Love never grows Old, just more wrinkly and creepy

I witnessed a very disturbing sight today. Standing in line at my place of work was a young girl freshly ushered into the sweet, sweet charms of womanhood. Her flowering figure was tastefully sheathed in booty shorts and a tank top and I swear I could hear chimes when her thighs rubbed together. But to my horror she was being wooed right before my very eyes – by a wrinkled, ninety year old granddad. Except, maybe “wooed” isn’t so much the appropriate verb as “perved on.”

Clearly the young vixen was not yet of legal age, but Mr. Grandad Perv was pressing his suit like a wrinkled, clawed hand pushing against a door marked Pull. He was completely oblivious to the growing line, the waiting cashier, or his own oozing creepiness. The young woman politely pretended to listen to his questions about her age but only time will tell what kind of psychological problems she developed while under his visually impaired gaze.

Thankfully the girl escaped. Granddad Perv struck out, but some of these big screen satyrs have had greater success.

Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpier Old Men
Resident grumps Walter and Jack one up each other in order to bang that hot young tart Sophia Loren. Oh wait, she’s not that young? And her kisses are less tart and more baking soda? Well, they were still horny bastards.

Sophia Loren circa the Eisenhower administration

George Carlin in Scary Movie 3
Carlin’s role as the horny Architect in Scary Movie 3 was clearly beneath him, but if any silver tongued (and haired) older gentleman could separate a young girl from her chastity, it would be the Elder Hippy Dippy Weatherman. Able to strip down any common phrase into a nugget of comedic gold, Carlin would no doubt perform a similar service to any willing target if given the chance.

Nobody can resist a kilt

Sir Sean Connery in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Guilty of being the Sexiest Man Alive, Mr. Bond has a long history of seducing women. Of course, in The Last Crusade Connery was the one being pursued by all accounts. Elsa Schneider may have been searching for his grail diary, but we all know she found much more than that. This is one Grandad with a legitimate license to thrill young women everywhere (as confirmed in Entrapment).

Christopher Walken in every movie he's ever been in
Christopher Walken has been capable of playing the role Creepy Old Man #1 since the age of nine. Technically, I only remember him performing in a lecherous capacity as music producer Bobby in Wayne’s World 2. But look at Walken in any role and you can see a depraved soul just begging to be freed. Perhaps that’s what those Prophecy movies are all about.

Are there any other Grandad Pervs deserving of a shout out? Mention them in the comments section because I’d like to know (although I couldn’t explain why).

Congratulations!

The Spoon is happy to announce that Sadie from Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady is our Name That Movie Champion!

I'm very impressed with Sadie's resourcefulness as the contest picture was not only just a head shot, but not even an attractive head shot either. That's like an automatic two strikes against figuring out the answer. But Sadie perserved and deserves mad, wicked, sick props. Or something.

For those of you not in the know, The Hunt for Red October was the big budget movie based on political thriller writer Tom Clancy's first published novel. Here's how Red October met my previous hints:

Hint#1: Our hero (not shown), probably wishes he just wrote a memo.
Red October centers around the actions of CIA analyst turned super badass agent (kind of) Jack Ryan (played by some dude named Alec Baldwin - never heart of him). This movie (and book) marks Ryan's first of many apperances in the Clancy universe. It also follows him as he uncovers the secret motives of a Russian captain who may or may not wish to defect to America with a super bad ass submarine named Red October.

Hint#2: Brought the term "caterpillar" back into the water.
What makes the Red October so special is it's underwater propulsion system which is able to use state of the art technology, code named: caterpillar drives, (that don't actually exist) to run almost completely silent. This is a major bonus to submarines that want to kill stuff without being killed in return. It's also a big reason why the Russkies do not want the Americans to get access to its technology.

I will grow this flower to be a flawless symbol of our love. I will nurture it each day with fresh soil and water and sing Scottish love songs to make it strong and vibrant. When it is fully grown I will rip it from the ground and f*** it.

Hint#3: Features the most Scottish Russian ever.
Sean Connery is the captain of the sub, instantly raising the Red October's hotness rating by a factor of 10.

Eragon is destined to make you regret spending 8 bucks to go see it

I immediately had my doubts when I learned that fantasy blockbuster Eragon was based on a book written by a home-schooled individual.

I’m not a cruel person, but I tend to look down upon home schooled peoples or “homies,” if you will. They often have pigment deficiencies, thereby making their skin a reflective surface that is too bright to look at directly, and their lack of real-world experience frequently leads to small talk about model airplanes and the relative merits of soy-based products. These side effects of home schooling - albinism and a nunnish lifestyle – are also the main culprits for Eragon’s trite and tired presentation.

Talking about soy products is just one activity more interesting than watching Eragon

Eragon is based on the popular and same-titled book by author Christopher Paolini. Apparently, “Chris” wrote Eragon at the jailbait age of 17 right after finishing his home school “education,” as he and his parents felt he wasn’t quite old enough to go to college. After watching Eragon, I’d have to add that he probably wasn’t old enough to write his own book either.

To be honest, I haven’t read Eragon and I have no doubt that it’s more complex and imaginative than its cinematic counterpart; it’s simply not possible for the book to be more banal than this flick. Eragon plays like an ugly, bastardized conglomeration of Star Wars, Tolkien, and Anne McCaffrey and while those are all excellent sources of inspiration, the end result is less than inspired.

Let’s see a synopsis: A young orphan boy (Star Wars) is destined to be a dragon rider (McCaffrey), and defeat the evil king (every fantasy story ever told). Instead of filling in the blanks with unique characters and compelling scenarios, Eragon chooses to take absolutely no story telling risks and becomes a fantasy adventure movie with no sense of adventure.

