Reports of my death...

Contrary to what you may have heard, I am either dead nor have I been secretly recruited by the FBI as an undercover agent, codename: Littlenips, in a clandestine operation in conjunction with Smokey the Bear to prevent forest fires.

Smokey doesn't like forest fires - or your face

Actually, I've been doing a lot of reading while simultaneously exploring the wonderful world of suppositories. Suffice it to say, I've been doing a good deal of bathroom reading and in the process I've climbed onto the Christopher Moore bandwagon, one chaffed butt cheek at a time.

I'm nearly fully healed now and back in the theaters so expect some upcoming reviews and tidbits about Pan's Labyrinth (good), Ghost Rider (okay), and hopefully Reno 911!:Miami after tonight.

What doesn't kill you only makes you remember those times your nuts were grabbed

Ever since I started working again, I've had a little less time for movies and more time for another much less satisfying event: death. Ok, I'm exaggerating, but when I perch myself atop our bookstore's rickety wooden ladder, my feet struggling to find purchase like a free climbing monkey, random questions and events actually do flash before my eyes. Here are some of the more interesting ones.

Nice balls

-Back in 10th grade, I was leaving school when some random dude ran up to me, grabbed my junk with his right hand and then began to roll them around like chinese exercise balls. It hurt a lot and I was too shocked to reteliate beyond a fierce whimper. Immediately afterwards, the guy looked sincerely apologetic for applying the kung-fu grip to my balls and said, "I'm sorry man. If you want, you can do it to me too." I croaked out a negative and never saw him again. I wonder how he's doing these days.

-In Anaconda, what kind of accent was Jon Voight trying to do? And in a somewhat related note, if Futurama were ever made into a movie, I think a young Jon Voight would make a superb Zapp Brannigan.

I am one helluva stud

-Occasionally when I hack up a loogie, I get an eyelash in there. I recently learned that these aren't eye lashes after all. Why did I ever have to learn the truth?

-How do they keep making Species movies?

-Remember in The Shining when Jack Nicholson (or was it the wife?) runs up the stairs and sees the dude in the bear suit "performing" on the other dude? That was the creepiest thing ever.

That'll be $1000. Biatch.

-You know how tons of people get hired in movies because they're really overweight or unattractive. How does a casting director tell an actor that they've just won the role for "Fat ugly broad #4?" And when the actress is finally in her one scene, does the director say, "Now stand over here and just let your belly hang out. Let your gut explore the space, I really want to see some expressive jiggling."

-Did Keyser Soze have previous practice urinating on a moving target? I'd like to think that I could extinguish a trail of gunpowder with my own modest urine, but writing my name in the toilet can't possibly be adequate preparation.

Gloating Denied!

I was all set to get my gloat on over my first victory in Name That Movie! when Ian ups and wins! Again!

Yes, that dastardly Ian (of Adventures of the S-Team fame) has foiled my plans by correctly identifying The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

I remember watching this adventure flick way back when I was just a wee little boy. I was forever traumatized by the image of death, which was offset somewhat by lovely nubility (if that's not a word, it should be) of Uma Thurman. Other positives include a man with enough wind to blow down an army and another dude not named Superman who can run faster than a speeding bullet. And of course there's the Baron, played by John Neville, who exudes the exact brand of bravado and dashing derring-do that you want from a hero not named Chuck Norris. And he really knows how to make it with the ladies, if you know what I mean.

This one's for the ladies

And one for the men

And for everyone else into the kinky stuff. You know who you are

Congratulations again to Ian and enjoy watching The Adventures with my blessing.

And I apologize to squish for his continued failure. Better luck next time!

Name That Movie!

The first thing I did this morning was hack up a gob of phlegm roughly the size of Stephen Hawking's brain, and we all know what that means:

It's time for another rousing edition of Name That Movie!
to be immediately followed by a trip to the doctor.

Due to my three toed sloth like slowness, everyone is eligible to participate and win in this week's contest. Remember: I'll show a picture and hint from a movie and all you have to do is guess the movie's title in the comment section. You'll win fame, respect, money, and hot boys/girls to do naughty things to you, but mostly you'll get your name emblazoned here (and isn't that what we all really want anyway?).

Here's the picture:

And here's the hint:

This movie displays some incredible speed, strength, and superhuman hearing.

Now get to it!

A Day in the Life

Since nobody shared their deserted island movies with me, I have no choice but to write about my poops.

