The Greatest Comedy Movie Quotes Ever

I just spent three hours pouring over my favorite comedy movie quotes (yes, I have too much time on my hands) and the funniest thing happened: I couldn’t find any. OK, I’m exaggerating; I did find about fifteen movies with great quotes but I expected way more. And before you get huffy I should also clarify that I’m not talking about any old funny movie line, but comedy lines that you or someone you know actually uses in everyday speech.

For example, Animal House is a titan of comedy films but how often can you use this gem?

Otter: I'm sorry, I can only stay a minute. Can I buy you some lunch? Oh, you got your lunch. Well, how about some milk? Got your milk too. Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?

Unless your name is Richard Grieco, the answer is not very often.

The problem is that most movie quotes derive a lot of their humor from the film’s context, which is why I don’t get to offer thigh massages very often. Another difficulty is that you need a receptive audience, preferably people who have seen the movie you’re quoting. I don’t know about you, but the people I’d like to offer thigh massages to are not necessarily the ones who have watched a thirty year old movie about Greeks.

This doesn’t mean all great comedies go unquoted. Take Caddyshack. It’s also a pillar in the pantheon of comedy greats, but unlike Animal House, it has a more general context: golf. Anybody who’s ever been on a golf course knows that Caddyshack lines can be quoted ad nauseum, which is Latin for “so funny it’ll make you pee a little.” And guys who play golf, in general, have also seen Caddyshack, making Caddyshack quotes especially, ahem, quotable. Simple as that.

Here are some of my favorite comedy quotes that I, or someone I know, actually use in real life. I’ll also describe the appropriate context to use them in. And if you're the easily bored type, just skip to the bottom of this post and write in your favorite comedy movie quote that you use. If the mood strikes me, I might even collect some of the "best" and everyone can vote for The Greatest Comedy Movie Quote... Ever!

Caddyshack:

Appropriate context: When propositioning a woman.
Al Czervik: You're a lot of woman, you know that? Yeah, wanna make 14 dollars the hard way?

Appropriate context: When playing just about any sport.
Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball.

Appropriate context: Farting. This is a personal favorite of my brother.
Al Czervik: [breaks wind at a dinner] Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Appropriate context: Anytime you lay a finger on a golf club.
Carl Spackler: Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Appropriate context: When something completely incomprehensible happens, but you want to make it look like a positive.
Carl Spackler: So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Major League:

Appropriate context: After a bad pitch or anytime somebody misses a target by a wide margin.
Harry Doyle: JUST a bit outside.

Necessary Roughness:

Appropriate context: After a fumble or a clumsy drop. By the way, it’s no coincidence these quotes are from sports movies. Sports are pretty much universal, even more so than math because math sucks.
Chuck Neiderman: Krimm breaks into the backfield. Fumble, FUMBALAYA, FUMBLERUSKI!

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to use a cooler way to say “party.”
Paul Blake: But I thought you said you wanted to Paaar-teee?

Royal Tenenbaums

Appropriate context: When talking jive.
Royal: You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you've never heard!

Appropriate context: Admittedly this is not a universal quote. But I like it so much that I make it work. And yes, I can be obnoxious to talk to sometimes.
Peter Bradley: [Eli is on drugs while being interviewed on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, "wildcat".
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...
[long pause]
Eli: ... wildcat... wild... cat...
[he stares into space]
Eli: ... pow... wildcat... I'm going to go.

Wet Hot American Summer:

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to show some affection to a loved one or potential loved one.
Coop: [to the girl he likes] I want you inside me!

Kingpin:

Appropriate context: Anytime. I love this line.
Roy: WHO YOU CALLIN' PSYCHO?

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to explain a deficiency in a creative and somewhat disturbing manner.
Mr. Boorg: How many children do you have?
Roy: None that I know of. I mean, I'm unable to have children. Nasty cheese grating accident as a boy.

Appropriate context: Sometimes people just act stupid and it’s always good to have an excuse.
Ishmael: Okay, you want to bowl for some big money, eh? But I'll lose my entire bonus check because I'm so *bombed*.
McKnight Bowl Bartender: You get that way from ginger ale?
Roy: Nah, he was sniffing glue in the parking lot.

Clerks:

Appropriate context: Anytime. This is a quote that I use sometimes without ever realizing it.
Dante Hicks: I'm not even supposed to be here today!

