I witnessed a very disturbing sight today. Standing in line at my place of work was a young girl freshly ushered into the sweet, sweet charms of womanhood. Her flowering figure was tastefully sheathed in booty shorts and a tank top and I swear I could hear chimes when her thighs rubbed together. But to my horror she was being wooed right before my very eyes – by a wrinkled, ninety year old granddad. Except, maybe “wooed” isn’t so much the appropriate verb as “perved on.”
Clearly the young vixen was not yet of legal age, but Mr. Grandad Perv was pressing his suit like a wrinkled, clawed hand pushing against a door marked Pull. He was completely oblivious to the growing line, the waiting cashier, or his own oozing creepiness. The young woman politely pretended to listen to his questions about her age but only time will tell what kind of psychological problems she developed while under his visually impaired gaze.
Thankfully the girl escaped. Granddad Perv struck out, but some of these big screen satyrs have had greater success.
Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon in Grumpier Old Men
Resident grumps Walter and Jack one up each other in order to bang that hot young tart Sophia Loren. Oh wait, she’s not that young? And her kisses are less tart and more baking soda? Well, they were still horny bastards.
Carlin’s role as the horny Architect in Scary Movie 3 was clearly beneath him, but if any silver tongued (and haired) older gentleman could separate a young girl from her chastity, it would be the Elder Hippy Dippy Weatherman. Able to strip down any common phrase into a nugget of comedic gold, Carlin would no doubt perform a similar service to any willing target if given the chance.
Sir Sean Connery in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Guilty of being the Sexiest Man Alive, Mr. Bond has a long history of seducing women. Of course, in The Last Crusade Connery was the one being pursued by all accounts. Elsa Schneider may have been searching for his grail diary, but we all know she found much more than that. This is one Grandad with a legitimate license to thrill young women everywhere (as confirmed in Entrapment).
Christopher Walken in every movie he's ever been in
Christopher Walken has been capable of playing the role Creepy Old Man #1 since the age of nine. Technically, I only remember him performing in a lecherous capacity as music producer Bobby in Wayne’s World 2. But look at Walken in any role and you can see a depraved soul just begging to be freed. Perhaps that’s what those Prophecy movies are all about.
Are there any other Grandad Pervs deserving of a shout out? Mention them in the comments section because I’d like to know (although I couldn’t explain why).