You've got to be sh*tting me

I usually don't write about my personal life because it's not all that interesting even to me, but yesterday something happened that almost defies description and will almost surely destroy any shred of respect you may have had for me.

Before you hear my tragic tale, a couple personal notes must be addressed.

1) I'm lactose sensitive. I'm not completely lactose intolerant, but whenever I drink milk or eat ice cream I'm playing Russian Roulette with my sphincter.

2) I sneeze very hard. On several occasions my sneeze has been mistaken for a cough and El Nino. It's really strong.

Okay, now we’re ready.

My sad tale begins like any other day. I woke up, took a shower and proceeded to dry myself off very thoroughly. I then put on my pants one leg at a time. Next I played videogames for one hour (yes, I am currently unemployed) and then decided to meet my parents for lunch.

At noon, we sat down at a restaurant together and ordered food. I ordered a fish sandwich while my mom ordered some ice cream. I ate my sandwich and also some of the ice cream. This would prove to be a very, very big mistake.

After lunch we went to the mall, my dad taking a nap in the car while my mom and I walked into Macy’s.

We chatted amiably, completely unaware of the bombshell about to descend upon us.

I opened my mouth to make a witty remark (of course), but halfway through it turned into a sneeze. However, without my conscious approval, my sphincter had been playing Russian Roulette and lost - at the exact same moment as my sneeze.

You can probably guess what happened next.

I pooted on myself.

I deftly alerted my mother through a complex series of hoots, grunts, and a brief, “I pooted on myself.” God bless her soul, she immediately ran to buy me fresh underthingies.

I then proceeded to get lost – twice – on my way to the bathroom, all the while walking like an extra from Thriller.

Use your imagination

Armed with a fresh set of undies, I planted myself in a bathroom stall and set to work on cleaning myself up. I got in a few good wipes when a very large and very loud man walked in. The stall I was in had cracks the size of Nebraska so I froze like a frightened deer and prayed that he couldn’t see or smell me. My naked legs quivered a little, but I patiently waited as my new bathroom mate urinated and continuously muttered, “oh god, oh god, oh god.”

About ten minutes later he stopped urinating and left me alone to wipe away my pooty stains and shame.

Later that evening, my mom told me to put my new underwear away in my room (salvation had come in a three pack). I replied that I didn’t ever want to see them again because of the shameful manner in which they had entered my life.

My mom turned to me and said, “ You shouldn’t say that about your new underwear, they saved your butt.” And then she laughed at me.

Casting Call to fulfill your Greatest Fantasy!

(assuming your greatest fantasy is playing Fantasy Basketball with me)

Have you ever watched an NBA game and thought, “Boy, I wish those players were my personal sex slaves?” If your answer is “yes” (or “no”) then you can run your very own fantasy basketball team… as long as you meet the following requirements:

1. No fear of the internet
2. Survived viewing of Chairman of the Board
3. Able and willing to read
4. Can drink gallon of milk in less than an hour

The training is intense...


But the rewards are worth it

Here’s the deal: A few friends and myself started a basketball league and we now find ourselves several managers short of a full league. If you’re at all interested in participating in sex slavery fantasy basketball please leave me a comment with your email address or email me directly at hawaiimatthew@hotmail.com (or use the mailing button to the right of the page ->).

If you DO want to participate but are afraid to because you’re unknowledgeable about the NBA, suffer from halitosis, or have excessive back hair then I’ve got a proposition:

I will share my Yoda-like experience and wisdom with you through this blog and train you like the late Mr. Miyagi.

Perhaps our journey of growth and learning will lead to a movie deal in which I will be played by George Clooney and you can be played by that chick from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

Let’s go make that fantasy come true.

Lock the doors and turn on the lights cause it’s gettin' all creepy up in here

5 Creepy Movie Moments

As I lay in bed last night waiting for sweet, sweet slumber to overtake me, rotting zombies burst into my room to tear off my tender and juicy flesh. Fortunately, my quick reflexes shot me out of bed and in front of the light switch just in time to realize that I was crazy and hallucinating.

I wish I could say this was a one-time event, but my bad dreams and hallucinations are happening more and more frequently. And it’s all part of a vicious cycle because once awake, my crazy little brain can’t stop thinking about other creepy visions. The only way I was able to sleep last night was by rubbing my Buddha and Steve Young statues for reassurance and playing video games until I passed out. But today I’m going to exorcise my demons by listing some of the creepiest moments in movies (and no, I can't explain why this helps). As in life, creepiness is most potent when it’s not expected, so I’m choosing moments that aren’t from true horror films (like The Exorcist or The Shining).

If you’re a fraidy cat like me I don’t suggest reading this list in the dark, but if you do want to get freaked out, I recommend watching these movies locked in a dark room with a convicted mental patient/murderer.

Mulholland Dr.

