Casting Call to fulfill your Greatest Fantasy!

(assuming your greatest fantasy is playing Fantasy Basketball with me)

Have you ever watched an NBA game and thought, “Boy, I wish those players were my personal sex slaves?” If your answer is “yes” (or “no”) then you can run your very own fantasy basketball team… as long as you meet the following requirements:

1. No fear of the internet
2. Survived viewing of Chairman of the Board
3. Able and willing to read
4. Can drink gallon of milk in less than an hour

The training is intense...


But the rewards are worth it

Here’s the deal: A few friends and myself started a basketball league and we now find ourselves several managers short of a full league. If you’re at all interested in participating in sex slavery fantasy basketball please leave me a comment with your email address or email me directly at hawaiimatthew@hotmail.com (or use the mailing button to the right of the page ->).

If you DO want to participate but are afraid to because you’re unknowledgeable about the NBA, suffer from halitosis, or have excessive back hair then I’ve got a proposition:

I will share my Yoda-like experience and wisdom with you through this blog and train you like the late Mr. Miyagi.

Perhaps our journey of growth and learning will lead to a movie deal in which I will be played by George Clooney and you can be played by that chick from Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place.

Let’s go make that fantasy come true.

Hate kids? Play Fantasy Sports

Fantasy sports (check here for the Wikipedia definition) is like vicariously living through your children. When your kids do well (get good grades, get a hot girlfriend, stay out of prison, etc.) you can brag about it to all the other fathers and parents in your neighborhood. When they fail (get bad grades, teenage pregnancy, play for the Oakland Raiders, etc.) your neighbors will give you serious crap. But in order for your children to win, you've got to cheer that the other guy's kids fail. And literally, all athletes are somebody's kid so you're already rooting for some guy's kid to screw up so you can whip their sorry beeehind in a game about meaningless numbers. That's evil.

And what if you have several fantasy teams in the same sport? That's like having illegitimate families on the side and unless you're Mormon that's just not right. And eventually some of your babies are going to be playing against you in a different league and that's also messed up. It's like asking your kid to try out for the flag team instead of the cheerleading squad; they can't be total losers, but you don't want them doing too well either.

So when you boil it all down, fantasy sports are all about wishing evils upon your neighbor's (or your own illegitimate) children. Right now I'm wishing a debillitating STD upon Terrell Owens and sunshine and lollypops for Terry Glenn. Evil, man, evil.