Mr. Pace has a much smaller role in Wonderfalls and unfortunately I've only been able to locate the un-aired pilot on youtube which actually features a different actor in his role. Oh well.

Wonderfalls takes place near Niagara Falls -- go figure. A young girl (I'm too tired to look up her name) works in a souvenir shop and suffers from what she describes as a case of being "overeducated and unemployable." In other words, she's a a smart-alecky, tarty mouth and completely apathetic about her direction-less life. I'm sure many of us can relate. However, unlike most of us (I think), this girl starts to hear voices from different items throughout her store which tell her to do things. It's quirky and untraditional and I can see how networks were afraid to keep it on the air for much longer than it's original four episodes (twelve were filmed in total and they're all available on dvd).

If you want some quirkiness, check out the pilot. I'll post it here for your convenience.

More Television!

2007-12-01T07:44:00.000-10:00

Sorry for the paucity of updates, but for the past week or so I've been caught between a rock and the GREs. I'm taking the test Monday (so wish me luck) and after that I've got five other applications to finish up by the end of the month. Not to mention my ongoing internship and my new job I started two weeks ago. Whew.

And even with all that, I've ~~procrastinated by~~ managed to get some quality television time on my computer.

Here are a few updates:

NBC.com shows

Heroes - You may have heard that Heroes creator Tim Kring apologized for the poor storylines and unremarkable romances on the show's second season. But even with the recycled plots and meandering relationships, I still find the series makes me wonder what will happen next. (Especially the most recent episode.) For another perspective on the show, check out the staff commentary where different cast members (actors, writers, directors, etc.) take turns commenting on the most recent episodes while they play on a different screen. I personally liked the commentary from HRG (Claire's dad).

The Office - The Office's cancellation is the biggest reason why I want the writer's strike to end. Must have new episodes. Pleeaaaase.

30 Rock - Tina Fey and co. have really hit their stride, just when everything is getting shut down. The show has really moved away from the whole "behind the scenes" perspective of a comedy production and is now focusing on the quirky characters that have already been established, namely Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin's brilliant characters. Tracy Morgan has slowly grown on me and Jane (whatever her last name is) has become possibly the most hilarious supporting actress on television. Please don't go 30 Rock! Also, check out Tina Fey's videos where she reads viewer's comments. They're hilarious.

Chuck - I really want to like this show. I like the actors, I like the concept, and I like the style. But for some reason, it all hasn't come together for me. The show continues to focus on the Chuck-Sarah relationship and I can understand the direction but the execution feels so tired and played out. It's like watching Lois and Clark all over again. Plus, I wish Chuck would be a little more manly sometimes.

ABC.com shows

Pushing Daisies - From the first episode I feared that Pushing Daisies would become either too gushy or lose it's "magical" aura. Thankfully, it's pulled off the near impossible and done neither. I credit the strong and diverse cast of characters for the show's balance and consistency. And did you see the bombshell at the end of the last episode? I can't wait to see what Chuck does. This is probably my favorite show on internets-television right now.

Samantho Who? - I've always been a fan of Christina Applegate so I took a gander at her newest show. It could've been called The Christina Applegate show: With Amnesia. I only saw a couple of shows and it's neither fantastic nor awful. Christina's better than this, but it's still halfway decent.

Happy Thanksgiving from The Spoon!

2007-11-22T08:36:00.001-10:00

Everyone at The Spoon would like to wish you all a safe, happy, and wonderful Thanksgiving! Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving you can still take a moment to acknowledge all the super swell things in your life like the relief you feel after a massive potty deposit or the satisfaction of telling people the truth about the U.S. moon landing and the Holocaust.

Have a Happy Turkey Day!

The moon landing photo "The Man" wants you to see

The true sequence of events is too horrible to truly understand. Conspiracy theorists are still trying to explain what symbolic meaning Joan Rivers' decapitated head holds for the Klingons

My Mom's Review of Beowulf

2007-11-17T19:34:00.000-10:00

My mom says, "Animated like Shrek but weirder. Like a strange fairy tale."

Like Shrek but not

No TV? No problem!

2007-11-16T20:25:00.000-10:00

The internets is now accessible in my apartment! I still don't have cable and I learned the hard way that Time Warner won't give you a cable box until you actually have a television (who knew?) but man oh man is it nice to scroll through sports news, humor sites, [your site name here], and television shows.

Yup, even television shows!

I've missed this face

My brother showed me how to access some of my favorite shows directly from my computah. Several sites offer download-able versions of television shows and movies but in the interest of not going to jail I won't link to anything here.

Another good viewing option is to go directly to the source and check out NBC.com. Entire episodes of my favorite shows, like 30 Rock and The Office, are available with only a few commercials mixed in. I've even had a chance to catch up on Chuck, which has recaptured my attention after a couple slower episodes. I know relationship dramas are done to death, but what will happen with Chuck and Summer (err, Lou)?

Now I see why all those writers are pissed. I'd want a cut of this whole television-internets thing too.

The Large Association of Movie Blogs (LAMB)

2007-11-09T08:36:00.000-10:00

The internets is a frighteningly large place so it's reassuring to find a map to all the movie-related goodness you want to visit. The Large Association of Movie Blogs, or NAMBLA (just kidding, it's actually LAMB), provides info and links to movie blogs much like The Spoon and Blog Cabins (whose creator, Fletch, also made LAMB). I've already checked out a few member sites, like Counting Down the Hours and Shea of the Dead, and can vouch for their quality reviews and accurate depictions of Bigfoot.

Confuse NAMBLA and LAMB at your own peril

If you have your own movie blog, I encourage you to to stop by LAMB and sign up. Finally, a way to join the cool kids without having to do drugs or kill a homeless man.

Super Mario Bros. + Electricity = Awesome

2007-11-07T21:00:00.000-10:00

Don't ask me how they do it (Tesla coils are involved if you really want to know), but these two guys perform the Super Mario Bros. theme song off their homemade coiled contraption. Something tells me the encore will involve an unsuspecting friend and burnt testicles.

Old Movies are New to Me

2007-11-06T21:10:00.000-10:00

Thanks to the mystical powers of computahs and the internets I’ve been able to stave off complete movie deprivation by viewing compressed video files over the past few weeks. If the government asks, they’re all backups to my $30,000 movie collection.

Smokin’ Aces
Big name performers collide in this stylish action movie that never quite achieves the kinetic frenzy it so desperately strives for. Jeremy Piven struts and hollers in his usual arrogant jerk persona but without any true humility it’s hard to sympathize with his character. Everyone from Ben Affleck, to Ryan Reynolds, to Alicia Keyes, to Andy Garcia wants Piven dead or locked up in jail. The plot is laughable but still kind of cool.

My Rating: 5/10

Chinatown
Back in 1974, Jack Nicholson was slim, handsome, and perfectly cast as a 1930s hard-nosed private eye caught up in an L.A. water supply conspiracy. Part crime procedural and part drama, this is one of those movies constantly referred to as film noir done right. Chinatown isn’t fast paced but Roman Polanski’s infamous directorial methods have produced a beautiful, dark gem of a movie.

My Rating: 9/10

Big Trouble in Little China
Compared to Chinatown, Big Trouble is on the opposite end of the genre spectrum. Pure 80s cheese reigns supreme in this campy, campy, action/comedy film. The acting seems almost purposefully bad, but that adds to the charm of the zany adventures of a truck driver’s (Kurt Russell) attempts to save young women from the black-magic wielding ghost that rules San Francisco’s Chinatown.

My Rating: 5/10

Black Hawk Down
Military anarchy and heroism take center stage amidst the U.S.’s contested involvement in Somalia in 1993. A planned military mission goes horribly awry and leaves over a hundred American soldiers in heated firefights. Young children should not watch Black Hawk Down but I heartily recommend this movie for adults. The violence can be extreme but however you interpret Ridley Scott’s message, his film is not one you will soon forget.

My Rating: 8/10

Munich
Controversial for its portrayal of the vicious feud between Israelis and Palestinians following the murder of eleven Israeli athletes at the hands of a Palestinian terrorist group during the 1972 Olympic Games. Munich delves beyond the Mossad’s spy games to show an agent’s (Eric Bana) – and by extension a nation’s – loss of innocence. The pacing may have been slightly off on this film, as it occasionally meanders, but on the whole it has the excellent composition and verve you expect from a Steven Spielberg production.

My Rating: 8/10

Box Office Preview

2007-10-31T14:25:00.000-10:00

Since I’m stuck in the library instead of the movie theater, I once again resort to stealing Blog
Cabin's box office preview schtick. I blame the $50 New York ticket prices and my inability to grasp simple algebra.

1. Saw IV
I will not watch Saw IV because I never watch horror movies in the theater if I can help it. When I was a young whippersnapper I saw The Exorcist on television and I actually laughed at Linda Blair’s spinning head as my mommy fed me sandwiches and candy. Later in college I saw The Exorcist in a large, near empty theater on Halloween and I didn’t sleep right for a week. Even the Blair Witch Project screwed me up, but my excuse is that my friends convinced me everything about that movie was real. I know Saw IV isn’t real but I also like to sleep so no way in hell am I going to see this one.

Judging by her orthodontia, Linda Blaire's inner demon is British

2. Dan in Real Life
Steve Carell has branded himself as a goofy, loveable loser but with Dan in Real Life it looks like he’s approaching a saccharine saturation point that his career might never recover from. I’m a devoted fan of The Office and I wish Steve would make full use of his comedic talents and leave the romantic comedies to Hugh Grant.

3. 30 Days of Night
I’ve wanted to see this movie for a while, and I still might if I ever find a dollar theater in New York. I certainly don’t expect anything very deep from 30 Days although Josh Hartnett is an adequately charismatic lead actor. Somehow the guy’s only 28 yet it feels like he’s been a young hunk type of actor for at least ten years. (Oh wait, I’m right. Hartnett was in The Faculty back in ’98.)

The Rock and SWS are magic together. Dirty, sweaty magic.

4. The Game Plan
I’m not mad at The Rock for selling out with this Disney kiddie flick. I’m mad at The Rock for making this movie instead of a sequel to The Rundown. Mock me all you want but Sean William Scott and The Rock are magic together.

I'm not ashamed to say I watched Highlander. Best television theme song ever.

5. Why Did I Get Married?
I get the impression that Tyler Perry wants to be the male Oprah. He should know there can be only one… Oprah.

6. Michael Clayton
Have you ever seen George Clooney play a stupid, ineffective character? Me neither. Clayton is on my “To Watch” list.

7. Gone Baby Gone
It’s easy to forget that Ben Affleck was a talented writer (Good Will Hunting) before he became an overexposed, mediocre actor. By all accounts he’s also a talented director and his little brother Casey is equally good in Gone Baby Gone’s lead role. Add this one to my “To Watch” list.

8. The Nightmare Before Christmas
I saw Nightmare when it first came out in 1993, but it didn’t leave a strong impression on me. One viewing was enough, thank you.

9. We Own the Night
Gross earnings of 25 million are pretty awful for a film with heavy hitters like Joaquin Phoenix, Eva Mendes, Mark Wahlberg and Robert Duvall. That still isn’t going to make me watch it though. I’ll wait for the DVD.

10. The Comebacks
I’ve been dreading this movie since I saw its first preview. It’s basically taking the parody formula of Scary Movie and Not Another Teen Movie and then crapping on it. Those two films (at least the first installment in the Scary Movie franchise) put some creative spins on some tired genre clichés, but from what I’ve seen and heard, The Comebacks sinks to the lowest common denominator and fails to bring anything new to the parody genre. That being said, the movie could be awesome and the 2.3 IMDB rating is just a fluke. But I doubt it.

What are you guys looking forward to watching?

My Mom's Review of Michael Clayton

2007-10-27T22:24:00.000-10:00

My mom says, "I liked it and George Clooney did a good job."

He did a good job.

She isn't my mom for nothing, folks.

Quick Movie Review: No Way Out

2007-10-25T21:32:00.000-10:00

I'd like to see this movie remade with the cast of The Naked Gun and O.J. in Kevin Costner's role. It'd be hilaaaarious.

I took a moment out of my busy schedule of getting stood up for apartments to catch Kevin Costner in No Way Out. This little film of deceit, murder, and scandal has immediately won a place on my list of "must-watch television movies."