Like many David Lynch flicks, this whole movie reeks of the “creepy.” I’m still not certain if I understand what actually happens, but Mulholland Dr. is chock full of moments that paralyzed my body with dread, anxiousness, and :-0. In fact, I can’t settle on a single moment from this movie so I’m picking two scenes that weird-ed me out. The first creepy scene is when the waitress (played by Naomi Watts) investigates the alley behind her restaurant. It sounds innocent enough, but it’s not. The music, timing, and acting make it scary as hell and fearsome beyond my descriptive abilities. The second moment is when the leads (Naomi Watts and Laura Harring) investigate a dead body. I dare you to watch it without wearing Depends.It’s been long enough since I’ve seen this movie that many of the details escape me, but the creepiness factor remains as strong as ever.

Could you please pass the popcorn?

Donnie Darko
I can’t look at Jake Gyllenhaal without thinking of this movie (or Bubble Boy for that matter). Donnie is less creepy overall than Mulholland Dr., but whenever Frank the Rabbit gets on the screen I’m ready to change my boxers. Lots of movies use innocence in the face of terror to mess with your head (like The Others, Signs, The Exorcist), but taking a bunny and making it so freaking horrifying that it haunts your dreams – that’s brilliant. I should add that Frank the Bunny has made more than one appearance in my nightmares, stupid fricking rabbit.

I need a hug... and maybe a Long Island Iced Tea

The Sixth Sense
Dead people are creepy, yes, but that’s not the reason I’m including The Sixth Sense in my list. My scary radar shot up in that one scene where Haley Joel Osmont (in his pre-drunkard days) is at a birthday party and hears a dead guy calling to him. As he slowly makes his way up the stairs to the dead guy (anticipation growing with each step), the voice grows louder and angrier. By the time Haley gets outside of the room with the voice, the dead guy is loud and disturbing in the worst possible way. That’s when a couple evil children grab Haley and lock him in the room. I guess I’d start drinking too if that happened to me.

Thriller
Laugh if you want, but the Thriller video is more than a little spooky. Even though I really like the music and even the dancing, it’s MJ himself that’s the creep in question. If you recall the ending, the evil MJ-zombie is right about to get the girl when she wakes up and the almost-human version (the African American to Caucasian morph is only partway finished) is there instead. Then the almost-human MJ turns to the camera and his evil, yellow cat eyes send voodoo darts straight directly at you. That’s freaky as hell and the freeze frame on his face prolongs the heebeejeebie attack. Damn you MJ. Damn you and your fake nose and your freaky cat-eyes.



Blair Witch Project
You could argue that the Blair Witch Project was a true horror film and therefore doesn’t belong on this list. My counter argument is that my friends used a successful campaign of lies and deceit to trick me into believing this movie was real-life recovered footage and not actually a movie at all. I believed everthing was real, straight up to the horrifying finale. To this day I don’t understand what happened in that final scene where the girl rushes into the room and sees the dude staring blankly in the corner before they both "die." If you know what happened or have a theory, please post it, because not knowing is putting a crimp in my soiled jockeys.

There’s my list and I invite you to share any movie moments that creep you out. Maybe the sharing will be cathartic and maybe not, but at the very least somebody will have an excellent list of scary movies to watch. In the meantime I think I’ll go rub my Buddha and Steve Young statues.

Notable Shower Moments

I do my best to get to the gym on a semi-regular basis (read: whenever I can drag someone else along with me) and try as I might, there are still a few things that make me squirm. Some of them are small peeves, like when a woman hops onto a bike next to you and proceeds to chat on her phone for the next FORTY MINUTES (on second thought, maybe this isn't such a small thing). Also, people who prevent you from using a machine because of their excessively long breaks or fairly short naps. But these are simply things you get used to or so I'm told. One thing I refuse to get used to, however, is seeing a grown man's penis swinging in my direction. Yesterday I took a quick step into the gym locker/shower/bathroom to relieve myself and was immediately confronted with some perky male genitalia. In honor of this bathroom moment I've decided to compile a list of other notable movie moments taking place between multiple people in the shower. Don't ask why, just enjoy.

Maverick butts heads with Iceman

1. Top Gun
If my memory has decided to play nice today, there were actually a couple notable shower scenes in Top Gun. I'm pretty certain that there was a gratuitous Tom Cruise shower scene after the equally gratuitous beach volleyball scene. But the shower moment that stands out to me was when Maverick was talking to Iceman and then turns to the wall, pausing for a good five seconds so the image of his towel-sheathed butt could be forever imprinted in the minds of impressionable boys throughout the land. And in case you were wondering, yes, I am straight.

2. Starship Troopers
The shower scene in Starship Troopers truly reflects the surprise I felt at seeing another man's package. I really don't remember the scene's context, but I think the new army recruits are showering off after some kind of training exercise and then bam - glistening naked boobies pounce onto the screen. These were probably the first on-screen breasts I really remember seeing and they certainly left their mark. Hopefully this one balances out the Tom Cruise butt moment.