To give you a nip of Eragon’s bland offering, I offer a paraphrased explanation for why the young hero (Edward Speleers, whose accent is his best feature) has been chosen to be a dragon rider and deliver the smack down on the evil king (John Malkovich in a role too brief to be awful).

“Eragon, it’s your destiny to be a dragon rider and save the kingdom!”
“But why was I, a simpleton farmer, chosen to save the kingdom?”
“Because it is your duty as a dragon rider. Obviously.”
“But why was I picked to be a dragon rider? I don’t even like animals.”
“Because it’s your destiny, idiot.”

The atrocious dialogue and paper thin characters might’ve been more palatable with some excellent special effects, but for the most part, the SFX are as bland as the plot. With the lone exception of the dragon’s hatching scene, much of the visuals are eerily similar to Dragonheart, which came out nearly ten years ago. And in many cases, travel scenes look like left over stock footage from Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The soundtrack is no better with its loud, brassy, and overly simplistic score.

Now Dragonheart was cool. You can't beat Sean Connery as a reptilian con-artist.

Eragon is clearly the result of an impassioned writer retelling his favorite stories. Unfortunately, without a deeper understanding of what made those stories classics, not to mention the social skills of a five-year old, Chris Paolini could never have given Eragon the wings to get off the ground. In other words, this “homie” was destined for failure.

Eragon doesn’t take any risks and I’d advise you to do the same: don’t see this movie. It might be good enough to fool the kiddies, but adults won’t have that satisfaction. Eragon is just barely out of Ringo territory (1 star out of 4).

James Bond rises again on well-muscled legs

When discussing the best Bond actors, the conversation begins and ends with Sean Connery. Of the now six actors to don the 007 mantle the Scotsman is most responsible for elevating the Bond franchise into a major box office draw, mostly accomplished through his combination of charisma, physicality, intelligence, and fluffy chest hair. With the release of Casino Royale, Sean Connery remains the final word in the best Bond debate, but Daniel Craig has at least earned a say in the discussion.

Daniel Craig is a new kind of Bond. His startlingly blue eyes, not to mention his Bowflex physique, expose a vitality and physical presence that surpasses even Sean Connery (though it’s slightly hampered by the frequent Derek Zoolander impersonation). Still, Craig’s vitality shines through a rough exterior that is sometimes lacking in the debonair luster of previous Bonds.

One early scene perfectly captures the new Bond’s effective yet unpolished manner. In the scene, Bond pursues a demolitions expert into a construction site. The man becomes cornered in a small room but adroitly flips through a small, elevated window. Bond ignores the window and instead runs straight through the newly constructed wall, splintering wood and plaster everywhere.

Pecs. Check. Biceps. Check. Six pack. Check. Fluffy Chest Hair...

Daniel Craig’s roughshod manner is actually quite appropriate for Casino Royale though many people won’t realize it.

Despite a few early references, the film largely glosses over the fact that Casino Royale marks the very first appearance of James Bond. Creator Ian Fleming wrote a number of stories about the British spy with Casino Royale as the first. Consequently, Bond has just been promoted as a “double-O” operative and it shows. His skills are already world class, but his judgment isn’t always perfect and a new emotional vulnerability peeks out from time to time. These flaws add a brand new dimension to the Bond franchise.

Perhaps for the first time, James Bond is a real character with meaningful weaknesses and imperfections. Even with Sean Connery, James Bond was never more than a dashing black tux; a tux that could kill men and seduce women with ease, but one incapable of indecision and reflection. In one scene from Casino Royale, Daniel Craig pauses to study his mirrored image after killing an assailant. The hinted vulnerability reveals the price for his constant composure. This serious side of James Bond hasn’t gotten much attention before and its appearance is just one of many changes in the 007 franchise.

The excessive camp and groan inducing puns of the Brosnan films have been thankfully discarded, but don’t worry too much because director Martin Campbell has infused Casino Royale with a much more intelligent and sharper sense of humor. Also new is an honest to goodness relationship between Daniel Craig and the latest “Bond girl,” Vesper Lynd (played by a reasonably deft Eva Green). Watching their relationship develop is one of the surprising joys of the film but their chemistry does occasionally falter. The action sequences also come off well, thanks in large part to Daniel Craig’s obvious athleticism.

Casino Royale isn’t without flaws. As charismatic as Daniel Craig is, he doesn’t quite have the confidence and assurance of a Pierce Brosnan (not to mention Sean Connery). In more than one scene James Bond does not look as composed as he should and not all of these momentary weaknesses seem part of the script. Playing along with the theme of a James Bond coming into his own, the music often teases at playing the famous Bond theme before finally giving in. But besides the catchy theme, most of the music is generic and forgettable. Action scenes in particular receive poor musical accompaniment. And despite the film’s emphasis on character development, the bad guys are both banal and bland.

Ironically, Casino Royale’s plot is completely insignificant despite being penned by creator Ian Fleming. The key to the film and the franchise has always been James Bond and everything else, plot included, has always been secondary.

Daniel Craig is mostly successful as the newest incarnation of the Suited One. His physical demeanor is tastefully offset by a dry wit and a lighter arrogance than previous Bonds. Casino Royale is smart and stylish enough that fans will still hang around for this grittier and more realistic (in a way) 007. And now when discussing the best Bond actors, Daniel Craig deserves a word in the conversation, even if he is short on fluffy chest hair.

With my new rating system, Casino Royale gets a "Paul." Better than a George and Ringo but not quite good enough for a John.