Christmas is here again and brings with it a slew of holiday traditions: eggnog, mistletoe, and alchohol drenched fornication with big boned women.

That's right, I'm talking about Bad Santa.

It's true that Billy Bob Thornton looks like a drunken wreck of a man who lies, cheats, steals and beats up little boys, but that's only part of his charm. Deep down he really is a drunken liar, cheater, and beater upper of small children, but it's funny as hell and a trip to watch. Billy Bob was born to play this role and the way his character "grows" up adroitly avoids the sentimental cop-outs that so many flicks employ and manages to stay slick and disgustingly funny all the way to the nut-busting end.

Bad Santa is a new christmas tradition that's so bad it's good.
Full on John material (4 out of 4 stars.)



Our newest winnah of Name That Movie! is Sadie of Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady.

Sadie displayed her cinema acumen by successfully identifying the 90s flick, Hackers, from this picture.

Hackers didn't make a huge splash at the box office, but it's sprited brand of "cyber" fun was hard to ignore. It also didn't hurt that a little known actress named Angelina Jolie starred. Apparently Angie and her co-star, Johnny Lee Miller, were married soon after Hackers concluded filming, only to divorce four years later. As we all know now, it was all downhill for Johnny boy, while Miss Big Lips was destined for greater things (ie: Brad Pitt).

Congratulations once again to Sadie!

The Spoon
would also like to wish everyone a
Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah!
May you receive many presents and good times.


Name That Movie!

Your favorite contest is back!

The Rules: I'll present a picture from a completely random (read: carefully selected) movie and it's your job, nay, your duty, to name that movie in the comment section.

-You may guess as many times as you want.
-Wrong answers are not penalized, but may be mocked.
-The previous winner is not eligible to win the next entry (this means you SQT)

The Prize: Bragging rights and your name and blog emblazoned here in bright pink letters. Don't act like you're not panting for this sweet, sweet prize.

The picture:The hint: Computers are cool.


Eragon is destined to make you regret spending 8 bucks to go see it

I immediately had my doubts when I learned that fantasy blockbuster Eragon was based on a book written by a home-schooled individual.

I’m not a cruel person, but I tend to look down upon home schooled peoples or “homies,” if you will. They often have pigment deficiencies, thereby making their skin a reflective surface that is too bright to look at directly, and their lack of real-world experience frequently leads to small talk about model airplanes and the relative merits of soy-based products. These side effects of home schooling - albinism and a nunnish lifestyle – are also the main culprits for Eragon’s trite and tired presentation.

Talking about soy products is just one activity more interesting than watching Eragon

Eragon is based on the popular and same-titled book by author Christopher Paolini. Apparently, “Chris” wrote Eragon at the jailbait age of 17 right after finishing his home school “education,” as he and his parents felt he wasn’t quite old enough to go to college. After watching Eragon, I’d have to add that he probably wasn’t old enough to write his own book either.

To be honest, I haven’t read Eragon and I have no doubt that it’s more complex and imaginative than its cinematic counterpart; it’s simply not possible for the book to be more banal than this flick. Eragon plays like an ugly, bastardized conglomeration of Star Wars, Tolkien, and Anne McCaffrey and while those are all excellent sources of inspiration, the end result is less than inspired.

Let’s see a synopsis: A young orphan boy (Star Wars) is destined to be a dragon rider (McCaffrey), and defeat the evil king (every fantasy story ever told). Instead of filling in the blanks with unique characters and compelling scenarios, Eragon chooses to take absolutely no story telling risks and becomes a fantasy adventure movie with no sense of adventure.

