What doesn't kill you only makes you remember those times your nuts were grabbed
Ever since I started working again, I've had a little less time for movies and more time for another much less satisfying event: death. Ok, I'm exaggerating, but when I perch myself atop our bookstore's rickety wooden ladder, my feet struggling to find purchase like a free climbing monkey, random questions and events actually do flash before my eyes. Here are some of the more interesting ones.

Nice balls

-Back in 10th grade, I was leaving school when some random dude ran up to me, grabbed my junk with his right hand and then began to roll them around like chinese exercise balls. It hurt a lot and I was too shocked to reteliate beyond a fierce whimper. Immediately afterwards, the guy looked sincerely apologetic for applying the kung-fu grip to my balls and said, "I'm sorry man. If you want, you can do it to me too." I croaked out a negative and never saw him again. I wonder how he's doing these days.

-In Anaconda, what kind of accent was Jon Voight trying to do? And in a somewhat related note, if Futurama were ever made into a movie, I think a young Jon Voight would make a superb Zapp Brannigan.

-Occasionally when I hack up a loogie, I get an eyelash in there. I recently learned that these aren't eye lashes after all. Why did I ever have to learn the truth?

-How do they keep making Species movies?

-Remember in The Shining when Jack Nicholson (or was it the wife?) runs up the stairs and sees the dude in the bear suit "performing" on the other dude? That was the creepiest thing ever.

That'll be $1000. Biatch.

-You know how tons of people get hired in movies because they're really overweight or unattractive. How does a casting director tell an actor that they've just won the role for "Fat ugly broad #4?" And when the actress is finally in her one scene, does the director say, "Now stand over here and just let your belly hang out. Let your gut explore the space, I really want to see some expressive jiggling."

-Did Keyser Soze have previous practice urinating on a moving target? I'd like to think that I could extinguish a trail of gunpowder with my own modest urine, but writing my name in the toilet can't possibly be adequate preparation.


Squish said...

Hired for being overweight and unattractive... I've thought of that one in the past, and I've come to realize that being fat and ugly or gitchy-google-eyed, is a look, and having a look is what makes you unique as an actor. It's an important part. You could have been "Cop #2", but you just had a better body-type for "gross neighbor". When you prove your talent as an actor enough to get a part, I think the guy playing "Cop #2" is probably jealous of "gross neighbor" cause he got three lines. Such is life. Work is work

Sadie said...

I laughed out loud reading your post. I've missed you!

I have to wonder about the ball-grabbing guy. What was that about? Hazing of some sort? Or just a weirdo?d

Orhan Kahn said...

Lol, the things that fly-by the mind when death is near.

Oddly enough I was just thinking about Midnight Cowboy thing morning for some bizarre reason. I haven't even seen the film.

msquared said...

I've thought of that overweight thing too. How does an actor cope with the fact that they just got hired for a part becasue they were fat

Minty said...

Your blog is great--sorry about the junk-grabbing incident. That sounds painful...

I'll stop by again.

--Minty in Chicago

Matt said...

squish - So true. I remember hearing a line that happiness is being richer than your friend's cousin's brother-in-law.

sadie - Don't worry, I'm back and I'll do my darndest to keep things on schedule again. For some odd reason I took a bit of a break watching movies and I felt like I didn't have anything to say. well, I'm back in the theaters and so I've got a bit of a mouthful now.

orhan - I haven't seen Midnight Cowboy either, but I've seen so many references I feel like I have.

msquared - Eat? Okay, that's mean, but I remember hearing that Jack Black tries not to lose weight because heavier comics look funnier. Plus, eating is fun.

minty - thanks. My junk appreciates your concern.

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