Now that I have a job, my poops are no longer my own. I must dole them out carefully when I’m not helping customers or daydreaming about Elisha Cuthbert and tartar sauce.

Mmmmm... Tartar sauce....

I’ve realized that poops can be a highly valued commodity in the workforce; they’re kind of like brown, stinky tokens that can be exchanged for a free break. I mean, given a choice, every boss in the world will want you to take a dump in a toilet instead of on a customer’s chest. That’s just good service. And by carefully timing your bowel movements, you can effectively double your break time. Granted, you’ll be spending that time perched on a toilet straining your little heart out, but beggars can’t be choosers.

The unspoken rule of customer service

My personal bowel movements are pretty regular. Meaning they regularly come when I’m helping three different customers at the same time and there’s nobody around to help me. My poops are particularly attracted to stress, I think, and arrive as soon as I feel pressured. Maybe it’s nature’s way of telling me to “hurry up” and get rid of these other people so I can take care of my own “business.”

I work with a lot of women so I’m particularly careful of leaving incriminating poop stains on the toilet seat. I figure that I will be the prime suspect in any bowel chicanery since men naturally have the dirtiest butts. To avoid unsightly smears I always create a makeshift seat cover using spit and toilet paper. The single bathroom stall is so small that it’s impossible to sit straight down and instead I have to move down at a left to right angle. But if I move too quickly then the resulting air-flow knocks over my MacGuyvered seat cover and then the risk of smear stains rises exponentially. To combat this I have to hover my butt mere inches from the seat at a roughly 45-degree angle. That’s when I snap my butt down with the speed of an attacking cobra snake.

I'm so fast, I just pooped right now while you were reading this

I’d tell you about the rest of my day, but it’s pretty inconsequential compared to this.

Martha Stewart's Deserted Island Living

Being stuck on an island can make you go a little crazy, such as starring in a bad movie with a worse haircut

The deserted island scenario is no laughing matter in my mind. If Survivor has taught me anything, it’s that being stranded on a deserted island may help you lose weight and look better naked (positive), but it will also convert your body into prime residential housing for the nastiest fleas, gnats, and lice ever to explore a sphincter (negative). It’s therefore extremely important to keep your morale high. Being able to watch a movie on this deserted island (pretend there’s a Swiss Family Robinson contraption that can operate a single dvd player and tv screen and nothing else) could mean a quiet, peaceful death (positive) or a cruel, unhappy death (negative). It all depends on which movie you choose.

The following are my top five deserted island movies:

5) Groundhog Day
This comedy gem has all the components of a timeless flick, and it better if it’s supposed to keep me from going crazy and prancing around my deserted island in Speedos and boots. Bill Murray is on top of his game and his egotism is as refreshing as it is hilarious. Also, Andie MacDowell provides just the romantic spark that’ll keep me warm inside.

4) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Probably one of the most well rounded adventure movies in the last thirty years. One of the best leading men, ever, in Harrison Ford gives the Last Crusade the kind of inspiring heroism that can make every challenge seem a little more manageable. The lack of a “good” leading lady is probably the one element I’m not crazy about while on my island fortress of unwanted solitude. But this is the best of the Indiana Jones series and, “I even like the color.”

3) Singing in the Rain
I used to make fun of my friend for liking such a sissy movie. Then I saw it and immediately fell in love (platonically of course) with this fun, witty, and great sing-a-long film. I’m a fan of the dancing and Gene Kelly knows how to hoof around and he’s not a bad singer either. With the incredible soundtrack as my guide, I’ll also be able to stun pigeons with my caterwauling and keep myself well fed.

2) Roman Holiday
Gregory Peck is five kinds of smooth, but we all know it’s Audrey Hepburn who will keep me "sexually healed.” Yeah, that’s right. Somebody has to keep me satisfied and I choose sweet, innocent, nubile Audrey Hepburn.

Princess Jasmine has what the Arabians called "a nice rack"

1) Aladdin
I know I could watch Aladdin forever because I practically have. Growing up I was a little, how do you say, obsessed with Aladdin. But can you really blame me? It’s got humor, action, adventure and a fairy tale romance with a male lead that I can not only admire, but occasionally look like if the lighting is bad enough. And don’t get me started on Princess Jasmine. Plus, the songs and happy ending could keep me entertained and well-fed (read: confusing stunned pigeon reference) for a long, long time.

That’s my list and I’m sure yours is different. Please share your deserted island picks so I can admire your choices, or gently poke fun at them, whichever is appropriate.