Kevin Costner is Lieutenant Commander Tom Farrall, a rising officer in the US Navy. He returns home after a mission to see his on-again-off-again girlfriend (Sean Young before the Catwoman debacle) and discovers that she's been "entertaining" the Secretary of Defense (played by Gene Hackman). Naturally Farrall isn't too happy with the arrangement, but since he loves his girlfriend he puts up with her infidelities.

When Sean Young turns up dead, Farrall is all but certain the Secretary is behind it. An investigation begins into Sean Young's death and it quickly balloons into an elaborate charade of misdirection and cold war boogeymen. Farrall is ordered to head the investigation but it's soon obvious that all the evidence points to him because of his secret relationship with Sean Young. The steady pace picks up during the final hour and a half and culminates in a dramatic flourish that is equally surprising and satisfying.

I've said in the past that any movie with Gene Hackman is going to be pretty good and No Way Out is in no way an exception. You could also say that nobody plays Kevin Costner better than Kevin Costner and in this movie that actually works ok. Will Patton (The Postman) is Gene Hackman's assistant and his performance is a testament to his unparalleled ability to play deranged men of authority.

Mmm, write Reviews for Money?

2007-10-24T20:51:00.001-10:00

No, I haven't forgotten about you guys. I've been a little busy with work, apartment hunting, avoiding bum smells and what have you, but now I need your advice.

Chicks dig Pulitzers. And scars.

You see, I've got a few servings of hot, steamy busy-ness on my plate already, but I recently saw an ad on craigslist for movie reviewers for a very small weekly publication. They're hiring people to review new releases and offering to reimburse movie fees as compensation. So basically the work is for free, but I would get my name on something homeless people live in so in a way I'd be contributing to New York's civil infrastructure. Also, I think I might do it just to say I'm a professional and not be talking about male prostitution.

What do you guys think?

Good News, Bad News

2007-10-21T23:41:00.000-10:00

Good News: I saw Across the Universe and The Darjeeling Limited.

Bad News: I've been too busy (ie: fun NY drama) to write about them. I will say this: surprisingly, I may have enjoyed Across the Universe more than Darjeeling Limited and I never would have guessed that.

Did you know Salma Hayek is in Across the Universe? Now you do.

My Mom's Review of Good Luck Chuck

2007-10-17T21:04:00.000-10:00

I'd like to introduce a new segment called "My Mom's Review of..." In this segment my mom will review an entire movie in ten words or less.

This isn't my mom, but she's a big fan of Salma's work

Her first review is for Good Luck Chuck.

My mom says,

It was funny and I liked it. Don't take family.

Excellent work, mom.

My New York Site has Moved

2007-10-16T11:14:00.001-10:00

Will blog for food

Just like me, my personal New York blog is an itinerant indigent.

You can now find it Here.

Box Office Roundup 10/12/07

2007-10-15T23:38:00.000-10:00

Oh how the mighty have fallen. Just last week I could see any new release I wanted but now that I'm in New York I honestly wonder if I'll ever visit a theater again. Movies just aren't ironic enough to be "cool" here in the Big Apple. Not being cool never stopped me from scratching myself in public but it might make it difficult for me to find fellow movie-goers because if there's anything I need more than peanut M&Ms at a theater it's somebody to witness my totally accurate predictions of who the killer is after only watching the first fifteen minutes.

Who knows when I'll walk these wonderful, filthy aisles again

Since I don't know the next time I'll make it out to a theater, I'm going to steal some inspiration from Fletch at The Blog Cabins and give my impressions of the current Top Ten. Keep in mind that, like everything else on The Spoon, these impressions are wildly biased and highly dependent upon my current mood (gaseous).

1) Why Did I Get Married?
Apparently Tyler Perry has carved a niche out of portraying genuine characters caught up in real life drama, all while dressed as a large black woman. Why Did I Get Married scraps the fat suit but keeps the drama. I have absolutely no interest in this film.

2) The Game Plan
If The Rock is going to make a "comedy" why can't it be more like The Rundown? The guy is charismatic, dynamic, and actually funny and yet he insists on wasting his talent on bland kiddie flicks. Isn't that Vin Diesel's job?

3) We Own the Night
I'm automatically interested in any moving starring Joaquin Phoenix and Mark Wahlburg is quickly becoming a distinguished actor. But I'd rather watch The Departed before I get to We Own the Night.

4) Michael Clayton
I foolishly read a spoiler about this movie before I could stop myself. Even knowing crucial plot points I'm going to try and see Michael Clayton anyway. George Clooney is probably the most watchable actor in movies today.

5) The Heartbreak Kid
Rental.

6) Elizabeth: The Golden Age
My knowledge of history is just good enough to spoil the plot for me. I blame my senior history teacher but I can't even remember her name. How sad is that?

7) The Kingdom
Wham, bam, thank you Islam. High energy and heavy weaponry stand out in this tense clash of cultures. It's plays more for the mood than for any kind of revelation but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Not for the squeamish.

8) Across the Universe
I've heard mixed things about Across. On the one hand, it's been called superficial, heavy handed, and obvious. On the other hand, if you don't like The Beatles than the terrorists have already won.

9) Resident Evil: Extinction
Pure popcorn fun. Read my quick review here.

10) The Seeker: The Dark is Rising
I've found the Harry Potter movies adequately entertaining. This movie looks like it wants to be Harry Potter but on a $20 budget. Seriously, the special effects look terrible and the acting looks even worse. If I want to see a magical children's tale that's cool enough for me to watch, I'll wait for The Golden Compass, thank you.

Since I can't go see the movies, I charge you all to watch them for me. Report back as soon as you can.

Fun Videos

2007-10-13T23:31:00.000-10:00

Sometimes when you're feeling a little sick and a little run down all you need is a good video about simulated masturbation at the office. Not exactly kid appropriate.

And just for kicks here's another fun recreation of Ok Go's music video for a high school talent show. This video came out a while back but it's new to me.

My New York Site is Up and Running

2007-10-12T22:36:00.000-10:00

I hereby present My New York Times.

Thanks for everyone's name suggestions but I decided to just go with whatever came out of my gut. I also decided to try something new with my New York Diary, or "man-diary" as I call it, by hosting it on Tumblr.

I'm still learning how to work with Tumblr but it looks like it won't allow comments. That might be just as well for now, though if you really want to say something you can comment here or email me because I love getting email that doesn't promise to increase the size of my wallet with get-rich-quick schemes. I bet you thought I was going to say penis there, you horny bastards.

I wish I could say that I'll keep up my daily movie related postings here at The Spoon, but I'll probably have to slow down as I deal with my other priorities. Now you're wondering what my priorities are but you'll have to wander over to My New York Times to find out.

New York City Welcomes The Spoon

2007-10-11T17:28:00.000-10:00

Twenty four hours have passed since I lurched off the airplane and simultaneously hugged and kissed the ground (my flight wasn't very bumpy; I just love the ground). In that time I've already witnessed some remarkable events and most of them have made me very happy to call New York City my new home.

Here are some highlights:

-Heard five different languages during a five minute subway ride: English, Spanish, Hebrew, Japanese, Ebonics

-Scraggly homeless man asked ME for weed (I felt so honored)

-Got sick (not that great but impossible to ignore)

-Witnessed bagpipe player serenading subway commuters

-Got pissed on by nature (no doubt one of the contributing factors to my sickness)

-Saw a large number of very attractive girls that I can begin relationships with in my mind

If anybody is worried that I've veered off from my movie focus, I can assure you (them? my head hurts, cut me some slack) that my new New York blog will be up and running soon to contain all my NY stories, opinions, etc. (once I finish some interviews tomorrow and feel better).

Any good ideas for the name of my New York blog? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Beuller? Beuller?

Mission Accomplished!

2007-10-11T08:13:00.001-10:00

The Eagle has landed. I desperately hope the Eagle is not getting a cold.

Moving Update

2007-10-08T02:33:00.000-10:00

The Spoon might be a little quiet over the next few days so I'd like to take this moment to prepare you for my temporary absence, as I finish getting my crap together for my upcoming move to New York. The reality of my move is starting to hit me, as is my growing need to pack. All of this means I'll be a little preoccupied over the next few days and likely won't have any new posts until the end of the week. Although if everything goes according to plan, I'll be relaxing in Brooklyn come Wednesday evening.

Thanks again to everyone who's offered support or anyone who's thought about offering support but is too much of a lurker to actually say anything. You guys have been instrumental in helping me get my butt in gear and onto the next phase of my career and life.

Speaking of which, my career path just became a little bit clearer in the last couple of days. I had already decided to seek out internships at magazines and online publications to better spread my opinions into the unsuspecting public but yesterday I had an epiphany: Wouldn't I be better prepared to spread my opinions if I actually got educated first? I figure the answer is yes. So I'll be applying for journalism graduate programs in addition to writing internships.

Let me tell you, I'm pretty thick in the head for not seeing this sooner. Journalism isn't just about reporting labor strikes and stock prices anymore and several programs, including NYU's Journalism department, focus on "arts, fashion, leisure, sports, entertainment, ideas, and literature..." Boy oh boy is that right up my alley. And with contacts from NYU (or another program) I'll have all the necessary tools to share my crap far and wide.

In summary, my new plan of attack is to get to New York, find a new place for myself, my brother, and our roommate, get a magazine internship, take the GREs, complete the necessary journalism graduate school applications (before the December/January deadlines), and then get into as many of them as I can. Easy as pie.

I'm also considering starting yet another blog (yes, I know you're already sick of me but I might do it anyway) about my new experiences in New York. I'm hoping the posts on this hypothetical blog won't be about my first mugging or how I got felt up by a homeless man on the subway, but only time will tell.

Take care everyone and I'll see you all on the other side.

Movie Reaction: In the Shadow of the Moon

2007-10-06T02:24:00.000-10:00

It’s been almost forty years since Neil Armstrong stepped onto the moon and into history. During that time, NASA’s achievements have become the stuff of legends, and, now, they are in danger of being forgotten. Young boys and girls still learn names like Buzz Aldrin and dates like July 21, 1969, but America’s space program has become an old man; a grandfather who is loved and revered but rarely listened to. The documentary In the Shadow of the Moon attempts to bring the stories, achievements, and, most importantly, the lessons of the Apollo space program back into the national discussion. I strongly suggest everybody listen.

Mainly told through a collection of astronaut interviews and original NASA video footage, the message of In the Shadow is simple at its heart but universal in its meaning: through total commitment and sacrifice our nation achieved the impossible and all of mankind was united for one fleeting moment in history.

Astronauts like Mike Collins, Alan Bean, and Gus Grissom sacrificed everything, and in some cases even their lives, to touch the heavens. They did this knowing full well the risks they faced and in return their success was rewarded with a near mythic status. In the Shadow pulls back the protective helmets to reveal just how human these astronauts really were and what their extraordinary achievements actually meant to them.

The astronauts’ words are sometimes humorous, sometimes sad, and almost always touching, but all of them are infused with the wisdom of a lifetime’s worth of reflection and every one of their stories recalls moments of clarity and comprehension. Each man, after experiencing the vastness of space firsthand, came to see Earth as a wellspring of hope and opportunity, a Garden of Eden. If mankind could put somebody on the moon, can’t anything be accomplished with enough commitment and sacrifice?

Times have changed since 1969 but the lessons of the Apollo space program are as relevant today as they were when Neil Armstrong first smudged the moon’s surface. The Space Race was a symbolic competition between nations but its end result crystallized the bonds between all mankind. Once it’s possible to see that the heroes of NASA are as human as anybody else, then it’s possible to see that their unifying achievements are just as reachable today as they were nearly forty years ago.

Maybe I’m being an idealist but that is a message I’ll never tire of hearing.

Pushing Daisies Pie-lette Review

2007-10-05T02:22:00.000-10:00

I have a confession to make: Pushing Daisies has put me in a foul mood. It’s not because Pushing Daisies is a depressing show -- far from it actually. The first episode of ABC’s newest dramedy (that’s a comedy slash drama but the emphasis in this case is on the comedy) is so buoyant, fresh, and pitch-perfect that I’m afraid creator/writer Bryan Fuller (Dead Like Me) and his amazing cast have set the bar higher than any subsequent episode can ever hope to match. Ergo, I’m a little bummed that I won’t get to see Pushing Daisies again for the first time. Yes, it really is that good.

I know what you're thinking and the answer is no; Pushing Daisies is not about drug trafficking

From the sweeping camera pans to the brilliant settings (daisies galore!) to the playful, energetic performances by the cast, Pushing Daisies sparkles in every nook and cranny – and it depresses me to hell. Watching this show do so many things right is like pitching a no-hitter or winning the Tour de France (sans steroids); once the glow of achievement fades, you’re left with the nagging feeling that it’s all downhill from here.

