Television Spotlight: Fat March

Fat March is a new reality type show that challenges twelve overweight men and women to walk a 570 mile journey with the All American goals of losing weight and winning money. These may sound like the kind of accomplishments every red blooded American should aspire to, but there’s a catch (there’s always a catch): You must become a communist. Ok, not really, but contestants share equal portions of the final purse and actually win more money for every contestant that completes the journey. Adam Smith is rolling over in his bling encrusted grave.

For a while, Fat March fooled me into thinking it was a genuinely well-meaning show. After all, the prize money gets shared evenly and the challenges stressed teamwork over non-teamwork. Also, the trainers were perky and seemed to actually want their charges to succeed; when one former female rapper (still female, but no longer rapping) upped and quit, one of the trainers told her to her face that she was making a big mistake but that he respected her decision and couldn’t help somebody who didn’t want to put out the effort.

"You look tired. Go ahead and rest your breasts in my cupped hand."

But then Fat March revealed the vote off. I’m not clear on the exact procedure, but if enough contestants felt that somebody was holding them back from completing the journey, that contestant could be voted off. It’s important to note that nobody had to be voted off. It was simply an option if contestants wanted to be dicks or greedy bastards (ie:dicks). And despite the lovey dovey camaraderie that was almost sickening to watch through the hour long episode, the contestants actually did vote one of their own off the show and out of any prize money. And it wasn’t a wannabe diva or an annoying wannabe comedian (also on the show) or even the 400 pound dude who had to be ambulanced to the emergency room for breathing problems. It was a new father and a really nice guy who happened to have a sore foot. Oh yeah, and he was also a freakin' preacher.

How the hell do you vote off a preacher in a contest where nobody has to be voted off? I'm simply at a loss for words. I honestly have no choice now but to believe that everyone on that show is going to suffer for an eternity while burning in hellfire and listening to Michael McDonald.

I know what you’re thinking. “Matt, if you were on that show and you felt that your dear old grandma was slowing you down even a second, you’d vote her off so fast she’d crap her Depends."

Well maybe I would. But at least she’s not a preacher.