The Good Shepherd is good, but remains poor substitute for Prozac

A couple days ago my dad and I were talking about which movie we’d like to have while stranded on a deserted island. We agreed that the ideal movie should be:

1) Entertaining (to help you forget about the friendly parasites setting up shop in your boopity-boops)
2) Timeless (so you can watch it over and over like a pre-stroke Dick Clark on New Year’s Eve)
3) Uplifting (to stave off the crazies a la Cast Away’s Wilson the anthropomorphic volleyball with a heart of gold)

We also agreed that while The Good Shepherd has enough plot and visual flair to meet the first criteria, it’s also too long by half and depressing enough to make you want to grab a coconut and bash in your own skull. In other words, don’t take The Good Shepherd on any three-hour tours.

You talkin' to me? Well, I'm the only one here, but maybe you got a wireless headset

Fans of The Mole will be happy to note that The Good Shepherd marks Robert De Niro’s second stint in the director’s chair. Apparently, De Niro wanted to direct a film about the CIA and the resulting personal and political turmoil that marked its creation. After watching the finished product I would say he succeeded almost too well.

De Niro obviously has a strong eye for the visuals and composes many excellent shots throughout the film. Foggy boat rides and gloomy London streets stand out with bold shadows and silhouettes and even the ubiquitous office scenes contain a symmetrical sterility that play a strong counterpoint to the twisting plots and machinations.

But if you’re not a fan of the spy games, consider this a big ole red flag. The Shepherd is bursting with codes, ciphers, bluffs, double bluffs, and I’m not positive, but maybe even triple bluffs. It’s never clear exactly who can be trusted and part of the film’s shine comes from the many pieces that never quite come together without a little mental work on your end. Some people will enjoy connecting the dots while more people will probably get frustrated and put off by the continued mind games.

The main participant of said mind games is CIA Operative Edward Wilson, played by Matt Damon. Wilson’s codename is Mother; it’s a silly code name for a man who probably has the smallest sense of humor, ever. Damon will get some serious award consideration for this role since it’s not easy making such a methodical, introspective individual into a watch-able and sympathetic “hero.” But Damon somehow succeeds in doing so with a stony face and the body language of a brick wall.

My main gripe with The Good Shepherd goes a little more fundamental than the visuals and acting, however. De Niro clearly wanted to show the dangerous power wielded by the upstart CIA during the Cold War and the moral dilemmas they faced. Unfortunately, all too often in The Shepherd these dilemmas are acted out as personal tragedies in Wilson’s home life. He is trapped in a loveless marriage with a strange and quiet child and these relationships are stretched beyond breaking in the course of Wilsons’ secretive work. But the extended focus on Wilsons’ home life diminshes its import and pretty soon the string of tragedies seem more like calculated plot devices than anything else. By the end of the film, I couldn’t help but feel that The Good Shepherd was doing its best to make me cry and I resented this feeling of overt manipulation.

This baby has just seen The Good Shepherd

In the end, my complaints of The Good Shepherd are really only about too much of a good thing. This is a finely crafted movie that simply tried too hard to make its point. As a result, The Shepherd runs at least 20 minutes too long and remains very, very depressing. For those of you who have the time and the interest, this can be a very rewarding film that will leave you with strong images of a confusing chapter in American history. But if you don’t have an extra 3 hours to spare or a resilient volleyball with a heart of gold to keep you from de-braining yourself, you’ll probably have a better day by skipping The Good Shepherd.

The Shepherd is well made, no doubt about it, to the tune of a Paul score (3 out of 4 stars). However, the content is so damn depressing that I only recommend it to the heartiest folk.

Christmas is here again and brings with it a slew of holiday traditions: eggnog, mistletoe, and alchohol drenched fornication with big boned women.

That's right, I'm talking about Bad Santa.

It's true that Billy Bob Thornton looks like a drunken wreck of a man who lies, cheats, steals and beats up little boys, but that's only part of his charm. Deep down he really is a drunken liar, cheater, and beater upper of small children, but it's funny as hell and a trip to watch. Billy Bob was born to play this role and the way his character "grows" up adroitly avoids the sentimental cop-outs that so many flicks employ and manages to stay slick and disgustingly funny all the way to the nut-busting end.

Bad Santa is a new christmas tradition that's so bad it's good.
Full on John material (4 out of 4 stars.)

Winnah!

Our newest winnah of Name That Movie! is Sadie of Sadie, Sadie, Married Lady.

Sadie displayed her cinema acumen by successfully identifying the 90s flick, Hackers, from this picture.


