Reports of my death...

Contrary to what you may have heard, I am either dead nor have I been secretly recruited by the FBI as an undercover agent, codename: Littlenips, in a clandestine operation in conjunction with Smokey the Bear to prevent forest fires.

Smokey doesn't like forest fires - or your face

Actually, I've been doing a lot of reading while simultaneously exploring the wonderful world of suppositories. Suffice it to say, I've been doing a good deal of bathroom reading and in the process I've climbed onto the Christopher Moore bandwagon, one chaffed butt cheek at a time.

I'm nearly fully healed now and back in the theaters so expect some upcoming reviews and tidbits about Pan's Labyrinth (good), Ghost Rider (okay), and hopefully Reno 911!:Miami after tonight.

What doesn't kill you only makes you remember those times your nuts were grabbed

Ever since I started working again, I've had a little less time for movies and more time for another much less satisfying event: death. Ok, I'm exaggerating, but when I perch myself atop our bookstore's rickety wooden ladder, my feet struggling to find purchase like a free climbing monkey, random questions and events actually do flash before my eyes. Here are some of the more interesting ones.

Nice balls

-Back in 10th grade, I was leaving school when some random dude ran up to me, grabbed my junk with his right hand and then began to roll them around like chinese exercise balls. It hurt a lot and I was too shocked to reteliate beyond a fierce whimper. Immediately afterwards, the guy looked sincerely apologetic for applying the kung-fu grip to my balls and said, "I'm sorry man. If you want, you can do it to me too." I croaked out a negative and never saw him again. I wonder how he's doing these days.

-In Anaconda, what kind of accent was Jon Voight trying to do? And in a somewhat related note, if Futurama were ever made into a movie, I think a young Jon Voight would make a superb Zapp Brannigan.

I am one helluva stud

-Occasionally when I hack up a loogie, I get an eyelash in there. I recently learned that these aren't eye lashes after all. Why did I ever have to learn the truth?

-How do they keep making Species movies?

-Remember in The Shining when Jack Nicholson (or was it the wife?) runs up the stairs and sees the dude in the bear suit "performing" on the other dude? That was the creepiest thing ever.

That'll be $1000. Biatch.

-You know how tons of people get hired in movies because they're really overweight or unattractive. How does a casting director tell an actor that they've just won the role for "Fat ugly broad #4?" And when the actress is finally in her one scene, does the director say, "Now stand over here and just let your belly hang out. Let your gut explore the space, I really want to see some expressive jiggling."

-Did Keyser Soze have previous practice urinating on a moving target? I'd like to think that I could extinguish a trail of gunpowder with my own modest urine, but writing my name in the toilet can't possibly be adequate preparation.