Celebrity Birthdays Friday, August 31

First, go vote for your favorite Comedy Movie Quote if you haven't yet (this is the link).

Now read my post.

(As long as I'm giving orders, you also have my permission to disrobe if you are a lady. If you are a guy, I'm assuming you are already naked. I don't know why this is the case.)

Celebrities have birthdays just like you and me although their parties are a little bit cooler than drunken karaoke or drunken twister or drunken monopoly(so hard!). While us commonfolk will never attend the stars’ birthday bashes, we can at least secretly delight in the knowledge that the beautiful people are one year older and uglier - with the exception of ageless wonders Nicole Kidman, Mary Louise Parker, Diane Lane, and that red head from Desperate Housewives (rawr). Teri Hatcher used to be on that list until she decided to go on Extreme Makeover: Glamour Coke Whore edition.

Her dead eye makes me cold inside

Now for the roll call of celebrity birthdays on Friday, August 31, 2007.

Richard Gere – I’ve mentioned in the past how much I’ve admired Mr. Gere for his roles in Primal Fear and American Gigolo, but you’ve still got to hand it to him. This is a guy who churns out quality performances year after year. I’m also looking forward to a project he’s attached to called Hachiko, which is based on an incredible true story about a professor and his loyal dog. I’m not sure where the movie will be set, but the actual events took place in Tokyo, Japan where I actually got to rub my sweaty hands over Hatchiko’s (the dog's) statue.

Zack Ward – Mostly I remember Zack Ward as the goofball brother in the short lived comedy series Titus. Perhaps his greatest movie moment, however, was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Specifically I’m talking about the scene in which he guns down a mutant dog, introduces himself in quite the bad ass manner, and then promptly gets killed by more mutant dogs. I’m pretty certain he was also the bully in A Christmas Story.

I couldn't find a picture of the mutant dog scene so I recreated it with my l33t photoshopping skillz. The red squiggly marks are blood.

Chris Tucker – Some people hate Chris Tucker but I’m mostly ambivalent about his film career, except for his role as Smokey in Friday – that role was special. By the way, did anyone see Rush Hour 3? I thought it was equally ridiculous and bland, but did you notice how Chris Tucker’s head has ballooned to Barry Bonds-like proportions? That cannot be healthy.

Deborah Gibson – I don’t know who she is but she has a sultry IMDB photo.

Buddy Hackett – I didn't know who he was either but apparently he used to be a famous comedian. I only know him as a reference in Tommy Boy.

“Hey Richard, maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh, what's his name? Buddy Wackett?"

That was a masturbation joke in case you haven't seen the movie. I'm not sure what it is about masturbatory humor that always gets me off excited ejaculated laughing.

What do you guys think of the birthday boys (and girl)?

Primal Fear is best described by adjectives

A lot of words get thrown around in movie reviews that I generally don’t agree with. Words like “thrilling,” “taut,” and “great ass.” Few movies can live up to such lofty descriptions but Primal Fear is one of them.

Primal Fear is indeed a taut, thrilling courtroom drama filled with sweet lines and a great ass. Richard Gere supplies said ass as hotshot defense attorney Martin Vail – a man who has made a career out of massaging the law for his mafia and thug ridden clientele.

Few men command as much attention from women and gerbils as Dick Gere

Nobody is surprised when Vail talks his way into defending the number one suspect (played by Eddie Norton) in the brutal slaying of a popular local bishop. But while Marty Vail thinks he’s riding a bullet train to Publicity Town, he’s completely unaware of the planned detour in What-the-hell-is-going-on-here-Ville. That's right, this slick plot is filled with scandalous twists and mephitic turns, but it’s the acting that really drives this film.

Ed Norton contemplates the horror of his Italian Job 'stache

Gere is shrewd, arrogant, and impossible not to love. He’s the kind of guy who can stay out all night chatting up women in bars and messing around with his gerbils and then kick ass in court the next morning. But before you get too excited, I should probably note that the gerbils only have a minor role in this particular film.

Laura Linney also stars as Martin Vail's lawyer ex-girlfriend. In a move that shouldn't surprise anyone, she gets assigned as Gere’s opposing prosecution/love interest. Linney brings a certain intelligent foxiness that makes her more than adequate in both roles though I still liked her more in Congo (Just kidding. Ugh. Excuse me while I dry heave on my cheese nips).

I saw Congo once. And now I'm probably sterile

Linney is good and Gere is better but there’s no doubt that Edward Norton is the true star of the film. “How good is he?” you may ask. He’s so good that it’s impossible not to be caught up in his performance. This is the role that shot Norton into the limelight and for good reason. I could describe his performance in greater detail but I won’t - so you’ll just have to see it for yourself.

Primal Fear is a little dated with its stuffy wardrobe and lack of cool gadgets (case in point: they use VHS) but that serves to keep it true to its Film Noir roots. Every once in a while you’ll hear some trumpet belting out a sad tune and you’ll think “oh yeah, I’m feeling me some Film Noir up in here.” And the dialogue is just crisp enough to keep that hard-boiled feeling going strong from beginning to end.

Primal Fear is a smart, well-crafted movie that is captivating right up until the very last scene. It may not be the deepest movie, but it’s definitely got a thrilling, taut ass. I suggest you stare at it intently and be prepared to drool a little.