You've got to be sh*tting me
I usually don't write about my personal life because it's not all that interesting even to me, but yesterday something happened that almost defies description and will almost surely destroy any shred of respect you may have had for me.

Before you hear my tragic tale, a couple personal notes must be addressed.

1) I'm lactose sensitive. I'm not completely lactose intolerant, but whenever I drink milk or eat ice cream I'm playing Russian Roulette with my sphincter.

2) I sneeze very hard. On several occasions my sneeze has been mistaken for a cough and El Nino. It's really strong.

Okay, now we’re ready.

My sad tale begins like any other day. I woke up, took a shower and proceeded to dry myself off very thoroughly. I then put on my pants one leg at a time. Next I played videogames for one hour (yes, I am currently unemployed) and then decided to meet my parents for lunch.

At noon, we sat down at a restaurant together and ordered food. I ordered a fish sandwich while my mom ordered some ice cream. I ate my sandwich and also some of the ice cream. This would prove to be a very, very big mistake.

After lunch we went to the mall, my dad taking a nap in the car while my mom and I walked into Macy’s.

We chatted amiably, completely unaware of the bombshell about to descend upon us.

I opened my mouth to make a witty remark (of course), but halfway through it turned into a sneeze. However, without my conscious approval, my sphincter had been playing Russian Roulette and lost - at the exact same moment as my sneeze.

You can probably guess what happened next.

I pooted on myself.

I deftly alerted my mother through a complex series of hoots, grunts, and a brief, “I pooted on myself.” God bless her soul, she immediately ran to buy me fresh underthingies.

I then proceeded to get lost – twice – on my way to the bathroom, all the while walking like an extra from Thriller.

Use your imagination

Armed with a fresh set of undies, I planted myself in a bathroom stall and set to work on cleaning myself up. I got in a few good wipes when a very large and very loud man walked in. The stall I was in had cracks the size of Nebraska so I froze like a frightened deer and prayed that he couldn’t see or smell me. My naked legs quivered a little, but I patiently waited as my new bathroom mate urinated and continuously muttered, “oh god, oh god, oh god.”

About ten minutes later he stopped urinating and left me alone to wipe away my pooty stains and shame.

Later that evening, my mom told me to put my new underwear away in my room (salvation had come in a three pack). I replied that I didn’t ever want to see them again because of the shameful manner in which they had entered my life.

My mom turned to me and said, “ You shouldn’t say that about your new underwear, they saved your butt.” And then she laughed at me.


Sadie said...



That? Hilarious. Love it. That made me seriously laugh out loud.

R2K said...

Lol that is sick.

Sort a Shart.

ian said...

We love our moms, yes we do. They save us from our poo.


Jessie said...

Hey you are the bestest blog of the day! But I knew that because I picked you!!!! Your blog rocks!

Matt said...

Sadie - My only wish is that my lack of body control lead to other people's happiness. I'm generous that way.

r2k - I completely agree. Sick. Sick. Sick.

Ian - My mom was quite the trooper throughout the entire sordid affair. I could've done without the laughing at me part though.

Jessie - Woooohooooo!

Jeff Roberts said...

And I thought some of the things *I* blog about were TMI.

Sebastien said...

Hahahaha! 'Great' story, I mean, not so great for you, but you got guts spilling the beans on something like that! Good job!

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Matt said...

Jeff - You were wrong!

Sebastien - Thanks, I'm always on the lookout for new ways to humiliate myself.

Blanjo - No comment.

Orhan Kahn said...


Emma said...


This is Emma here from the site that used to be mysticdollarredemption.blogspot.com. As you may have realised from trying to access it in the last 14 hours, the URL no longer takes you to my blog, but to some other new link, adore kim, whatever the Hell that is, and I promise you, I have nothing to do with that.
I have no idea how this happened. I went hope last night, tried to access my blog, and realised that someone had changed the URL. So I went into my blogger account (surprisingly, the person who changed my account did not change any other settings apart from deleting my entire profile), and the URL had been changed to onomatopoeiaoyster.blogspot.com. So all my blog entries have moved to this new addy.
I’m very surprised that whoever did this merely changed my URL and didn’t do more. Quite nice for a hacker, some might say. Uh. Not me. Anyway, I’m now extremely tired, furious and annoyed, and have changed it to the simplest URL that I can: zummer.blogspot.com. I would be very grateful if you’d update all your links from your blog and favourites with this new URL, because it’s mine.
As I said, I’m extremely irritated and I would deeply appreciate your co-operation. Also delete this mysticdollarredemption link now because I have nothing to do with the contents with that blog. I’m like, really pissed off.

Thanks, Emma.

Matt said...

Wow, sorry to hear that Emma. I actually did notice but I couldn't figure out what had happened. I'm changing my links now and I hope everything goes well for you.

Morgen said...

Well, well, well.
I've heard of sharts before but never sheezes.
Amusing story.
Unfortunately, I can say been there, done that.
One of life's most embarrassing moments, and how sad that I can relate?
Thanks for the comment at
It’s A Blog Eat Blog World
I'll be back
(and that's more of a promise, really, than a threat...)

Anonymous said...