The stylish camera work and exaggerated, almost cartoonish set designs are energetic and bursting with so much life that Tim Burton might get a little upset when he sees how perfectly director Barry Sonnenfeld captured the creative whimsy of Big Fish and Edward Scissorhands. Some of Sonnenfeld’s past projects, like Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, appear to be in the same visual vein as Pushing Daisies so I can’t get too far down on the director, especially when the result is so deliciously off-beat.

Comparing Pushing Daisies to a Tim Burton film is an appropriate comparison for another reason; this show looks, feels, and sounds like a big budget movie. If I had licked my television screen I wouldn’t have been surprised if it also tasted like a movie (minty, fyi). I suppose I should have expected high quality production values since most of the creative forces behind the show have extensive movie and television backgrounds and even the music composer, James Dooley, has been involved in like fifty different projects in the last few years alone.

They're so cute together it's making me bitter

The cast members are relative unknowns compared to the folks behind the scenes but you couldn’t tell by their relaxed deliveries that keep perfectly in tune with the show’s light hearted… ugh… tone. Lee Pace is Ned the pie baker, a sensitive young man who reminds me once again of Edward Scissorhands not because of any physical deformity but because they both share a peculiar condition that prevents them from forming close relationships. Eddie Scissorhands had kitchen utensil appendages but Ned has the gift (or curse) of raising the dead. Ned’s gift makes the dead come alive as they once were but with a few complicating limitations (are there any other kind?).

At a young age Ned realized his ability had rules and these rules set up some major story arcs for the series.

Rule number 1: Touching a dead person or animal will bring them back to life (Ned learned this rule by reviving his dead dog).

Rule number 2: If the re-animated person (or animal) stays alive for 60 seconds then somebody nearby will die in their place (Ned learned this rule by reviving his dead mother, and then killing his neighbor’s father).

Rule number 3: Once re-animated, a person or other life form will remain alive until Ned touches him, her, or it again – and this time it’s dead for good (unfortunately Ned learned this rule by giving his re-animated mother a kiss goodnight).

With that kind painful education it’s no wonder Ned grew up to be a little distant.

Ned’s character very easily could have come across as a complete wimp or even a lovesick puppy (I’ll explain) but Lee Pace manages to avoid both possibilities with a reserved masculine strength and wry humor that is self-deprecating without being pathetic. It also helps that he has some snappy lines to work with. When somebody tells him he can’t just bring people to back life and then refuse to help them he replies, “Yes I can. That’s how I roll.” And since he can’t touch his dog again without killing him (rule number 3 in effect), Ned pets his poocher with a synthetic hand made entirely from wood. Ned is just far enough offbeat that he’s different and quirky but not a total geek.

Ned is also a pie maker so naturally he runs a diner (aptly named the Pie Hole). However business is bad so he reluctantly begins a side job with a private eye, played by Chi McBride. When private investigator Emerson Cod (I love these names) accidentally witnesses Ned’s powers in action, they strike a business deal: Cod finds reward cases, Ned brings victims back to life and they very quickly find out whatever they need to know to collect the reward. It’s a natural arrangement drawn from unnatural conditions, and it works because Chi McBride oozes an aw shucks affability that neatly plays off of Pace’s reserved dry wit.

Zooey isn't in this show but she's always in my thoughts. My secret, naughty thoughts

Things become complicated when the duo investigates the death of Ned’s childhood neighbor and first and only sweetheart, Charlotte “Chuck” Charles.” I kid you not, but it took me months to realize that Chuck was not played by Zooey Deschanel. It’s an easy mistake to make since Anna Friel and Zooey both have the same big eyed pixie charm and though I would have loved to see Zooey in Pushing Daisies, Anna Friel does a perfectly good job. It turns out that Anna Friel’s pixie charm is actually quite potent and used to great effect as Ned’s main love interest.

Technically this is a spoiler, but nobody should be surprised to find out that Ned can’t quite leave Chuck dead and the duo of Ned and Cod becomes a threesome. Errrr.

I’ll leave the rest of the plot for your viewing pleasure but by now you can tell why I’m so miserable. The pilot for Pushing Daisies is so exquisitely tuned in pacing, direction and acting that the series can’t possibly get any better. I guess the only cure for my particular brand of depression is to watch another episode of Pushing Daisies and hope for the best. Watch the Pie-lette and you’ll be just as bummed, and eager for the next episode, as I am.

Saving the World one Link at a time

2007-10-03T02:14:00.000-10:00

Occasionally I like to use my V-list celebrity status to make a difference in people’s lives. Africa is played out thanks to Madonna and Angelina so I’ve decided to concentrate my efforts right here in the good ole US of A. Specifically, I’d like to give a shout out to a couple deserving movie and entertainment blogs, because there’s more to life than starving children in third world countries.

Celluloid Heroes
Paul McElligot is the creative force behind Celluloid Heroes, which is the kind of movie review website I’d put up myself if I weren’t so busy being sexy all the time. His reviews are clear, insightful, and a tasteful alternative to my frequent reflections on bowel movements. You might want to get started with some reviews of The 40 Year Old Virgin or one of my all time favorite movies, North by Northwest.

I smell varmint poontang

The Critical Lass
Whenever I see the word "lass" my mind conjures images of a sassy Irish woman who is much hotter than that chick in Caddyshack. I think that image is pretty appropriate for The Critical Lass, not because of any hot Irish women (unfortunately), but because Lass author Kristen has a sassy way about her. Head over to her blog and pay attention as Kristen sets her saucy sights on all the necessary pop culture mediums: books, television, and of course, movies.

Check out these worthy websites but don’t forget to come back to your favorite Spoon!

Television Roundup: Chuck and Heroes (spoilers)

2007-10-02T02:13:00.000-10:00

Given how much I liked Chuck’s premiere, perhaps a little letdown was inevitable. The second episode's jokes were sparse, the action felt rehashed and I didn't feel the same sparkle that I did in the first episode. Admittedly I missed the first 20 minutes because I am slow in the head, but I'm pretty certain the poisoned food routine was stolen from another show, and other than the tablecloth gag there weren’t too many surprises. Even the helicopter finale felt clichéd.

Zachary Levi could've been the the fourth member of Alvin and the Chipmunks

On the brighter side, next week’s episode looks a lot spicier; knives thrown at crotches have a way of making good television.

And on to Heroes.

I'm glad Peter cut his hair. Now if he could only learn how to talk normal-like

Today’s episode reminded me how intriguing this series can be. I can literally hear the creaky wheels in my head struggling to anticipate what will happen next.

It was gratifying to see at least one of my theories came true when Hiro borrowed Kensei’s identity to save the blacksmith’s daughter. But will the daughter realize that it’s Hiro who is actually the hero?

And the “real” Kensei apparently has rejuvenative powers like Claire. Thanks to Claire’s toe chopping demonstration, it looks like her healing powers – and therefore, likely Kensei’s power as well – can repair damage at a sub-cellular level (whatever that might mean). If I were to put on my science hat, I might suppose that their healing powers would also prevent aging and very likely allow eternal life. Is it possible that Kensei is Claire’s ancestor, or perhaps even her father? (I just did some reading and found out that Nathan Petrelli is actually Claire’s biological father. Boy did I miss a lot.)

I don't want to brag, but I was perving on Hayden before it became fashionable

We learned a little more about the brother and sister making their way to America. They're twins and each of their powers seem to nullify the other's. The sister can induce those around her to cry black tears (of shame?) before dying while the brother is able to prevent his sibling's power from manifesting. Today's episode also showed how the brother, Alejandro, can revive his sister's victims.

Is it just me or is Peter a little more muscular than last year? Whatever his physique, Peter is certainly making the most of his stable of powers. He looked pretty unstoppable against a couple of thugs, which makes me wonder why he won’t use force to retake his identity from his Irish captors.

Mohinder, Matt, Mr. Bennett, Molly (the little girl), and now the Haitian all seem to be in league together with the goal of bringing down Mr. Bennett's old company. It even looks like they're making progress which leads me to believe that disaster will soon strike. This could be the perfect opportunity for the worse-than-bogeyman character to make an appearance, unless he was already on the scene as Hiro's father's murderer or Mrs. Petrelli's secret scratcher.

What were your thoughts on the shows?

Television Spotlight: Dexter (Season 1)

2007-09-30T12:40:00.000-10:00

Dexter’s 2nd season begins tonight at 9pm ET/PT, but since I am slow, I offer my review of the first season’s first two episodes. Enjoy.

Who me?

Based on the Jeff Lindsay novel Darkly Dreaming Dexter, Showtime’s Dexter follows the adventurers of Miami’s most likeable serial killer. Wait, a likeable serial killer? Yes indeed, because he only kills murderers, rapists, or the type of people you’d generally call “bad guys.” And Dexter is very good at what he does. Very good. He should be since he began honing his craft as a wee lad, but now he’s all grown up and a member of the Miami Police force as a blood splatter expert (ironic, yes?), a position that grants him an excellent way to scope out his next victims.

Being based on a book seems like a blessing and a curse for Dexter. The blessing is the darkly comical premise that is darn near brilliant. The clichéd anti-hero as a grizzled loner who barks and growls but secretly harbors a heart of gold gets thrown out the window and replaced with a cold-blooded murderer flashing a saccharine smile. Dexter is gloriously free of regret, guilt or any semblance of a conscious. But his twisted code of honor allows him only to kill the bad guys and therefore necessitates his ever-cheerful smile and clever tongue to hide his complete disregard for all human life other than his cop foster sister and possibly his girlfriend.

The smog in Miami looks horrible

Much of the book’s fun was seeing Dexter struggle to keep his monstrous instincts safely hidden within his boring disguise and the show is no different in that respect. Hearing Dexter’s true inner thoughts as he fends off his girlfriend’s amorous advances (monsters like him aren’t interested in sex) is one example of an absurdly entertaining scene. And when I described Dexter as a cold-blooded murderer I was not exaggerating in the slightest. Dexter mutilates, chops up, and fillets his victims every chance he can get. We never see the complete carnage but there’s enough blood and squishy sounds to bother the squeamish (ie: me).

Dexter captures the bright colors and vivid contrasts that CSI:Miami has made synonymous with Miami television shows. Also standing out is Michael C. Hall in the role of Dexter. He's good-looking, charismatic and still manages to growl and grimace like a murderer. His cop sister, played by Jennifer Carpenter, is goofier than expected but her earnest performance is growing on me.

Dexter’s dark humor and intriguing mystery have successfully transitioned onto the television screen but here’s where the curse comes in: by sticking so close to the book’s material the show frequently slows down and scenes feel like they're filled with dead air (no pun intended). I may be coming from a biased perspective but the book was so fast and fun that by comparison the show feels slow and plodding.

If later episoes sharpen the dialogue and kill off (hehe) some of Dexter’s endless sighs and looks of befuddlement, then there’s enormous potential for the show. Increasing the frequency of Dexter’s inner thoughts would help keep narration brisk and up the comedy quotient which is already good but not great.

Dexter shows promise and I’ll do my best to keep with it but so far the book has been the more entertaining option.

New Computer

2007-09-29T01:13:00.000-10:00

I don't want to brag, but I am now the owner of a brand spanking new (ok, technically it's refurbished but still) 2.2 GHz Macbook Pro with the Intel Core 2 Duo /brag. I'll be back with some new updates on Dexter and The Kingdom but for now I'm going to play with my new toy.

Have a great weekend!

Ridley Scott's Blade Runner Interview

2007-09-27T18:23:00.000-10:00

Don't read Ridley Scott's Wired interview if you haven't seen Blade Runner yet. And then smack yourself in the head for not having seen Blade Runner.

"You want to know why my eyes are glinting? For the same reason I smoke weed: my glaucoma."

For enlightened souls who have seen Blade Runner, the interview shares the director's motivations for creating the film as well as some of his conceptual inspirations. It also explains how Scott wanted to make certain, um, ambiguous details very clear but had to buckle to outside pressures.

Hearing Ridley Scott's explanations on the ambiguous detail in question (wink, wink) makes me wonder why he took so long to clear the air (I know he broached the subject several years back, but only now do his explanations sound definitive). I'm eager to hear all your thoughts on the topic and if you don't know what I'm talking about then I strongly suggest watching the sci-fi masterpiece that is Blade Runner. Now.