To give you a nip of Eragon’s bland offering, I offer a paraphrased explanation for why the young hero (Edward Speleers, whose accent is his best feature) has been chosen to be a dragon rider and deliver the smack down on the evil king (John Malkovich in a role too brief to be awful).
“Eragon, it’s your destiny to be a dragon rider and save the kingdom!”
“But why was I, a simpleton farmer, chosen to save the kingdom?”
“Because it is your duty as a dragon rider. Obviously.”
“But why was I picked to be a dragon rider? I don’t even like animals.”
“Because it’s your destiny, idiot.”
The atrocious dialogue and paper thin characters might’ve been more palatable with some excellent special effects, but for the most part, the SFX are as bland as the plot. With the lone exception of the dragon’s hatching scene, much of the visuals are eerily similar to Dragonheart, which came out nearly ten years ago. And in many cases, travel scenes look like left over stock footage from Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The soundtrack is no better with its loud, brassy, and overly simplistic score.

Now Dragonheart was cool. You can't beat Sean Connery as a reptilian con-artist.

Eragon is clearly the result of an impassioned writer retelling his favorite stories. Unfortunately, without a deeper understanding of what made those stories classics, not to mention the social skills of a five-year old, Chris Paolini could never have given Eragon the wings to get off the ground. In other words, this “homie” was destined for failure.

Eragon doesn’t take any risks and I’d advise you to do the same: don’t see this movie. It might be good enough to fool the kiddies, but adults won’t have that satisfaction. Eragon is just barely out of Ringo territory (1 star out of 4).


Leeeeroooooy Jenkins!

I've always hesitated to admit that I play WoW (World of Warcaft) for fear of being labeled as "nerdish" or a "gaming stallion." However, I figure I waved bye-bye to my last shred of respect a while ago so my image can't be damaged any more by admitting my love for this WoW video clip.

WoW is a MMORPG (that's nerdspeak), which basically means that it's a computer game with thousands of little figures running around hitting things and flirting with each other, and for each little figure there is one pasty human being hunched over a computer screen noisily slurping a soda and resisting the urge to urinate for as long as possible.

In the following video, a group of said pasty people are coordinating a group attack. Listen to their intricate planning and revel in their dedication and ingenuity. Then observe how the very brave and very stupid Leroy Jenkins takes control.


The Blob ate my post
Please give a gentle pat on the rump to our newest Name That Movie! Winner:
SQT from The Fantasy & Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog!

Quick-witted and fast with a mouse, SQT came up with The Blob as the correct answer to the previous contest (scroll down for the contest pic). A 1958 sci-fi "classic" with the tag line, "Indescribable... Indestructible! Nothing Can Stop It!" The Blob also holds the distinction of being the last film in which Steve McQueen was billed as "Steven McQueen." Given a choice between taking $2,500 or 10% of the movie's profits, "Steven" took the cash and eventually lost out on a larger paycheck when the film grossed over 4 million dollars (Check out the IMDB trivia page for more nuggets of useless wisdom).

Name That Movie! Addendum

Like a finely-tuned Pinto, the Name That Movie! contest is currently undergoing some maintenance work. For example, one new rule will prevent contest winners from winning two times in a row. As the wise and degenerate Billy Bob said in Bad Santa, "They can't all be winners," but we'll sure as heck give everyone a fair shot here at The Spoon.

An unfortunate non-winner in the previous contest, Squish asks,"When does this contest go up?" Well Squish, I'd say these contests will go up about as irregularly as my bowel movements. But I also believe that the random nature of the entries will level the playing field for all four interested parties that weren't scared off by my bowel reference.


And the Winner is...

In my previous post I began a movie-naming contest. And the first winner, Ian, chastised me for using such an awful movie as Battlefield Earth for my first contest entry and I'm inclined to agree; watching it should be reserved for farm animal rapists and NFL referees. But in my defense, my hint did describe Battlefield Earth as a bad, bad movie.

And since Ian spoiled everyone else's fun by winning the contest in a matter of hours, I'm going to immediately put up a second addition of...

Name That Movie!

The rules are the same as before: Be the first person to correctly identify the movie depicted below and post the movie title in the comment section. Respect and free advertisement for your blog will be awarded to the winner and I may even start a winner's circle for continued adulation.

