8.06.2007

American Gigolo needs a new gigolo

American Gigolo was on TV the other night and I couldn’t resist a peek. Two hours later and I was still caught up in gigolo-mania. Yes, the plot was ho-hum and the wardrobe stolen from Cousin Eddie (National Lampoon’s Vacation, anyone?) but Richard Gere oozed enough charm and sex appeal to give even Brad Pitt nightmares. (Plus I like the word gigolo. Gigolo. Giiigolo. Gigooooolo. I could say that all day.)

But as entertaining as American Gigolo was, I still couldn’t completely get into it. My main beef was with Richard Gere’s gigolo arch-nemesis played by Bill Duke. Now Bill Duke is a pretty good actor and an even better villain with his dead fish eyes and infuriating grin. But Bill Duke is no gigolo. You have to be at least moderately sexy and Bill Duke is not a sexy man. He’s a creepy man.

I would not pay money for this man to make sweet love to me

Assuming I can pick any actor from any time in their career, here are my replacement choices to play Richard Gere’s bi-sexual gigolo arch-nemesis.

Kevin Spacey
American Beauty proved that Kevin can play an ambiguously oriented man and he was downright heinous in Se7ven. He might not be a real looker, but his pouty lips are underrated. Kevin Spacey would definitely be my first choice to be public gigolo enemy #1.

Daniel Craig – I know Daniel Craig is making a name for himself as the new face of James Bond, but don’t forget what an arrogant bastard 007 is. Now imagine him framing you for a murder you didn’t commit and then rubbing your face in it. Seems like a pretty good villain setup to me and you know he’s got the physical tools to be a real ladies’ man.

Now that is a gigolo

Jay Mohr – Going back to Jerry Maguire, Jay Mohr can be a Grade A A-Hole. He’s also got the blonde pretty boy looks to be a legitimate gigolo candidate. With Mohr in the role I’d expect him to be a slightly comedic, befuddled gigolo that reveals himself to be a conniving mastermind near the end of the movie.

Barry Bonds – I was trying to think of a sexy black actor that could be universally reviled and I immediately thought of Mr. Bonds. He may not technically be an actor (except for Rookie of the Year, and Nash Bridges?!?) but his ability to avoid arrest has got to count for something. And I may not be an excellent judge of man-flesh but Barry is still a darn sight sweeter than Bill Duke.

Have any more actors to add to the list?

70 comments:

Sarah said...

Patrick Dempsey - anyone see Loverboy? (1989)

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Sadie said...

Rookie of the Year is such a good movie. Funky Buttlovin'!

Anyway. Sexy black actor AND hate-able? Is Taye Diggs hate-able? Cause he damn sexy. Or Henry Simmons. Or Jesse L. Martin. All sexy, and I could dig deep down in my soul and find a way to hate them.

Matt said...

sarah - Dempsey is definitely gigolo material. And I can't say I've had the pleasure of seeing Loverboy, but I am intrigued by a lover pizza boy who is accidentally propositioned to give "extra anchovies" to his hottie mother.

bobby - hi again. Did I win yet?

sadie - I wanted to break my arm after watching Rookie of the Year. I don't know most of the guys you mentioned, but I have to say that Tay Diggs is not hate-able. He's like a handsome version of Seal.

Sarah said...

Matt - you have to see Loverboy! And if you haven't seen Can't buy me love, then you need to add that to the list too. Love me some Dempsey!

Sadie said...

Jesse L. Martin is on Law & Order and was in RENT. Henry Simmons is HOTT and was on NYPD Blue and now on Shark.

None of them are really hateable. Just very very very sex-ay.

Matt said...

sadie - Imma going to make you friend as soon the site stops their maintenance. And as long as we're revealing our true identities I can finally admit to my true name: Engelbert Humperdinck.

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