P.S. Watch the director's cut, not the original version. Trust me.

The Problems with Accepted

2007-09-27T02:29:00.000-10:00

I honestly enjoyed watching Accepted except for one minor, little, eensy weensy detail: no effing way could a few kids create a passable imitation of a real university without accidentally killing a few dozen “students” from malnutrition, asbestos poisoning, industrial accidents, and so on. It's not that I’m being a movie snob, it's just that my suspension of disbelief got stretched a little too far with Accepted and I’ll tell you why.

1) Housing

I’ll be conservative and say that there were 500 students at the South Harmon Institute of Technology, aka SHIT. I did a little research and found that hospitals (and by extension mental hospitals like the one in Accepted) could include the necessary housing for each student. So if there are 300 rooms and 500 students are expected to share them, there are more than enough rooms to go around, right? Wrong. It takes time to learn how to submerge the immediate, naked hatred all people feel for their roommates, and without any supervision the students of SHIT would be free to judge, ridicule, and switch roommates to their heart’s content. Naturally this would leave roughly one third of the student body crying in the bathrooms (and we haven’t even gotten to the sanitation issues there) with another third attempting to coax a hottie into rooming with them and the final third busy crying out back in the bushes. Without administrative support, SHIT wouldn’t get settled for at least two days or more likely a week.

2) Disease Risks

One of the movie’s early gags showed Justin Long’s character rushing to keep his mother from seeing SHIT’s germ and disease-ridden bathroom. I think it’s reasonable to assume that all the bathrooms were like that (and probably a fair number of the dorm rooms because, after all, nobody was supposed to use them). Rampant outbreaks of tetanus and hepatitis, not to mention the expected invasion of STDs, would ravage the collective student body. The CDC would be called in within the first week, turning SHIT into the set for Outbreak.

3) Injury Risks

Skateboard ramps. Authorized dorm room renovations. Telekinesis classes. Now tell me with a straight face that these activities won’t end up in blood and fractured/decapitated limbs? I didn’t think so. I’ve seen real college students take such innocuous items as Elmer’s glue and a Latin textbook and still inflict great bodily pain. Replace the textbook with a sledgehammer and SHIT’s going to get broken.

4) Food

Granted, I didn’t watch the final half hour of Accepted so I didn’t see the team of cooks preparing food for the “university” but for the hour and a half I did see, only one guy was feeding the entire student body. And one guy cannot prepare enough food for 500 people. Heck, one guy can’t make enough food for 100 people, or maybe even fifty people. I can't really offer a reasonable estimate since I can barely feed myself.

Without enough food to eat, you know some of the skinnier students are going to very quickly begin resembling those kids in the African adopt-a-child programs. Even the students with an extra layer of cushion aren’t going to be eating the right combination of foods – the freshman fifteen is very real and rarely the result of too many vegetables – so add scurvy to the list of rampaging diseases on campus. Throw in the occasional case of food poisoning from the under-trained cook(s) and the fake campus isn’t looking so hot.

5) Unwanted Pregnancies

Even if the entire student population is slowly dying from food poisoning, blood loss, and hepatitis, the circle of life will go on. Usually college students are less likely to get pregnant, but remember, these aren’t real college students. And if one of the classes is watching girls sunbathe it’s pretty easy to imagine what the practicum would look like. It wouldn’t be long before SHIT listed Lamaze techniques on its big board of classes.

I’d give SHIT about two weeks before dissolving into a cesspit of disease, malnutrition, and untreated injuries. Any longer than two weeks and the South Harmon Institute of Technology would look an awful lot like a ghetto. I don’t know about you, but I would not want to be accepted into that SHIT.

Heroes Season 2 Premiere: Questions

2007-09-26T14:36:00.000-10:00

I fell off the Heroes bandwagon midway through the first season, not because I grew bored with the series but because I am better at sprouting wings and flying than adhering to a strict television schedule. So I skipped ahead to the first episode of the second season and naturally I have a few questions.

(It should go without saying that I can and will spoil plot developments.)

Question number 1: What happened to Sylar?

Last I saw, Sylar had broken out of his paper building prison and seemed likely to confront Peter Petrelli. Based on previews of a sunbathing Sylar and a few comments in Monday’s premier, I gather that Sylar is now “dead.” I use quotations because I find that highly unlikely. Much more likely is that he suffered some kind of defeat and now he is licking his wounds before making an “unexpected” return partway through the second season.

Question number 2: What happened to Peter Petrelli?

Last year Peter was learning to control other Heroes’ powers (and failing at it). His lack of control was somehow turning him into a bomb; very likely the same bomb that Isaac foresaw blowing up New York. Obviously New York is still around so Peter didn’t destroy my future city of residence (in less than 2 weeks!) but he did manage to lose his memory and clothes in addition to getting himself shipped to Ireland in an empty crate. Peter also has some kind of projectile attack now, which is good for him. I always thought videogame fighters who didn’t have projectile attacks were severely disadvantaged.

Question number 3: How and why did Claire and her family successfully move to California?

Quick aside: Claire’s dad’s observation of the tall, hot girl at Claire’s new school was hi-larious. I hope to see more of that humor. And here I thought the Haitian had ripped out Claire's father’s memories to help her escape but now it looks like Claire’s father knows what’s going on and is now actively trying to bring down his old employers. I could be wrong about that, but why else is he hiding? I also predict that Claire’s regenerative powers and her new friend’s flying ability will be revealed to the public very soon.

Question number 4: Who is Matt’s new friend? And who is she afraid of?

Apparently Matt, Mohinder, and Claire’s Dad are all in cahoots in an anti-anti-Heroes campaign. Matt’s new adopted child seems part of this arrangement, if not for any inherent powers (I didn’t notice any) but for her connection to a powerful new enemy. Or is it just Sylar again, reshaped in some new way?

Question number 5: Who is the new Mexican girl and what is her power?

She kills people dead and that’s a pretty cool skill. I predict more killings in the future.

Question number 6: Where are all the other Heroes?

I liked being able to focus on just a few Heroes in Monday’s premiere. But what about all the others? I figure some of them had to die off, but is the show now going to alternate storylines? Stretching plots out like that would seem like a risky proposition. As with all my other questions I guess I’ll have to watch next week to find some answers.

Unless you have some answers for me? Hint. Hint.

Chuck Recap and Impressions

2007-09-25T19:07:00.000-10:00

If you’ve been to the movies in the last twenty months then you’ve already seen NBC’s entire fall lineup, including the comedy/spy thriller Chuck. You probably also know that Chuck is about a guy named (what else?) Chuck who is a computer geek by day – actually, he’s always a computer geek – and he’s also the United States government’s newest, and improbable-est, secret agent. Stop me if you’ve already heard this one.

I know this is the wrong Chuck, but with the right one I couldn't say this: There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

But before you write Chuck off as just another rehash of an unlikely hero thrust into hilariously unlikely scenarios, take a moment to see just how gosh darn likeable Chuck is.

Chuck went to Stanford, so he’s smart, but he also works at Buy More (a play on Best Buy) so he’s also an underachiever. He’s shy around women (he tries to hide from girls during his own birthday party) yet he can still be charming. He wears Converses but also a tie. See where I’m going with this? Chuck straddles the line between working stiff and slacker in a way that makes him eminently likeable without being Carson Daly bland. Think of a young Tom Hanks in a comedy spy thriller and you can see Chuck’s potential.

Is it just me or is Tom Hanks wearing a decapitated arm? It looks pretty good, whatever it is

Besides Zachary Levi’s goofball charm in the lead role, a number of behind the scenes players help make Chuck a comedy thriller that’s actually – gasp -- funny.

Writer/producer Josh Schwartz cut his teeth on a little television show you may have heard of called The O.C. This was THE young person’s soap opera during my college years and while Rachel Bilson may have used her super vixen hormones (it’s my understanding that Bilson’s hormones are currently being studied by the government for their potential uses in biological warfare) to attract a legion of drooling viewers, it was some sharp, witty dialogue that kept them glued to the screen week after week. Chuck shares a lot of the same sharp wit, thankfully streamlined for greater comedic appeal.

This is what the army calls a "flanking maneuver"

Directors McG (The O.C.) and David Solomon (Buffy the Vampire Slayer) bring some snappy camerawork to the table. There’s plenty of movement and action to remind viewers that Chuck is no sitcom and the pace isn’t so fast as to induce epileptic seizures.

The on-screen talent isn’t too bad either. Yvonne Strzechowski and Adam Baldwin star as Chuck’s “covert co-workers.” Yvonne displays some nice chemistry with Levi in the two lead roles and her blonde good looks are sure to keep guys happy. And every show is better off (ie: funnier) for having Adam Baldwin in it as proven by his work in Firefly. Chuck’s co-workers and friends, played by Joshua Gomez, Vik Sahay and others seem like they’ll be playing a larger than expected role in the series and their deadpan banter evokes memories of The 40 Year Old Virgin though toned down enough for a television audience.

Monday’s pilot episode did everything right in setting up Chuck’s character. There were a few clichés (why must everyone go to the beach to contemplate deep thoughts?) but overall the show was sharp and fresh and the chemistry between the principal actors was on target. It’s hard to see exactly where Chuck is headed and this lack of long-term focus may be a problem down the road, but for now I’m simply happy to watch, and laugh, at what happens next.

Television Update - Chuck, Heroes

2007-09-25T04:01:00.000-10:00

I saw two "new" shows last night. The first was Chuck. It's about a dude named Chuck who accidentally receives an email that embeds thousands of CIA secrets into his brain. He's got to handle government agents who want his head in addition to a video game addiction, a clingy best friend, and a computer tech job that would drive a sloth to tears (I'm not sure what I mean by that, but I'd really like to see a sloth cry). It's also quite funny.

The second "new" show I saw was Heroes. I know this is the show's second season, but I stopped paying attention once I missed an episode in the middle of last year so last night's premiere was a bit of an eye opener. I'm still not sure I understand the recent developments, but my interest is once again piqued.

Later today I'll put up some recaps and impressions on both these shows.

Quick Movie Review - Resident Evil: Extinction

2007-09-24T09:10:00.000-10:00

Every couple of years a new Resident Evil movie comes out and every couple of years I go see it, only to forget what the heck happened five seconds into my post-cinema urination. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the ultra-light, ultra-action-packed earlier films and I also enjoyed Resident Evil: Extinction, the third and latest installment in the franchise, but that still didn't stop me from forgetting everything I saw by the time my hand reached for my zipper.

Everything looks cooler -- and meaner -- in Japanese

Milla Jovovich returns as Alice, the superhuman defender of – hell, who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter who Milla is or what she wants, her entire purpose is to look good and kick ass and she does both quite well. If anything, I wish she could have kicked more ass. If it’s the third episode of a trilogy and I can’t remember what happened in either of the first two films then I know I can expect more violence than a Hayden Panettiere interview – Zing!

Extinction is loosely based on the Resident Evil video game franchise, but I’m pretty sure none of the games featured a ragtag group of humans struggling through a post-apocalyptic world. Still, fans of the series will recognize the creepy bloodhounds, zombies, and a certain bad guy that is big, pulsating, and almost impossible to kill.

The latest Resident Evil film also has its fair share of special effects. Explosions, mutant crows, and gun shootouts are all here, but the special effect that stood out the most was Milla Jovovich's face. Milla’s face practically glowed throughout the film and I later learned that she and Extinction writer Paul W.S. Anderson (no relation to either Paul Thomas Anderson or Wes Anderson) are an item and expecting their first child. I can tell you her pregnancy didn’t interfere with her ability to kick ass, but was it responsible for her glow brite face? You’ll have to tell me your opinion.

"I am a pregnant woman. Now get me some Cheetos."

If you’re down for Milla-mania, zombies, and ass kickings check out Resident Evil: Extinction, but whatever you do, stay out of Hayden Panettiere's way.

Sadness

2007-09-22T11:17:00.000-10:00

I know I promised a movie-related post today but I just received some news that supersedes it.

One of my favorite authors -- if not THE favorite -- of my formative years has a huge following for his monumental and incredibly rich fantasy series that he began writing almost twenty years ago. This series, known as the Wheel of Time, is already eleven books long with a twelfth and final installment as yet unfinished. Now it will never be completed because its creator, James Oliver Rigney Jr., though better known as his pen name Robert Jordan, died this past week at the age of 58.

