BMQ: How did Tara Reid make it into any of her movies?

Stunning reader Sarah recently posed this Burning Movie Question (BMQ):

How did Tara Reid make it into any of her movies?

Excellent question Sarah. Tara Reid, a.k.a. the Bionic Woman, combines the acting ability of a garden hoe with the voice of Sylvia Brown and somehow turns this winning combination into regular “work.”

That is one skanky looking hoe

I’ve stalked her home conducted extensive research and I think I’ve hit onto her secret.

Tara Reid entered a Faustian pact with the devil for fame.

Perhaps this sounds a tad far fetched but stuff like this happens all the time in Hollwood.


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Another example of a Faustian pact

Remember how Goethe’s Faust received power and knowledge in exchange for his soul? Well, the deal went down when Dr. Faust attained the “zenith of human happiness” (from wikipedia). I guess the joke was on Ms. Reid when she hit her personal apex in her second movie, The Big Lebowski, and is now doomed to an eternal limbo filled with horrible, trashy movies that receive just enough publicity to prolong her suffering.

Here’s some evidence that Ms. Tara Reid's career has been given a talon-clawed hand.

1) Personal life marked with tragedy/ridicule

Wardrobe malfunctions. Drunken exhibitions. Star-crossed breast implants. If The Exorcist were remade today with the possessed little girl all grown up, she’d be Tara Reid.

2) Unnatural acting ability

It’s clear to everyone that Tara Reid does not have a very natural acting style. Some might say her acting is downright unnatural. And isn’t unnaturally bad just a synonym for unholy?

3) Career frequently deals with the occult

Return to Salem’s Lot. Urban Legend. Alone in the Dark. Tara's filmography is filled with more supernatural pieces of crap than Stephen King's stool.

Admittedly things look bad for Tara when the entire mess of her life and career are laid out like this but there is a silver lining. At least she's not Rosie O'Donnell. Then she'd really be screwed.

No matter what goes wrong in your life, you can always take comfort in the fact that you're not Rosie O'Donnell

I hope that answered your question Sarah.

And don't forget to keep sending me your Burning Movie Questions.

Burning Movie Question Submissions

Got a Burning Movie Question? It’s okay if you do. In fact it’s as harmless as a third nipple but with a greater potential for enlightenment. Here are a few examples of my own Burning Movie Questions followed by their corresponding Burning Answers:

• Do actors get freaked out while making scary movies?

Answer: Yes.

• How did they get the T-Rex in Jurassic Park to not eat its tasty human co-stars?
  

Answer: Digital special effects. The human actors were shot in front of a blue screen and were digitally added after the T-Rex filmed its scenes.

Jeff Goldblum never got within 100 feet of the T-Rex during the making of Jurassic Park. Wuss.

• Who produced Kazaam and has the offending party suffered appropriate karmic backlash?
  

Answer: Starsky, aka Paul Glaser, suffered through an incredible series of family tragedies in the 80’s so the answer is yes. Aaaaaaand now I feel like a dick. Just one more reason to hate Kazaam.

Perhaps your interests are more into film editing techniques or bondage. That’s cool too. Please send your Burning Movie Questions to me via email or in the comments section and I’ll choose some of them to investigate. I’ll snoop around the internetz and available resources (read: naughty websites) to deliver you the answers you so desperately crave. Or failing that, I’ll make something up. Either way we all win. Because if you don’t have any questions for me to answer I’ll be forced to describe events in my personal life like that one incident involving my cousin who was born without an a$$-hole.

Don't forget to email me with your Burning Movie Questions.