Life Free or Die Hard of Shame

While I was on my way to a clothing store today, my little brain idly wondered if I'd once again run into the same gay asian dude who works there. I have nothing against gay asian dudes or any combination thereof, but this particular gay asian dude had been both very helpful in the past and also a little too forward if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

As soon as I entered the store, I immediately conducted a code yellow reconnaissance sweep for the GAD (gay asian dude) to assess the necessity for evasive maneuvers. I sneaked my way to the back of the store unobserved but the GAD was sneakier and ambushed me from a rear employee door. At this point I temporarily lost control of my body, which proceeded to give the gay asian dude a very unmasculine, sideways, "ta-ta" hello wave. I think the guy said hello back to me but I can't be too sure since I was busy scuttling away. I still bought a shirt, but I have yet to forgive my arm for disobeying orders in a time of crisis.

Oh yeah, I also saw Die Hard 4.

Tooling is Cool

I've been doing some tooling around these last couple of days. One of my goals is to rock some new graphics all up in here, because while I love my baby, I think it's time for him (her?) to grow up and quit being such a damn baby.

Also, I'm debating whether I should start using an iPhone or not. On the one hand, I don't want to send the message that I'd rather spend money on a new toy than on beautiful women who want to feed me pomegranates and call me Tattoo. And on the other hand, I could watch videos like this one about the band Flight of the Conchords. They're funny.

More Hot Movie Awards

True Story: A friend once said I look like Matthew McConaughey.
Not True Story: Money was not exchanged.

What? - you thought I was finished with my hot movie reviews? Oh no you di'int. Here are some more Hot Movie Awards I had baking in the oven.

[Cue Drumroll]

Winner of the “Movie that convinces me – once again – to never mess with Anthony Hopkins” award.

Fracture

Winner of the “Movie that best teaches young children why you should never, ever run with scissors” award.

Mr. Brooks

Winner of the “Funniest British comedy of the year starring the exact same cast as Sean of the Dead” award.

Hot Fuzz

Winner of the “Best lapdance involving a one-legged stripper with a wooden peg leg and Quentin Tarentino’s viscous naughty bits” award.

Grindhouse

Winner of the “Hey that’s a cast member of the Office not named Steve Carell!” award.

Blades of Glory

Winner of the “Movie that somehow manages to show two hours of shooting (duh) and violence without any of it being disturbing until the final two minutes” award.

Shooter

Winner of the “Movie you should never go to see at 1am in an empty theater except for one creepy dude sitting DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU” award. Trust me on this one.

Zodiac

Winner of the “Best use of nipples in a whale explosion scene” award.

Reno 911!:Miami

Winner of the “Movie that inexplicably shows Nicky Cage in such ripply good shape that you suddenly feel like Charlie Kaufman in Adaptation” award.

Ghost Rider

Hot Movie Awards

I saw a few movies over the past couple months. None of them knocked my socks off which was probably a good thing for the rest of the audience - my feet are silent but deadly. Anyhoo, in the spirit of summer I’ll give every movie a deserving award.

Drumroll please...

Winner of the “Movie that most weirds me out based on the fact that the central character spews an inordinate amount of goo without the aid of supplements or donkey hormones” award.

Spiderman 3

Winner of the “Movie that makes me question my own masculinity the most” award. (Obviously I need to work on my six-pack and ability to draw blood with verbal barbs)

300

Winner of the “Movie that makes me want to be the fifth member of the Fantastic Four and have daily access to the Invisible Woman’s under thingies” award.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Winner of the “Movie that most needs some good Mormon comic relief” award. (Those guys are hilarious)

Evan Almighty

Winner of the “Best Ocean’s 11 Movie not titled ‘Ocean’s 12'" award. (God that movie sucked)

Ocean’s Thirteen

Winner of the “Movie with the most attractive leads with the worst hygiene” award.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3

Winner of the “Movie that is most likely to inspire penguin bestiality” award. (I like that Zooey Deschanel. A lot.)

Surf’s Up

Winner of the “Hottest Ogre on Ogre action” award.

Shrek the Third

A Treatise on The Spoon and Nakedness

Loyal Reader Sadie recently commented on the perplexing paucity of posts present in pthis phumble pblog (true fact: alliteration is always pretty.) All I can say is that when you have wrists as delicate as Barbaro’s ankles (which I do) then you have to rest up when you can or risk being ridden by small hairy foreign men. Or something.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m like Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally and this blog, The Spoon, is Meg Ryan (but funnier and with a less iconic haircut). So me and Meg Ryan have really hit it off in the past, but we haven’t achieved that wonderful stage of our relationship where we feel comfortable making orgasm sounds together in public. But then something happens and we don’t see each other for a while. And then bam! – we run into each other again and the flame is reignited. Except now I’m divorced and I really like to play topless beach volleyball with my dude friends and Meg Ryan is still grieving over her dead fighter pilot husband. Or was that Top Gun? Aw, screw it, you know what I mean. I’m back baby!

Except for the Scientology, I could be looking in a mirror. Topless.

To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure what direction The Spoon is headed. I still like writing movie reviews but it isn't really enough for me. Writing nothing but reviews is like having an all meat diet. Sure, meat gives you all the nutrients you need for a thick, healthy stool, but sometimes you want some greens to clean up the plumbing. So you can probably expect a few off topic posts. However, I will absolutely do my best to NOT spend ten paragraphs describing last night’s dream in which my mom dropped me off at work and I had a really big piece of gristle stuck in my teeth and nobody told me the entire day. And also I was naked. So, don’t expect to hear long-winded tales of my naked-dream-gristle-exploits because that’s what my psychiatrist is for. Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. And you can also be naked if you want.

Hats are optional