The artwork: crappy. The story: not so much

I remember picking up the first of Mr. Jordan's WoT (nerdspeak for Wheel of Time) books in an airport many years ago. I was about twelve and the prospect of a long, boring flight listening to my brother snore spurred me to look beyond the hokey cover art and buy The Eye of the World. Ever since that day I continue to judge books by their covers but now I try to give them the benefit of the doubt because within the EoTW's crappy cover art lay the beginning of the most intricate, expansive, and complete fantasy series I have ever read.

In my opinion, neither Herbert nor Tolkein can inspire the same pure, unadulterated enjoyment found in the WoT series and lesser authors like Terry Goodkind can only dream of having a quarter of Jordan's talent. Only George R. R. Martin approaches Jordan's ability to mix history, drama, adventure and prophecy into a transcendent whole. Robert Jordan's stories have shaped the way I read and enjoy books today and I'll never forget him.

I'll miss you Mr. Jordan.

Moving Update

2007-09-21T10:44:00.001-10:00

Only one more day of work! Of course, my flight to New York isn't for a couple of weeks but I plan on using the intervening time to prepare my resume, seek out potential employers, connect with NY folk, and sleep - a lot. Once I get to the Big Apple I predict that I'll need a vast reserve of stored sleep to draw upon, like an obese person needing to eat extra jelly donuts to build up a healthy, natural layer of protection before a wilderness excursion.

I will also be participating in the most emasculating of activities: shopping. I'll be back later today or tomorrow with a movie-related post but for now I will be waist deep in socks, underwear and all the sundry items I need to not stink or look stupid.

Wish me luck.

2046 Movie Review

2007-09-19T00:20:00.000-10:00

Watching 2046 made me think of a book I’m reading. It’s a writing book called Bird by Bird and one of the writing principles it frequently refers to (as do many other books on writing) is how characters need space to grow the same way dogs and horses do. An author can lay out the most precise, detailed plot outline but if her characters resist their prescribed paths then their story will ring false. If an author can allow her characters to make their own decisions and the plot tags along for the ride, then every word and detail will add to the story’s natural depth and richness.

The Asian Clark Gable doesn't give a damn

I get the feeling that 2046 director and screenwriter Kar Wai Wong read the same book I did, or one very much like it. Because 2046 is nothing if not a collection of characters -- characters so fully realized that, whether they are on the screen for two hours or two minutes, watching a sliver of their lives gives the impression that once the film ends, their lives will still go on.

Much of this pervading sense of authenticity must be credited to Kar Wai Wong’s habit of filming without detailed scripts. Male lead Tony Leung, dubbed the “Asian Clark Gable,” describes acting sans script as “demanding” but also notes how “it keeps me from thinking and allows me to just be in my character.” His powerful performance, smoothly flowing from light-hearted to ruthlessly arrogant and everywhere in between, reflects the truth of his words.

Previously I described 2046 as “an emotional gauntlet with a Chinese/Japanese pseudo sci-fi twist.” I’m not sure if this description makes much sense, but I refuse to describe the story in any more detail. This isn’t because I’m being cruel or a tease but I think you will better enjoy this film with an open mind.

Ziyi Zhang, like the Pillsbury Doughboy, enjoys a good tummy rub

Keeping an open mind will also help you keep perspective. Kristen of The Critical Lass commented that the film left her with impressions of colors and moods rather than memories of plot or character and I can see where she is coming from. This is a film that forces you to experience some very strong emotions and it will leave some equally strong impressions on you, many of them emotionally taxing. Additionally, you will want to yell at the characters many, many times. They may be acting true to themselves (and trust me, this is a good thing), but watching them may drive you a little bit crazy.

If I haven't made this clear yet, 2046 isn’t for everyone. It is introspective in the extreme and what it lacks in bombs and explosions it more than compensates in regret and tears. There are also periods of tenderness and even happiness, but no more then you would expect of troubled characters given the freedom to live out their own troubled lives.

Movie-Writing Casting Call (And Quiz)

2007-09-18T00:15:00.000-10:00

You all know I love movies. And you also know that I love writing about movies. And now you know that I love writing about loving to write about movies.

But what about you?

The other day I encouraged everyone to make comments without fear of criticism or stalking. Today I'm going to take it one step further and ask if anybody would like to contribute to The Spoon.

Jonathon Lipnicki: I'm not a boy, not yet blessed with pubes

I'm not planning on making The Spoon a permanently collaborative effort, but if you have always wanted to write a movie review or start a discussion about something movie (or entertainment) related but haven't had the proper forum, this could be the perfect opportunity.

I don't have many requirements and if you read here regularly then you also know my standards aren't very high. If you want to write something funny, great, but as long as you mean what you say then your piece has a spot in The Spoon.

Leave a comment if you're interested in contributing or send me an email here.

And just to keep things interesting here's a Romance Movie Quote Quiz. I scored 3 out of 10 but if anyone asks say I scored -5.

I have a reputation to protect.

2046

2007-09-17T00:00:00.000-10:00

If you feel like wringing yourself through an emotional gauntlet with a Chinese/Japanese pseudo sci-fi twist, I heartily recommend 2046.

I promise to provide more details, if not a full review, but I think I'll try to get eight hours of sleep for once.

Me so sleepy and cuddly

'Night everybody and I hope you all had a wonderful weekend.

Discussions in The Spoon

2007-09-16T00:16:00.000-10:00

I was going through some recent comments when I was struck with a sudden realization: hardly anybody disagrees with me. Now I'm not so conceited that I believe I'm always right, and I know for a fact that I'm not because I totally got called out on my exclusion of some big name child stars in yesterday's post about the trials of childhood stardom.

Andersoncm brought this lack of -- how should I say it? -- "vigorous" debate in The Spoon into focus when he disagreed with my negative review of Balls of Fury and opined that the film was "hilarious" with a "great cast" and a "hot chick." He also called me a douchebag, but that's beside the point.

Balls of Fury is a source of much debate in addition to being a source of much testicle grabbing

In response to his comments I wrote:

I go into every movie hoping to see greatness and my reviews are my honest opinions. I may be critical of some movies (like BoF) but that doesn't mean I'm criticizing your or anyone else's taste in movies.

Immediately after typing this I realized I was telling the truth. I know that people shouldn't be judged by their taste in movies -- hell, I liked Failure to Launch so what does that say about me? -- so I hope nobody is avoiding disagreeing with me for fear of criticism or my incessant tendency to stalk. As long as we're all respectful I welcome any and all discussions at The Spoon.

Come with me if you want to discuss movies

Consider this an open invitation to disagree -- or agree -- with me anytime you darn well feel like it.

Child Actors

2007-09-15T03:29:00.000-10:00

Earlier tonight I saw the first twenty minutes of a Spanish subtitled movie called Valentin. It’s an endearing story about a precocious eight year old boy named – you guessed it -- Valentin. Growing up in 1960s Buenos Aires with a caustic, widowed grandmother has given the boy an unusually mature outlook on life, which he uses to understand and help those around him. One such effort involves asking his uncle for girl advice; not because Valentin needs new pick up lines – his "crush" is made up -- but because he thinks such “manly” discussions help his uncle feel useful.

Cute kid

While watching Valentin, I was continuously impressed by Rodrigo Noya’s ability to portray such a complete character while (presumably) never having experienced the same situations in his own life. Older actors may be able to train themselves or draw upon similar life experiences, but what do child actors do?

Was Rodrigo simply mimicking how he imagined an adult would act in each situation and the resulting display of maturity coupled with his naturally childlike mannerisms created the impression of precociousness? Or did he actually “become” an eight year old boy who also happens to act like an adult? Linda Blair has demonstrated how this may be possible.

I am so frightened of doing a Google image search for The Exorcist that I'd rather look at a naked Burt Reynolds

Shirley Temple, Macaulay Culkin, and Haley Joel Osment are (or rather, were) some more remarkably skilled child actors (say what you will about Home Alones 1-34 but Macaulay forever proved himself beyond reproach in Uncle Buck). They too were able to channel more intelligence and charisma into their film roles than most children display in all the years preceding high school (during childhood, I was too busy exploring my own nostrils to be anything other than disgusting). Yet no child star that I know of has proven him or herself to be an equally successful big person actor.

Macaulay Culkin, you poor bastard

Does this mean that the child actor’s instincts, which work so well in little person roles, do not prepare them to play more physically (but not necessarily emotionally) mature characters?

If I were forced to answer my own questions, I’d say that two major reasons prevent child actors from enjoying a successful career as an adult.

The first reason deals with development. A child’s acting ability can be likened to certain kinds of athleticism. Some youthful runners have blazing speed relative to other members of their age group but peak before they reach adulthood. They may still grow up to be fast adults but some of their previously slower rivals will pass them by. Child actors may similarly outgrow their talent.

The second setback for child actors is marketing. Shirley Temple is now an old, haggard looking ex-diplomat but if I were to mention “Shirley Temple” to you, chances are you’d think of an adorable, tap-dancing little girl, or, if you were an alcoholic, a really, really slow way to get drunk. My point is that once an actor’s persona gets burned into the public eye, it’s very difficult to change that image. I think Vanessa Hudgens is going to learn this the hard way.

Still, I imagine that if child actors worked at their craft as hard as four-fifths of all waiters in Los Angeles do, then they’d have a legitimate shot at maintaining a successful acting career. The odds would still be against them, but the odds are against anyone who wants to act for a living. An acting career is like an eighty year old man trying to get it on with a prostitute; sure you might get lucky once or twice, but good luck trying to keep it up for a while.

Natalie, if you're reading this, I want you inside me

I just thought of an exception to the Logan’s Run principle of child acting: Natalie Portman. I think Natalie has broken the mold partially because she started out older (she was 13 in Leon), partially because she’s an extremely talented and intelligent young woman, and mostly because she’s hot.

What do you think?

Why I Love the Movies: Reason #31

2007-09-13T01:25:00.000-10:00

Reason #31: Movies are short enough to watch without having your butt fall asleep

I need a doctor to explain to me why I can sit for up to three hours in a movie theater without a single toe napping on me, but heaven forbid I spend more than three minutes on the toilet seat before I morph into a grumpy, constipated paraplegic. I’m moving my feet around about the same amount whether I'm in a theater or a restroom, and if anything my backside is getting more exercise on the porcelain throne. So what gives?

Much of my best work is accomplished right here

Toilet ranting aside, movies really are the ideal length for casual entertainment. They're much shorter than books, which is great because it's impossible to stay comfortable while reading anything not written by Dr. Seuss. I also like to lie down while reading so it’s very important to cock the elbows at just the right angle so they don’t suddenly fall asleep. No matter how well you position yourself, however, you’ll always have to keep moving to stay comfortable. For example, I can also lie belly down on my bed with only my head and arms (and book) hanging over the edge. This takes pressure off my arms and lets the blood rush back into them. Unfortunately this has the side effect of making my head swell and I need to return to my original position within a few minutes or risk sporting the creepy red shade usually found on alcoholics. Advantage: movies.

Well played, iStockphoto

Regular readers have probably noticed that I’m a big fan of the comedies, which tend to be shorter than movies in other genres. This is because comedies parlay the unexpected into laughs and it's difficult to stay fresh for two straight hours, or even just one and a half. Conversely, dramas draw their energy from suspense which comes from buildup and anticipation which both require time. As a result, dramas tend to be longer than comedies. I'm about 65% certain that I'm not making this all up.

Early movies were measured in seconds, then minutes, before eventually becoming their current average length of 90-1000 minutes (LotR). I suppose movies could be shortened again, but with roughly two hours of material, audiences nowadays get a far more complex story that can make for a more rewarding and entertaining movie-going experience. And after all, entertainment is the name of the game.

When is a movie too long or too short for you? And how can I poop and keep my legs awake at the same time?

New York Update

2007-09-12T00:30:00.000-10:00

My move to New York is in full effect! I haven't purchased my plane ticket yet but I will most likely be flying out in early October. I've also been able to reconnect with some old friends in the area so the transition is looking better and better.

When I hear "New York," I think about the movie New York Minute, which makes me think about the Olsen twins, which makes me think about lesbian pirates

Of course, things would be boring if everything happened according to plan and so my brother's current landlord was kind enough to spice things up by setting a new move out deadline: the end of September. Fortunately my brother's roommate talked the landlord into pushing the move out date to the end of October. And here I was thinking that moving to a new city with no job lined up was going to be exciting enough. Nope. Now I get to help search for a new apartment from thousands of miles away.

Thanks again for everyone's continued support. I'm going to hoard it all up and store it for later because I hear it gets a little nippy in NYC during winter time and I might need some extra padding.