Hackers didn't make a huge splash at the box office, but it's sprited brand of "cyber" fun was hard to ignore. It also didn't hurt that a little known actress named Angelina Jolie starred. Apparently Angie and her co-star, Johnny Lee Miller, were married soon after Hackers concluded filming, only to divorce four years later. As we all know now, it was all downhill for Johnny boy, while Miss Big Lips was destined for greater things (ie: Brad Pitt).

Congratulations once again to Sadie!


The Spoon
would also like to wish everyone a
Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukah!
May you receive many presents and good times.

Name That Movie!

Your favorite contest is back!

The Rules: I'll present a picture from a completely random (read: carefully selected) movie and it's your job, nay, your duty, to name that movie in the comment section.

-You may guess as many times as you want.
-Wrong answers are not penalized, but may be mocked.
-The previous winner is not eligible to win the next entry (this means you SQT)

The Prize: Bragging rights and your name and blog emblazoned here in bright pink letters. Don't act like you're not panting for this sweet, sweet prize.

The picture:The hint: Computers are cool.

Eragon is destined to make you regret spending 8 bucks to go see it

I immediately had my doubts when I learned that fantasy blockbuster Eragon was based on a book written by a home-schooled individual.

I’m not a cruel person, but I tend to look down upon home schooled peoples or “homies,” if you will. They often have pigment deficiencies, thereby making their skin a reflective surface that is too bright to look at directly, and their lack of real-world experience frequently leads to small talk about model airplanes and the relative merits of soy-based products. These side effects of home schooling - albinism and a nunnish lifestyle – are also the main culprits for Eragon’s trite and tired presentation.

Talking about soy products is just one activity more interesting than watching Eragon

Eragon is based on the popular and same-titled book by author Christopher Paolini. Apparently, “Chris” wrote Eragon at the jailbait age of 17 right after finishing his home school “education,” as he and his parents felt he wasn’t quite old enough to go to college. After watching Eragon, I’d have to add that he probably wasn’t old enough to write his own book either.

To be honest, I haven’t read Eragon and I have no doubt that it’s more complex and imaginative than its cinematic counterpart; it’s simply not possible for the book to be more banal than this flick. Eragon plays like an ugly, bastardized conglomeration of Star Wars, Tolkien, and Anne McCaffrey and while those are all excellent sources of inspiration, the end result is less than inspired.

Let’s see a synopsis: A young orphan boy (Star Wars) is destined to be a dragon rider (McCaffrey), and defeat the evil king (every fantasy story ever told). Instead of filling in the blanks with unique characters and compelling scenarios, Eragon chooses to take absolutely no story telling risks and becomes a fantasy adventure movie with no sense of adventure.

To give you a nip of Eragon’s bland offering, I offer a paraphrased explanation for why the young hero (Edward Speleers, whose accent is his best feature) has been chosen to be a dragon rider and deliver the smack down on the evil king (John Malkovich in a role too brief to be awful).

“Eragon, it’s your destiny to be a dragon rider and save the kingdom!”
“But why was I, a simpleton farmer, chosen to save the kingdom?”
“Because it is your duty as a dragon rider. Obviously.”
“But why was I picked to be a dragon rider? I don’t even like animals.”
“Because it’s your destiny, idiot.”

The atrocious dialogue and paper thin characters might’ve been more palatable with some excellent special effects, but for the most part, the SFX are as bland as the plot. With the lone exception of the dragon’s hatching scene, much of the visuals are eerily similar to Dragonheart, which came out nearly ten years ago. And in many cases, travel scenes look like left over stock footage from Peter Jackson’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy. The soundtrack is no better with its loud, brassy, and overly simplistic score.

Now Dragonheart was cool. You can't beat Sean Connery as a reptilian con-artist.

Eragon is clearly the result of an impassioned writer retelling his favorite stories. Unfortunately, without a deeper understanding of what made those stories classics, not to mention the social skills of a five-year old, Chris Paolini could never have given Eragon the wings to get off the ground. In other words, this “homie” was destined for failure.

Eragon doesn’t take any risks and I’d advise you to do the same: don’t see this movie. It might be good enough to fool the kiddies, but adults won’t have that satisfaction. Eragon is just barely out of Ringo territory (1 star out of 4).

Leeeeroooooy Jenkins!

I've always hesitated to admit that I play WoW (World of Warcaft) for fear of being labeled as "nerdish" or a "gaming stallion." However, I figure I waved bye-bye to my last shred of respect a while ago so my image can't be damaged any more by admitting my love for this WoW video clip.