Chasing Amy:

Appropriate context: For some reason, I use this quote a lot in my head, but it can also be appropriate when you’re talking about likes and dislikes.
Banky Edwards:[discussing porn preferences] Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

Groundhog Day:

Appropriate context: After you’ve screwed up and you want to deflect attention in an ineffective manner.
[Phil Connors is stopped by the police after some crazy driving]
Phil: Yeah, three cheeseburgers, two large fries, two chocolate shakes and a large coke.
Ralph: [to Phil] And some flapjacks.
Phil: [to Cop] Too early for flapjacks?

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to slip a good line into your speech without anybody realizing it.
Rita: What did you do today?
Phil: Oh, same-old same-old.

I Love You to Death:

Appropriate context: Basically everyday in my entire life.
Joey Boca: I feel better now. I had a good crap. That's all I needed.

Appropriate context: When considering which board game to play.
Joey Boca: C'mon ladies, let's go... Monnnnnopoleeee!"

Tommy Boy:

Appropriate context: After physical injury.
Tommy: [Tommy running into a glass wall] Ow, That's gonna leave a mark.

Appropriate context: When a signature is called for. However, you run the risk of just sounding stupid in front of people who haven’t seen Tommy Boy. But if you’re quoting Tommy Boy, you probably don’t care about not sounding stupid.
Richard Hayden: I need your John Hancock.
[Tommy Boy scoffs]
Tommy: It's HERBIE Hancock.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.

Big Lebowski:
Appropriate context: Anytime.
Walter Sobchak: This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!

Appropriate context: When an ironic answer is needed for a straight question.
Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?
The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.

Friday:

Appropriate context: I like to use this line when my emotions are being played with.
Big Worm: Playing with my money is like playing with my emotions, Smokey.

Appropriate context: When somebody has been knocked the f*ck out.
Smokey: You just got knocked the FUCK out!

Ace Ventura:

Appropriate context: Talking about unnatural animal affection.
Melissa: You really love animals, don't you?
Ace Ventura: If it gets cold enough.

Appropriate context: Whenever somebody is taking a dump. Or peeing.
Lois Einhorn: Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone.
Ace Ventura: Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have.

Appropriate context: When somebody talks to you in a creepy voice.
Mr. Shickadance: [comes from behind Ace] Ventura.
Ace Ventura: Yes Satan.
[turns around and sees Mr. Shickadance]
Ace Ventura: Ohh, I thought you were someone else.

Appropriate context: When you are secure in your masculinity (not appropriate for female use).
Lois Einhorn: What would you know about pressure.
Ace Ventura: Well, I have kissed a man.

Appropriate context: When somebody is waiting for you.
Ace Ventura: If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer.

There’s Something About Mary:

Appropriate context: When Brett Favre is mentioned.
Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Appropriate context: When you screw up.
Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?
Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Appropriate context: This is a difficult one to slip into a conversation naturally. The final “step into my office” part is useful when you’re humiliating somebody.
Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

Appropriate context: Whenever the male reproductive organs are being discussed.
Mary's Step-Father: Oh man! How'd you get the beans above the frank?

Half Baked:

Appropriate context: Whenever the male reproductive organs are being discussed.
Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!

Appropriate context: Whenever drug use is being discussed.
Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!

Nacho Libre:

Appropriate context: Whenever you want to squeeze your butt cheeks and look good.
Nacho: These are my recreation clothes.

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby:

Appropriate context: When you’re thankful.
Ricky Bobby: I wanna thank little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.

Appropriate context: When praying (Christians only).
Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet.

Cool Runnings:
Appropriate context: When you want to show others that you’re cool because you’ve seen Cool Runnings.
Sanka Coffie: Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up, its bobsled time! COOL RUNNINGS!

Office Space:

Appropriate context: When discussing bleak job prospects.
Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doin' this when we're 50?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.

Appropriate context: Anytime.
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.

Appropriate context: When discussing prison. A favorite topic of mine.
Rob Newhouse: Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?

Whew, that’s my list. I know I missed a lot of good ones so please share them in the comments section. Remember, these are comedy movie quotes that you use or somebody you know uses.

After a couple of days I'll pick some of the best quote submissions and we'll hold a vote for the Greatest Comedy Movie Quote Ever. If that doesn't get you excited then you, my friend, are not very excitable.