I have a couple new movie reviews up for 3:10 to Yuma and Shoot 'Em Up. Check them out if you haven't seen them or, if you have, read them again for the first time. I also have a new post up on The Athlete's Footnotes about this past week in football.

Take care everyone and keep on keeping on.

Shoot 'Em Up Movie Review

2007-09-11T01:53:00.001-10:00

Screenwriter Michael Davis’ earlier films run the gamut from passable (Eight Days a Week) to laughable (Double Dragon) but he successful breaks off his longtime relationship with mediocrity to write and direct the ferociously outrageous and frequently clever shoot ‘em up flick appropriately titled, Shoot ‘Em Up.

Two things prevent Shoot ‘Em Up from enlisting in the faceless army of by-the-numbers action movies: 1) Endlessly inventive violence -- it’s quite the kiddie pleaser these days -- and 2) a tongue that never strays far from the proverbial cheek.

Carrots don't kill people. But they sure help

Bullets and ass kickings are in fashion and available in the all the latest styles; like the traditional mid-air, twin uzi, simultaneous mow-down of multiple baddies, the slightly more daring mid-coitus firing exhibition, and the truly experimental cranial incision via carrot. The only person who won’t be thrilled to death with Shoot ‘Em Up’s extensive menu of killing blows is a pacifist.

Although said pacifist should be happy to know that Shoot ‘Em Up’s de facto hero, Mr. Smith (Clive Owen), is an enthusiastic proponent of gun laws. Not to mention social etiquette, especially when it pertains to handicap parking or child rearing, the latter of which is the reason Mr. Smith transforms into a one-man army in the first place. To describe the plot in greater detail than saying Mr. Smith is saving the life of a baby and a hooker one fantastic death at a time would be a disservice to the film’s camp-infused spirit.

John Lennon originally wrote, "All you need is a hooker" but it didn't rhyme so he changed it

You may be wondering, “Does Shoot ‘Em Up’s plot even make sense?” Yes it does, kind of. But the more important question is, “Should you care?” The answer: not at all. If you expect produce to be eaten and the laws of physics to remain an impartial bystander in the fight against bad guys, then Shoot ‘Em Up is not the movie for you.

If, on the other hand, you can make those concessions as well as accept a gleefully over the top Paul Giammati as a family man criminal mastermind, then make your way over to the local cinema. Shoot ‘Em Up will deliver the goods, one gory, outrageous, carrot-riddled death at a time.

3:10 to Yuma Movie Review

2007-09-10T01:17:00.000-10:00

Despite being set in a post civil war Arizona frontier, 3:10 to Yuma is not a Western. And despite being riddled with shootouts it isn’t really an action film either. 3:10 to Yuma is actually pretty difficult to classify since it so adroitly avoids every label except one: that of a damn fine movie.

Much of the film’s versatility stems from masterful performances by Russell Crowe and Christian Bale that transcend genre stereotypes. Both actors play quietly desperate, resourceful men forced to confront each other from opposite sides of the law.

Kumbaya never sounded so good

Russell Crowe is notorious outlaw Ben Wade, a gang leader as intelligent and urbane as he is ruthless. Wade has stolen dozens of lives and hundreds of thousands of dollars during his nefarious career and as 3:10 begins, his latest robbery is set to increase both his totals. But then the most amazing thing happens.

The infamous Ben Wade is captured.

On the surface, 3:10 to Yuma is the story of a rag-tag group of men – Christian Bale among them – attempting to bring a fearsome killer to justice. But this description is as inadequate as “western” or “action film.” Each of the central characters are so complete, so complex, that watching their physical and mental struggles is engrossing beyond anything a frenzied chase or chaotic gunfight could hope to match.

This isn’t to say that 3:10 is a plodder of a movie. Chases, gunfights and tense standoffs abound but they never detract from the continued brilliance of Crowe, Bale, and the supporting cast.

Elmore Leonard penned the source material for 3:10 to Yuma back in 1953 and his short story was turned into a film just a few years later. This first adaptation starred Glenn Ford and Van Heflin and has been described as one of the best westerns ever filmed. Despite my aversion to labeling the newest version of 3:10 to Yuma as a Western, I don’t doubt that it’s even better than the first.

For those of you who have seen it, do you agree?

Nut Smacking Montage

2007-09-08T03:54:00.000-10:00

Sometimes watching sore nuts just feels right.

Have a great weekend!

Behind the Scenes at The Spoon

2007-09-07T00:53:00.000-10:00

Over at The Fantasy & Sci-Fi Lovin’ Blog, SQT has revealed the secrets behind her posting magic. This inspired me to write my own behind-the-scenes look at The Spoon’s daily schedule.

10:00PM: Finish nightly soak at the hot tub. Time to begin the creative process.

10:10PM – 10:30PM: Brainstorm post topics while depositing massive bowel movement in toilet.

10:30PM – 10:40PM: Admire massive bowel movement.

Mmmm, this brownie looks really tasty

10:41PM: Flush massive bowel movement.

10:42PM – 11:00PM: Check IMDB for celebrity birthdays. Browse random movie information.

11:00PM – 11:30PM: Read other blogs. Compare previously brainstormed post topics with posts from other blogs. Liberally borrow/borderline steal ideas from other blogs.

11:30PM – Midnight: Write eloquent, informed post about recent film with a careful eye towards the educated tastes of The Spoon’s readers.

12:01AM: Accidentally delete eloquent, informed post.

12:02AM – 12:10AM: Write post about massive bowel movement.

12:11AM – 12:15AM: Admire post about massive bowel movement.

12:15AM – 1:00AM: Search for appropriate accompanying picture. Steal it.

1:00AM – 1:10AM: Write caption for picture.

1:11AM: Publish post.

1:15AM: Go to sleep confident that the world is a slightly more disgusting place because of The Spoon.

P.S. Thanks for everyone's support!

Thanks for the support!

2007-09-07T00:16:00.001-10:00

Thanks to everyone who responded to my desperate cry for help. With your support and advice, I'm about 90% certain to make the move to New York City within the next few weeks. Most likely I'll be searching for an internship to get my foot into the "writing" door while paying the bills with another job that doesn't tap into my awesome potential.

This is how I would look right now if I were an albino dog

If you're not the commenting type but you still have some advice about living and working in NYC, I'd be eternally grateful if you emailed me here.

Thanks again everyone!

Thursday's Shout Out and Desperate Cry for Help

2007-09-06T00:26:00.000-10:00

As I continue to recuperate from Tuesday's bowling extravaganza I offer an enthusiastic shout out to The Movie Queen. I still remember how difficult it was to launch a new movie blog; your dad always making you take out the trash and yelling at you to "get a life" while your mom constantly nags you to wash your sheets and change your underwear daily. Yeah, starting a movie blog can be a real pain in the ass.

That's why I'm happy to share the love with The Movie Queen. Check them out for their witty reviews and stay for their snarky snark-fests. And be sure to tell them I sent you so they feel obligated to give me candies and a woman's gentle touch.

Now for the Desperate Cry for Help portion of today's post. If you don't want to hear about my personal life, I offer you my Balls of Fury movie review or perhaps some observations of the Roddick vs. Federer matchup at my sports site, The Athlete's Footnotes.

Thanks to all you poor souls bored or depraved enough to continue reading.

You see, I'm seriously contemplating a move to New York City to live with my brother and begin a career in "writing" (possibly in reporting/publishing/scriptwriting/"Will dance for food"sign writing). I'm still pumping myself up to make the move but what I'd like to hear from you, dear sexy readers, is any useful info or advice you might have to offer to somebody needing an apartment and job - fast. Especially super would be any responses from people currently living in NYC.

Since you put up with my shouting and begging, I have some eye candy to reward you with. I hunted down a sweet pic of the hottest male and female model around.

I hope you like it.

Movie Quiz!

2007-09-05T01:23:00.000-10:00

I spent all night bowling so you know what that means - I'm mailing in today's post, aka it's Movie Quiz Time!

Today's quiz comes from The Fun Movie Quiz. You get one screen shot from a movie and it's your job to enter the movie's title in the adjacent line. I'll give you a hint: sometimes the article is in the title and sometimes it isn't (eg. The Sound of Music vs. Sound of Music).

Click Here to play the Movie Quiz. (I promise it's not porn)

Post your scores because I believe many of you should beat my paltry 19/30. I only have myself to blame for my poor showing. And alcohol. Can't forget to blame alcohol.

Balls of Fury Movie Review

2007-09-04T01:11:00.000-10:00

If movies were people and humor (aka the “funny”) was money, then Balls of Fury would be a tightwad pizza delivery guy; he’s got a few hundred dollars carefully stashed in his hooker jar but gives exactly 11.5% tips at TGI Fridays. The fact that he’s a pizza delivery guy is completely irrelevant except for the fact that I like pizza. And hookers.

Speaking of hookers, a key ingredient to successful comedies such as Talladega Nights and Knocked Up -- other than the fact that they’ve got genuinely funny material – is that jokes get tossed around with a casual confidence that anticipates a continual flow of punch lines and sets a positive tone for the entire film.

Every movie could benefit from a half-naked Will Ferrell. Even The Godfather, you ask? Especially The Godfather.

Balls of Fury handles it’s jokes like a big wad of pizza dough (pizza!); pulling, squeezing and stretching each joke as far and wide as it possibly can before letting you eat it (figuratively speaking of course). Instead of projecting confidence, this method of joke inflation sends the audience a very different message: enjoy this battered testicle gag for the next couple of minutes because you don’t know how long it’ll be before the next battered testicle comes your way.

And the dearth of laughs is the real crux of the issue. Writing/acting/pretend gay/directing duo Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant have taken the ginger stepchild of ESPN sports -- ping pong -- and modeled it after similarly wacky sport comedies such as Talladega Nights, Dodgeball, and Blades of Glory, but rarely venture beyond the most obvious shticks. The handicapped coach, the hot chick girlfriend, and the creepy bad guy are new comedy staples and there’s very little to distinguish the versions found in Balls of Fury, with the exception of the blind coach’s (Jame's Hong's) consistently amusing performance.

Lennon and Garant also forgot to make it possible to relate to anyone in Balls of Fury, unless of course you’re an ex child ping pong prodigy whose father was killed by the Chinese Mafia for failing to pony up on a bet lost on your crushing Olympic defeat to a militant German champion. Actually, that would be pretty cool.

My Balls of Fury highlight was watching this man flex his nipples. That didn't sound as masculine as I thought it would.

I realize I’m criticizing a flick that flaunts male bosom jiggling for not having relatable characters, but I think it’s a legitimate complaint. Jokes fall flat if you don’t care about or understand the people involved, which is why Will Ferrell is so damn good in Talladega Nights and just about any other movie he’s in. The guy can play ten kinds of imbecile but you never doubt that his heart is in the right place and that makes us care when his wife leaves him or laugh when he tears his nut sack. Balls of Fury’s Dan Fogler seems likable enough and demonstrates a knack for physical slapstick, but there’s just not enough material for him to get beyond a fat, slobby caricature.

If you’ve seen the previews, you’ve already seen the best parts of Balls of Fire. My advice is to be a tightwad and save your money for pizza.

My new sports site - The Athlete's Footnotes

2007-09-02T01:22:00.000-10:00

Check out my new sports website (I think "blog" sounds dumb) entitled The Athlete's Footnotes. It's clever, right?

The Spoon may be my baby, but The Athlete's Footnotes is kind of like the red headed stepchild of the family, but cooler. Shoot, now that doesn't sound very cool at all. Okay forget about the red headed stepchild -- they're never cool -- but still check out The Athlete's Footnotes.

Red headed stepchild: not cool.

The Athlete's Footnotes: cool

Comedy Quote Contest Winner

2007-09-01T12:36:00.000-10:00

The Comedy Movie Quote Contest is over and the winning quote has been chosen! And that quote is:

"It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."

from Office Space

Office Space - It's funny because it's the sad, sad truth

With more than twice as many votes as the runner up(s), the popularity of Sadie's Office Space quote clearly proves that The Spoon's readership is both lazy and careless. God bless you all.

In addition to being the contest winner, Sadie is also the proud owner of a brand new house. At least, that's what I hear. In other news, she gets a $10 Amazon gift certificate for winning this contest.

To all the participants, thanks for playing and to everyone else, what was your excuse? Maybe the next time when I offer a "prize" for a contest, people won't automatically assume I'm going to send nudie pictures of myself.