The picture:

The Hint: B Movie all the way

Name that Movie!

You may be wondering about the new smell here at The Spoon. No, it's not a lingering fart - it's the fresh stink of a brand new contest!

I'll put up a picture of a movie. It's your job to guess the movie's title and be the first person to correctly post it in the comments section.

The winner will receive my undying admiration and absolutely no money whatsover. However, I will advertise your personal website for all my regular readers to see (ie: my stalkers [editors note: Matt still loves you guys]).

And now the picture:

And now the hint: This is a bad, bad movie.


Happy Feet makes beautiful music with songs you’ve already heard before

As I get older, I’m starting to grow more hair around the nipple region and my eyesight is degrading to the point where 10:15 looks an awful lot like 8:30. In other words, I missed my showing of Happy Feet on Sunday so this review comes a little later than it should’ve. Now that I have your sympathy and successfully directed your thoughts towards my nipple area (or nipular fun zone as I like to call it), let the Happy Feet review begin.

You probably think I’m a little kooky for wanting to see Happy Feet (not to mention the whole nipple stuff from the previous paragraph). Happy Feet is indeed aimed at a younger audience with its cookie cutter plot and child friendly show tunes, but its stunning visuals and musical performances make it more than your average feel good cartoon. It also doesn’t hurt that Happy Feet boasts the incredible vocal talents of Robin Williams under its wing.

The story is nothing new; little Mumble, aka Happy Feet, grows up different from the other penguins because of his eccentric tap dancing and atrocious singing voice. In a penguin society where status, and most importantly, mating rights, are dependent on a beautiful voice, Mumble seems destined for crazed hermit-penguin status.

In addition to tap dancing, Mumble is also an excellent designated driver

Eventually, Mumble is cast out from his penguin homeland for his strange ways and disturbing questions about the “aliens” who might be causing the fish scarcity (read: humans). Mumble then sets out to discovery the mystery behind the disappearing fish and in the process prove himself worthy to his family and friends. Occasional danger, hilarity, sadness, and triumph ensue.

Happy Feet is a movie that survives on its incredibly detailed animation and over the top musical performances. When Mumble struggles through a blizzard, you can see individual feathers rippling in the blustery, snow-laden wind. And when Mumble and his little Mexican penguin buddies (yes, you read that correctly) get chased by Killer Whales, each Orca tooth is large and threatening to the smallest detail. This is a beautiful movie. And it has a musical soundtrack to match it.

The musical talents of Nicole Kidman (good), Hugh Jackman (okay), Brittany Murphy (surprisingly good), and Robin Williams (crazy good) pack a powerful punch. Songs and dances are plentiful and well orchestrated and are sure to delight children and even adults. The infectious tunes of Stevie Wonder, Prince, and Earth, Wind, & Fire made even my tone-deaf body quiver with rhythm.

The voice acting is superb during the numerous musical performances and generally bland the rest of the time. Elijah Wood voices Mumble and while he’s appropriately eager, vulnerable, and determined, he’s also very vanilla. Except for Robin Williams' lines, most dialogue is eminently forgettable. Fortunately, Williams voices not one but two characters and manages to bring some spit and zing to otherwise blah-ridden conversations.

Besides the trite dialogue and storyline, I did have a major gripe with the 2nd half of the movie. The missing-fish plot felt tacked on and some of the later developments were nothing more than an ill-disguised deus ex machina. Children are likely to ignore these issues but they’re sure to trigger double takes from adults – “What the hell just happened?”

Yes, sir, even you may enjoy Happy Feet... and the occasional chest waxing

As long as you understand that the storyline and some suspicious plot developments are inconsequential, Happy Feet delivers a spectacular musical and cinematic performance that is worth you’re time. Children will doubtless get the most out of this film, but even hairy-nippled adults should enjoy Happy Feet.

Happy Feet gets a solid “Paul” rating. It doesn't break ground, but what it does well, namely visuals and songs, it does very well.