The Spoon

Transformers is a spanking good time

I don’t usually look at other reviews when I want to write about a movie, in fact I often go so far as to cover my eyes and ears and hum “Na Na Na Na. Hey Hey Hey,” to myself before quietly whispering “goodbye.” But in the case of Transformers, there are just too many opinions out there to ignore. Here are a few examples.

Readers at IMDB have given Transformers a hearty 8.1 rating with many glowing reviews like, “Best Cartoon Adaptation Ever!!!” and “2 ½ hours of Power Rangers (at least, I think that’s a positive review).” On the flip side are the negative reviews such as “Disappointmentron” and “A Noisy Mess.”

Readers are more critical at Rotten Tomatoes where the average score is 57%. And even that number pales in comparison to the ongoing discussion that the success of Transformers director Michael Bay is proof that God does not, in fact, exist. While This Distracted Globe makes some very astute observations about Bay’s preference for Satanism style over substance, I’ve swallowed this amalgam of reviewing madness and produced a very simple theory for the polarized opinions on this summer's newest blockbuster:

Transformers is robot porn.

Admittedly, this photo of Megan Fox isn't from Transformers but
I still think it supports my claim. And I like it. Grrrrrr

I did not arrive at my porn conclusion lightly. Far from it. Many hours of deliberation were spent whilst squatting on the toilet and groaning. Groaning in deep, deep concentration.

If you consider the film’s composition, I think you’ll agree with my pornographic analysis. Transformers is about robots. Robots that fight each other and get very sweaty (obviously not with normal human sweat, but with DW 40 and other artificial lubricants) and grunt and “get physical” with one another. Frequently these robots interact with humans in interracial scenes, if you will. And like many other Michael Bay/porn productions, the plot merely serves to create semi-plausible scenarios for said robot action. It’s also plausible that you’ll want to take a nap after this orgy of robot action replete with multiple fighting partners, occasional tag teams, back door attacks and bondage. The only thing this movie is missing is light petting and – oh wait, even that’s in Transformers too.

This one's for the ladies

Watching this kind of movie will no doubt separate people into different camps.

One of these camps is for people that don’t want to admit any interest in a Michael Bay/porn flick. These types of people are liable to say things like, “I hardly ever watch these kinds of movies,” and “I didn’t want to see this at all but my finger must have slipped on the wrong 3 button sequence while my other hand was simultaneously scratching a very strong itch on my upper thigh.”

The other camp enjoys the thrills and isn’t ashamed to scratch their itch in public.

The third and final camp just doesn’t like this movie.

Of course, these camps are only filled with adults since Transformers seems innocent enough to kids who don’t know anything about the birds and the bees. But everyone not regularly watching Dora the Explorer will know that they are seeing pure, unadulterated, orgiastic action that is simply not interested in producing genuine emotion or character development.

Maybe my analysis still seems far-fetched. I offer one final quote from Michael Bay.
“I make movies for teenage boys.”

And what do teenage boys want to see? That’s right, robot porn.