Enjoy the weekend everybody!

Celebrity Birthdays Friday, August 31

2007-08-31T02:45:00.000-10:00

First, go vote for your favorite Comedy Movie Quote if you haven't yet (this is the link).

Now read my post.

(As long as I'm giving orders, you also have my permission to disrobe if you are a lady. If you are a guy, I'm assuming you are already naked. I don't know why this is the case.)

Celebrities have birthdays just like you and me although their parties are a little bit cooler than drunken karaoke or drunken twister or drunken monopoly(so hard!). While us commonfolk will never attend the stars’ birthday bashes, we can at least secretly delight in the knowledge that the beautiful people are one year older and uglier - with the exception of ageless wonders Nicole Kidman, Mary Louise Parker, Diane Lane, and that red head from Desperate Housewives (rawr). Teri Hatcher used to be on that list until she decided to go on Extreme Makeover: Glamour Coke Whore edition.

Her dead eye makes me cold inside

Now for the roll call of celebrity birthdays on Friday, August 31, 2007.

Richard Gere – I’ve mentioned in the past how much I’ve admired Mr. Gere for his roles in Primal Fear and American Gigolo, but you’ve still got to hand it to him. This is a guy who churns out quality performances year after year. I’m also looking forward to a project he’s attached to called Hachiko, which is based on an incredible true story about a professor and his loyal dog. I’m not sure where the movie will be set, but the actual events took place in Tokyo, Japan where I actually got to rub my sweaty hands over Hatchiko’s (the dog's) statue.

Zack Ward – Mostly I remember Zack Ward as the goofball brother in the short lived comedy series Titus. Perhaps his greatest movie moment, however, was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Specifically I’m talking about the scene in which he guns down a mutant dog, introduces himself in quite the bad ass manner, and then promptly gets killed by more mutant dogs. I’m pretty certain he was also the bully in A Christmas Story.

I couldn't find a picture of the mutant dog scene so I recreated it with my l33t photoshopping skillz. The red squiggly marks are blood.

Chris Tucker – Some people hate Chris Tucker but I’m mostly ambivalent about his film career, except for his role as Smokey in Friday – that role was special. By the way, did anyone see Rush Hour 3? I thought it was equally ridiculous and bland, but did you notice how Chris Tucker’s head has ballooned to Barry Bonds-like proportions? That cannot be healthy.

Deborah Gibson – I don’t know who she is but she has a sultry IMDB photo.

Buddy Hackett – I didn't know who he was either but apparently he used to be a famous comedian. I only know him as a reference in Tommy Boy.

“Hey Richard, maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh, what's his name? Buddy Wackett?"

That was a masturbation joke in case you haven't seen the movie. I'm not sure what it is about masturbatory humor that always gets me ~~off~~ ~~excited~~ ~~ejaculated~~ laughing.

What do you guys think of the birthday boys (and girl)?

Comedy Movie Quote Contest

2007-08-29T00:13:00.000-10:00

The Comedy Movie Quote Contest is here!

The Rules:
First check out the entries and then vote for your favorite "real life" comedy quote. This is the quote that you would most enjoy hearing on a normal day.

I'll announce the winner on Saturday at which time the "prize" will be revealed.

The submissions in random order:

1) "It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care."
from Office Space
-submission by Sadie

2) "I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pull rank on you. I didn't want to have to do this. I'm with the Mattress Police. There are no tags on these mattresses."
from Fletch
-submission by Diesel

3)CAPT. OVEUR: You ever been in a cockpit before?"
JOEY : No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
CAPT. OVEUR: You ever seen a grown man naked?
from Airplane
-submission by SQT

4)"Does anyone speak Jive?"
"Stewardess, I speak Jive."
from Airplane
-submission by Sarah

5) Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.
from Ace Ventura
-submission by Matt

6) (Any time people are (vaguely) talking about sex) "You mean, penis-in-vagina?"
from Wet Hot American Summer
-submission by Mike Spoodles

7)Teenager: Are you a cop?
Fletch: As far as you know.
from Fletch
-submission by Veebs

Good Luck!

Desperate Fan = Viewing Pleasure

2007-08-28T18:24:00.000-10:00

Normally I don't like to steal videos from other sites (such as the consistently funny With Leather), but this clip was too good to pass up.

Watch this desperate fan lose a contest, but win a special place in my heart.

Let me know if you like clips like these and I'll keep sharing them.

Television Spotlight: The Pick Up Artist

2007-08-28T02:08:00.000-10:00

VH1 is hitting the lonely, desperate male demographic hard in its newest reality show The Pick Up Artist. The Pick Up Artist or PUA (acronyms are a staple of this show) is led by supreme PUA, Mystery, and his wingmen Matador and J-Dog. I am not making this up. Their job is to take eight men suffering from varying degrees of social ineptitude and turn them into Master PUAs.

I’m going to reveal a few spoilers now so please look away if you don’t want to taint your macking viewing pleasure.

By the end of the one episode I saw (the 4th?), three of the eight lady killer wannabes had been voted off. They included Stephen “The Spoon,” who got voted off despite his incredible nickname, as well as Fred the 45 year old virgin (gasp!) and Scott the intellectual (no way!).

Pictured: Ladykiller

The remaining five contestants have proven themselves competent at Mystery’s pick up methodology which is so full of jargon that watching The PUA is a lot like watching a Star Trek episode.

The Greatest PUA in the history of the universe

First picture Mystery, aka Erik von Markovik (wise choice with the pseudonym Erik), and his wingmen Matador and J-Dog sitting in a dark room watching a large screen of his pupils, or away team, as they confront delicious female life forms. The pupils have invisible ear radios to hear Mystery’s directions (true!).

[Pupil sees an attractive female]

Pupil: Hottie spotted.

Mystery: Begin Step 1 of the Mystery Method. Begin Operation: Attraction.

[Pupil begins opening lines with female]

Mystery: Good work number 2. Commence with Operation: Comfort.

[Pupil begins moving closer to female]

[Female also begins to move closer to pupil and laughs at his “jokes”]

Mystery: We have reported 2 IOIs (Indicator’s of Interest). Begin Phase Shift to Seduction phase of the Mystery Model.

[Pupil initiates kissy face]

[Female turns shoulder and sticks out hand]

Mystery: Warning number two! Warning! Bitch Shield has been activated! I repeat, Bitch Shield has been activated! Abort, Abort!

Matador: Loser.

J-Dog: He sucks.

Despite the temptation to dismiss The Pick Up Artist as just another sensationalist reality show that objectifies women and idolizes the promiscuous male, there’s actually a much more wholesome side to the entire operation. A side that I call Operation: Inspire. You see, the Pick Up Artist isn’t about getting guys laid. Well it is, but in addition to getting guys laid it’s also about raising men’s confidence. And there is nothing more noble than raising men’s confidence while simultaneously teaching them how to get laid.

When I saw flashbacks to how the contestants started out, with their glasses and awkward shuffles, I saw how far they had come. I mean, the 45 year old virgin and The Spoon must have really sucked because they were voted off in the first couple episodes, but the nice guy intellectual really did show a lot of improvement. He no longer wore glasses. He had accepted that picking up women was his new purpose in life. Yeah, he had really come a long way.

So if you want to see a show about guys learning how to manipulate women into one night stands, then watch The Pick Up Artist. But if you want to see an inspirational show about guys learning how to manipulate women into one night stands, then you’ll also want to watch The Pick Up Artist.

Let me know if you see any more Pick Up Artist episodes because I'll probably miss them but my, uh, friend wants to know what happens.

P.S. Keep those Comedy Movie Quotes coming. Only one more day!

Comedy Movie Quote Contest

2007-08-27T08:38:00.000-10:00

Keep those comedy movie quotes comin' because we're going to have a contest!

Haha, your fly is open. Also you're ugly. - Mean Gorilla

I'm going to choose, in a completely objective manner, the best comedy movie quote submission from each person (one per person). If you'd like to choose your own submission, just note it in the comments section.

I'll post the submissions here either tomorrow or the day afterwards and we'll vote for the funniest quote we would like to use in our sad, meaningless lives (yeah!). The prize is so good I haven't even thought of it yet.

And Remember, these are comedy movie quotes that you or someone you know actually uses. So ideally you'll also include the appropriate context to use your quote.

Check out the last post for some inspiration.

Happy submittin''!

The Greatest Comedy Movie Quotes Ever

2007-08-25T01:39:00.000-10:00

I just spent three hours pouring over my favorite comedy movie quotes (yes, I have too much time on my hands) and the funniest thing happened: I couldn’t find any. OK, I’m exaggerating; I did find about fifteen movies with great quotes but I expected way more. And before you get huffy I should also clarify that I’m not talking about any old funny movie line, but comedy lines that you or someone you know actually uses in everyday speech.

For example, Animal House is a titan of comedy films but how often can you use this gem?

Otter: I'm sorry, I can only stay a minute. Can I buy you some lunch? Oh, you got your lunch. Well, how about some milk? Got your milk too. Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?

Unless your name is Richard Grieco, the answer is not very often.

The problem is that most movie quotes derive a lot of their humor from the film’s context, which is why I don’t get to offer thigh massages very often. Another difficulty is that you need a receptive audience, preferably people who have seen the movie you’re quoting. I don’t know about you, but the people I’d like to offer thigh massages to are not necessarily the ones who have watched a thirty year old movie about Greeks.

This doesn’t mean all great comedies go unquoted. Take Caddyshack. It’s also a pillar in the pantheon of comedy greats, but unlike Animal House, it has a more general context: golf. Anybody who’s ever been on a golf course knows that Caddyshack lines can be quoted ad nauseum, which is Latin for “so funny it’ll make you pee a little.” And guys who play golf, in general, have also seen Caddyshack, making Caddyshack quotes especially, ahem, quotable. Simple as that.

Here are some of my favorite comedy quotes that I, or someone I know, actually use in real life. I’ll also describe the appropriate context to use them in. And if you're the easily bored type, just skip to the bottom of this post and write in your favorite comedy movie quote that you use. If the mood strikes me, I might even collect some of the "best" and everyone can vote for The Greatest Comedy Movie Quote... Ever!

Caddyshack:

Appropriate context: When propositioning a woman.
Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Appropriate context: When playing just about any sport.
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball.

Appropriate context: Farting. This is a personal favorite of my brother.
Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Appropriate context: Anytime you lay a finger on a golf club.
Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Appropriate context: When something completely incomprehensible happens, but you want to make it look like a positive.
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Major League:

Appropriate context: After a bad pitch or anytime somebody misses a target by a wide margin.
Harry Doyle: JUST a bit outside.

Necessary Roughness:

Appropriate context: After a fumble or a clumsy drop. By the way, it’s no coincidence these quotes are from sports movies. Sports are pretty much universal, even more so than math because math sucks.
Chuck Neiderman: Krimm breaks into the backfield. Fumble, FUMBALAYA, FUMBLERUSKI!

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to use a cooler way to say “party.”
Paul Blake: But I thought you said you wanted to Paaar-teee?

Royal Tenenbaums

Appropriate context: When talking jive.
Royal: You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!

Appropriate context: Admittedly this is not a universal quote. But I like it so much that I make it work. And yes, I can be obnoxious to talk to sometimes.
Peter Bradley: [Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, "wildcat".
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...
[long pause]
Eli: ... wildcat... wild... cat...
[he stares into space]
Eli: ... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go.

Wet Hot American Summer:

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to show some affection to a loved one or potential loved one.
Coop: [to the girl he likes] I want you inside me!

Kingpin:

Appropriate context: Anytime. I love this line.
Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to explain a deficiency in a creative and somewhat disturbing manner.
Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have?
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.

Appropriate context: Sometimes people just act stupid and it’s always good to have an excuse.
Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.
McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?
Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

Clerks:

Appropriate context: Anytime. This is a quote that I use sometimes without ever realizing it.
Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Chasing Amy:

Appropriate context: For some reason, I use this quote a lot in my head, but it can also be appropriate when you’re talking about likes and dislikes.
Banky Edwards:[discussing porn preferences] Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

Groundhog Day:

Appropriate context: After you’ve screwed up and you want to deflect attention in an ineffective manner.
[Phil Connors is stopped by the police after some crazy driving]
Phil: Yeah, three cheeseburgers, two large fries, two chocolate shakes and a large coke.
Ralph: [to Phil] And some flapjacks.
Phil: [to Cop] Too early for flapjacks?

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to slip a good line into your speech without anybody realizing it.
Rita: What did you do today?
Phil: Oh, same-old same-old.