Trust me, you don't want to see any more than this

3. Any Given Sunday
Any Given Sunday is one of those movies where I feel like I've seen it all even though I've only watched it piecemeal for like half an hour. I managed to see it's notable shower scene when, in a moment of perfect cosmic timing, I surfed from Comedy Central straight into a large black man's toodley-doo (penis). On a related note, I wonder how you prepare to get naked in a huge production movie like Any Given Sunday. I guess you'd first make sure your underbits get all spiffied up with maybe some lotion or Banaca. Then you'd get the production crew to turn the temperature up and ogle the newspaper's brassiere ads like in There Something About Mary (also starring Cameron Diaz, incidentally).

4. Weird Science
I always enjoyed the television series version more than the movie version. I think it boils down to Vanessa Angel being more likeable and attractive than Kelly LeBrock (also, she was married to Steven Seagal - the baby seal clubber himself! (warning: Family Guy joke)). In the movie version, the young and funny Anthony Michael Hall and "the other guy" (who had some weird mole I didn't like either) took a shower with Kelly. I can understand the anxiety that drove them to remain clothed while she was not, but that doesn't explain why they were practically hugging each other. I guess some things just can't be explained.

5. Half-Baked
I can't believe I almost forgot this legendary movie. Of all the flicks on this list, only Half-Baked is a must watch. It's got stoner humor, great prison humor (is there any other kind?), and let's not forget a small time comedian named Dave Chappelle. Highlights of Half-Baked's shower scene include a dropped soap and a convict by the name of Nasty Nate who sported a "naughty, evil jungle of love (a reference I still use to this day)."

My Facial Hair Adventure or How I learned to stop shaving and love my man-hair

I usually prefer to go with a couple days worth of stubble as a relatively easy and painless claim to masculinity (The obvious alternative being having a girlfriend). It brings a sensitive, yet dangerous flavor to my baby soft skin.

But last week I decided to take the plunge into a hairy new domain. A domain previously occupied by the likes of Don Johnson and George Michael. A domain I call "The Hairy Domain." Countless websites exist on the internet that teach men (in my own mind I pretend this applies to me) how to grow that perfect beard/goatee/soul patch/pubic hair. Most sites agree that the entire facial-lawn should be grown out for at least one entire week and several state that no blade should near the facial hedges for at least 6 weeks.

6 weeks seemed like a daunting task, but I had nothing to lose. I put my electric razor down and went back to watching the Princess Diaries.

I lasted 10 days.

That may not seem like a long time, but 10 days without shaving is a very long time for a guy who had never before gone beyond 5. I itched and scratched and I feared waking up, looking in the mirror, and seeing Matthew McConaughey's godawful scrotum-hair beard staring back at me. Well, this never happened, but I did end up looking mildly vagrant and flagrantly unemployed.

So this afternoon I went into my bathroom, grabbed my razor and went to work.

Initially I meant to shave everything off and forget about the entire experiment. But my nerves steadied and I went about sculpting my face-hair into a reasonable design. Of course, I took frequent breaks to look at googled photos of goateed men for inspiration. I also took several test pictures of myself with my camera, peering this way and that and smiling as if I were seeing an old friend for the first time in a while.

"Oh hi Ted! How are you?"
"What? I look different? Well, yes thank you I have been working out, but I've always been this ripped. I guess you never noticed before."
"What's that? You think I look like - like Matthew McConaughey? You goddamn bastard!"

It took almost forty minutes, but I'm reasonably pleased with the results.

I settled on a smaller moustache that extends out to the "smile lines" (a phrase I saw frequently on goatee websites) with a bottom thatch of hair that is rounded about my chin with a little extra on the sides. I find it rogueish and only faintly porn-starish (or is it pornstar-ish?).

I have no idea how long this facial-do will last, but I'll keep you updated. As if you really do want to hear about my facial adventures.

Also, if you have facial hair adventures you've been dying to share (there's gotta be at least one out there), please do so.

Attack of the Poo Monster


Is there anything more frustrating/disgusting than a clogged toilet? This morning I spent nearly twenty minutes attempting to flush my bodily excesses down the tubes. As I write this, they continue to quietly mock me.
Unfortunately, this isn't the first time this has happened. Way back when I was about twelve I spent the night at a friend's house. I happily did my business and turned around to flush it down. To my horror, the toilet did not flush. Oh no, it did not flush. My friend later claimed it was the largest poo he ever saw. I couldn't look my friend's mom in the eye for at least a week.

Fast forward about ten years. I was at a friend's dorm party when I answered the call of the wild. Except there was no toilet paper, only paper towels, which some of you may know is a certain path to toilet cloggetry. I did indeed take that toilet to Cloggsville and spent the following half hour dumping overflow into the tub like a sailor on a sinking ship. I had to pull a MacGuyver in there to avoid a complete disaster and turned the rug into a doorstopper while the trash can became an emergancy bucket. I eventually contained the fallout, but nobody ever truly defeats a pluggled toilet.


Remember, flushing is like voting. Do it early and often.