I Love You to Death:

Appropriate context: Basically everyday in my entire life.
Joey Boca: I feel better now. I had a good crap. That's all I needed.

Appropriate context: When considering which board game to play.
Joey Boca: C'mon ladies, let's go... Monnnnnopoleeee!"

Tommy Boy:

Appropriate context: After physical injury.
Tommy: [Tommy running into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.

Appropriate context: When a signature is called for. However, you run the risk of just sounding stupid in front of people who haven’t seen Tommy Boy. But if you’re quoting Tommy Boy, you probably don’t care about not sounding stupid.
Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.

Big Lebowski:
Appropriate context: Anytime.
Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Appropriate context: When an ironic answer is needed for a straight question.
Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.

Friday:

Appropriate context: I like to use this line when my emotions are being played with.
Big Worm: Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions, Smokey.

Appropriate context: When somebody has been knocked the f*ck out.
Smokey: You just got knocked the FUCK out!

Ace Ventura:

Appropriate context: Talking about unnatural animal affection.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Appropriate context: Whenever somebody is taking a dump. Or peeing.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Appropriate context: When somebody talks to you in a creepy voice.
Mr. Shickadance: [comes from behind Ace] Ventura.
Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.
[turns around and sees Mr. Shickadance]
Ace Ventura: Ohh, I thought you were someone else.

Appropriate context: When you are secure in your masculinity (not appropriate for female use).
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.

Appropriate context: When somebody is waiting for you.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

There’s Something About Mary:

Appropriate context: When Brett Favre is mentioned.
Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Appropriate context: When you screw up.
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Appropriate context: This is a difficult one to slip into a conversation naturally. The final “step into my office” part is useful when you’re humiliating somebody.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Appropriate context: Whenever the male reproductive organs are being discussed.
Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Half Baked:

Appropriate context: Whenever the male reproductive organs are being discussed.
Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

Appropriate context: Whenever drug use is being discussed.
Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!

Nacho Libre:

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to squeeze your butt cheeks and look good.
Nacho: These are my recreation clothes.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby:

Appropriate context: When you’re thankful.
Ricky Bobby: I wanna thank little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.

Appropriate context: When praying (Christians only).
Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet.

Cool Runnings:
Appropriate context: When you want to show others that you’re cool because you’ve seen Cool Runnings.
Sanka Coffie: Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!

Office Space:

Appropriate context: When discussing bleak job prospects.
Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

Appropriate context: When discussing prison. A favorite topic of mine.
Rob Newhouse: Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?

Whew, that’s my list. I know I missed a lot of good ones so please share them in the comments section. Remember, these are comedy movie quotes that you use or somebody you know uses.

After a couple of days I'll pick some of the best quote submissions and we'll hold a vote for the Greatest Comedy Movie Quote Ever. If that doesn't get you excited then you, my friend, are not very excitable.

Check out FilmSquish.com

2007-08-22T23:55:00.000-10:00

I'm 80% certain I'm catching a cold so instead of going through the hassle of randomly typing letter and punctuation keys like I usually do, I'm going to let somebody else entertain you.

My recommendation/pimp out is for FilmSquish.com. Site creator Squish has a ton of movie reviews to peruse and a very fun weekly quiz game that you're welcome to participate in as long as you don't beat me.

Go check out his place and let him know that I sent you. That way he'll owe me "favors" that I can redeem in the form of oh-so-delicious foot rubs.

Don't say I never throw a bone to the ladies

And since some of my female readers complain about not getting enough eye candy, here's a picture of stud-in-training Zac Efron. He's so hot right now. My apologies for the blocking text but it's hard work ~~stealing~~ borrowing these fine pieces of ~~ass~~ art. I'm sure if you're properly motivated you can mentally remove the pesky letters while you're undressing him with your eyes.

Saturday Night Live Movies

2007-08-22T00:13:00.000-10:00

Hot Rod seems like an adequate comedy, but as I sit here debating whether or not to go see it this week - while simultaneously contaminating my fresh oxygen with stinky farts - I’m reminded of some of my favorite Saturday Night Live related movies. I’m also reminded that my bowels hate me.

Where have you gone Chevy?

Vacation – This 1983 “family” comedy hearkens back to a time when shorts were short, cars were ugly, and Chevy Chase was still funny.

Favorite line: “Hey kids, anybody thirsty?!?”

Three Amigos – Three out of work actors get hired by a Mexican village to protect them from bad guys, unaware they'll be fighting for real. Hilarious!

Favorite line: “In a way, each of us has an El Guapo [ed. note: main villain’s name] to face. For some, shyness might be their El Guapo. For others, a lack of education might be their El Guapo. For us, El Guapo is a big, dangerous man who wants to kill us. But as sure as my name is Lucky Day, the people of Santa Poco can conquer their own personal El Guapo, who also happens to be *the actual* El Guapo!”

Fire brings out the best in some people. I call them felons.

Tommy Boy: Probably my favorite movie of the bunch. Chris Farley was a frantic, lovable goof-ball genius and David Spade was his perfect foil.

Favorite line:
Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

I used to tell people that I wanted to dress up like this as a joke, but deep down inside I just wanted to look cool

Night at the Roxbury: This is the film that hinted at Will Ferrell’s later flowering. It’s dumb, but funny.

Favorite Line: “Richard Grieco, you see right through me.”

Mean Girls: Ahh, Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Did you learn nothing from Rick James? At least you gave us Mean Girls before you lost your way.

Favorite Line: “Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.”

Which SNL movies do you like?

Quick Superbad Review

2007-08-21T00:07:00.000-10:00

I read somewhere (Ed. note: not Cosmo) that women decide if they’re going to make sexy time with a guy within the first fifteen minutes of a date. I’ve yet to confirm this rumor since none of my dates last longer than ten bucks, but I think the same concept can be applied to Superbad.

In case you haven’t heard, Superbad is the newest movie from the comedic imaginings of Seth Rogen (The 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up), Evan Goldberg (Knocked Up), and Judd Apatow (many, many projects) and it’s been a long time in the coming. A long, loooong time in the coming. Let me put it this way, when I first heard about Superbad I could still sing as a soprano. So like, since February.

Anyhoo, after so many months of seeing ~~dick~~ ~~penis~~ ~~crotch~~ Mr. Happy previews and clips of high school nerdishness, you probably have a pretty good idea whether you want to see Superbad or not. I’d say trust your instincts on this one. If you liked Knocked Up, you’ll like Superbad. If you have a penis, you’ll probably like Superbad. If you liked The Notebook you probably won’t like Superbad - or have a penis.

Penis spoilers

Those of you who choose to see Superbad will be treated to a crude teenage comedy that’s genuinely funny and, at times, heartfelt. It’s not as polished as Knocked Up (I never thought I’d ever write that), but Superbad manages to mine plenty of laughs from the fertile grounds of teenage adolescence. The best moments in the film come from those experiences we all faced growing up: the accidental boob grab, awkward conversations with the opposite sex, and singing exhibitions for coked out drug fiends.

For those who decide to pass on Superbad, I suggest popping The Notebook into the DVD player so you can tell me what happens. I was going to watch it, but after fifteen minutes it just wasn’t sexy enough for me.

Random Movie Thoughts

2007-08-20T00:20:00.000-10:00

Check out yesterday's post on Race and Gender in the movies if you want something to sink your teeth into. It's a little longer and more involved than what I usually write, but that's because my brain is too small to keep it all bottled inside. Also I'm eager to hear what you all think.

But on to gayer thoughts.

Today I finally saw the Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers' vehicle, Swing Time, in its entirety. Now I know absolutely nothing about the seductive art of "dance" and I've been accused of having Elaine-like convulsions/dance -moves myself, but boy do I admire those two hoofers. There's none of that wiggling fingers and lightning fast cuts business to gloss over any dancing deficiencies - oh, no, these guys were the real deal.

Not the real deal

Gene Kelly may have been a more powerful tap dancer but nobody could beat Fred Astaire for pure grace and Ginger Rogers was a superb partner. She actually may have been better than Fred since she pulled off most of the same moves in heels and a dress and still managed to look ravishing.

Uncle Tom's Can Can

Quick Question: Is there anything more surreal than watching a black-faced Fred Astaire perform as a tap dancing black pimp named Bojangles?

The answer, in case you were wondering, is no.

Race and Gender on the page and in the movies

2007-08-19T00:29:00.000-10:00

Sometimes I forget that there’s more to the internet than music downloads and celebrity gossip and, no, I’m not talking about naughty pictures of barnyard animals - I never forget about those. What I am talking about is a provocative discussion on race and gender in the publishing word (which got me thinking about race and gender in the movie world, but more on that later).

Apparently I confused myself whilst looking for a race-related picture

I first saw this discussion at the always fascinating Fantasy & Sci-Fi Lovin’ Blog although it was author David Anthony Durham who initially challenged readers to think about how their choice of reading material is directly shaped by publisher’s and bookseller’s categorization of an author’s race (and, presumably, gender).

If you think about it, just about any business will make use of people’s race and gender if it means making more money. Take television. Back in college I took a communications course that broke down the demographics of the actors and actresses on television shows.

One study on American television programming revealed that there were a disproportionately high number of men on screen compared to women. And of the female actresses, a disproportionate amount were younger women while the men on television had a wider distribution of ages. And it probably goes without saying that racial minorities were also underrepresented.

Think about that for a second. In the television industry, men are more likely to be hired for roles than women and younger women are more likely to be hired than older women. And good luck if you’re an aspiring actress who’s both female and a minority.

"Uh, no intense offended there"

Now this kind of discrimination may not be news to you, but, just as in the literary world, it’s largely shaped by consumers’ choices.

You could argue till the U.S. Army withdraws from Iraq whether it’s the network executives or the viewing public who are responsible for the hiring bias towards television actors and actresses, but the bottom line is that networks are only interested in making money and that means airing shows that people will watch. And whether it’s intentional or not, people are watching shows that under represent women and minorities.

Now you might be wondering where I’m going with all of this. As it turns out, I’m hoping to use this discussion to win an argument I’m having with my dad.

But before I get to the argument, I’m going to assume that all of the results from the television study can be applied to the movie industry as well. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I’ll do a quick analysis of the current top ten movies (through the week of August 10th, 2007) and each film's top one or two lead actors and actresses to see if my shapely-gut-instinct is correct.

From Rush Hour 3 (number 1) to Daddy Day Camp (number 10) there are roughly fourteen “leads.” Eleven of the fourteen leads are men (or male voice actors). None of the female leads are older than Catherine Zeta-Jones (37) and only four of the fourteen leads are racial minorities (that’s including Catherine Zeta-Jones). And if we use our “lead” role here as a sample for the general population of movie actors and actresses then our results seems pretty consistent with television standards.

You're a lucky man Michael Douglas. Lucky I don't seduce your wife.

Now on to my ~~bitch fight~~ argument with my dad.

Not too long ago my dad told me how he was disappointed to see Marisa Tomei playing William H. Macy’s significant other in the “comedy” Wild Hogs. My dad reasoned that a role opposite an older, relatively “fugly” man signaled the end of Ms. Tomei’s acting career.

Basically, he and I are in agreement that Marisa Tomei will have a difficult time getting future work. But we disagree on the reasons behind the difficulty.

My dad believes that Marisa Tomei’s career up until now has been based on her looks (in addition to the requisite modicum of acting ability) and that her career will end when she is no longer appropriately attractive/desirable. Simply put, when she is no longer pretty, she will no longer work. Being cast as the love interest for an unattractive man (William H. Macy) therefore implies that Ms. Tomei herself is no longer an attractive actress and that her career will soon end.

Those leather pants have seen better days

My argument is that the success of Marisa Tomei’s future career is dependent on more than just her ability to look good. Going back to our understanding of acting gigs in movies, it’s possible to see that Marisa Tomei (and female actresses in general) struggles under a significant handicap. Remember how there are fewer roles for women than men? This means that, through no fault of her own, Ms. Tomei is less likely to find work than a comparatively talented male actor.

(Obviously we’re speaking in generalities here and even though Marisa Tomei is the subject of our debate, her name is being used to represent any attractive woman who continues to work as a professional actress beyond her early youth.)

Okay, I’m pretty certain I’ve gone on longer than is healthy, so now I’ll give the floor to you guys.

What I’d like to hear from you all is what you think on the matter. Am I full of hot air? Is my dad not seeing the big picture? Are we both missing the point completely?

Please share your thoughts so I can rest my poor aching head.