WoW is a MMORPG (that's nerdspeak), which basically means that it's a computer game with thousands of little figures running around hitting things and flirting with each other, and for each little figure there is one pasty human being hunched over a computer screen noisily slurping a soda and resisting the urge to urinate for as long as possible.

In the following video, a group of said pasty people are coordinating a group attack. Listen to their intricate planning and revel in their dedication and ingenuity. Then observe how the very brave and very stupid Leroy Jenkins takes control.

The Blob ate my post

Please give a gentle pat on the rump to our newest Name That Movie! Winner:
SQT from The Fantasy & Sci-Fi Lovin' Blog!

Quick-witted and fast with a mouse, SQT came up with The Blob as the correct answer to the previous contest (scroll down for the contest pic). A 1958 sci-fi "classic" with the tag line, "Indescribable... Indestructible! Nothing Can Stop It!" The Blob also holds the distinction of being the last film in which Steve McQueen was billed as "Steven McQueen." Given a choice between taking $2,500 or 10% of the movie's profits, "Steven" took the cash and eventually lost out on a larger paycheck when the film grossed over 4 million dollars (Check out the IMDB trivia page for more nuggets of useless wisdom).

Name That Movie! Addendum

Like a finely-tuned Pinto, the Name That Movie! contest is currently undergoing some maintenance work. For example, one new rule will prevent contest winners from winning two times in a row. As the wise and degenerate Billy Bob said in Bad Santa, "They can't all be winners," but we'll sure as heck give everyone a fair shot here at The Spoon.

An unfortunate non-winner in the previous contest, Squish asks,"When does this contest go up?" Well Squish, I'd say these contests will go up about as irregularly as my bowel movements. But I also believe that the random nature of the entries will level the playing field for all four interested parties that weren't scared off by my bowel reference.

And the Winner is...

Ian from EDog's Everything Page!

In my previous post I began a movie-naming contest. And the first winner, Ian, chastised me for using such an awful movie as Battlefield Earth for my first contest entry and I'm inclined to agree; watching it should be reserved for farm animal rapists and NFL referees. But in my defense, my hint did describe Battlefield Earth as a bad, bad movie.

And since Ian spoiled everyone else's fun by winning the contest in a matter of hours, I'm going to immediately put up a second addition of...

Name That Movie!

The rules are the same as before: Be the first person to correctly identify the movie depicted below and post the movie title in the comment section. Respect and free advertisement for your blog will be awarded to the winner and I may even start a winner's circle for continued adulation.

The picture:

The Hint: B Movie all the way

Name that Movie!

You may be wondering about the new smell here at The Spoon. No, it's not a lingering fart - it's the fresh stink of a brand new contest!

I'll put up a picture of a movie. It's your job to guess the movie's title and be the first person to correctly post it in the comments section.

The winner will receive my undying admiration and absolutely no money whatsover. However, I will advertise your personal website for all my regular readers to see (ie: my stalkers [editors note: Matt still loves you guys]).

And now the picture:

And now the hint: This is a bad, bad movie.

Happy Feet makes beautiful music with songs you’ve already heard before

As I get older, I’m starting to grow more hair around the nipple region and my eyesight is degrading to the point where 10:15 looks an awful lot like 8:30. In other words, I missed my showing of Happy Feet on Sunday so this review comes a little later than it should’ve. Now that I have your sympathy and successfully directed your thoughts towards my nipple area (or nipular fun zone as I like to call it), let the Happy Feet review begin.

You probably think I’m a little kooky for wanting to see Happy Feet (not to mention the whole nipple stuff from the previous paragraph). Happy Feet is indeed aimed at a younger audience with its cookie cutter plot and child friendly show tunes, but its stunning visuals and musical performances make it more than your average feel good cartoon. It also doesn’t hurt that Happy Feet boasts the incredible vocal talents of Robin Williams under its wing.

The story is nothing new; little Mumble, aka Happy Feet, grows up different from the other penguins because of his eccentric tap dancing and atrocious singing voice. In a penguin society where status, and most importantly, mating rights, are dependent on a beautiful voice, Mumble seems destined for crazed hermit-penguin status.

In addition to tap dancing, Mumble is also an excellent designated driver

Eventually, Mumble is cast out from his penguin homeland for his strange ways and disturbing questions about the “aliens” who might be causing the fish scarcity (read: humans). Mumble then sets out to discovery the mystery behind the disappearing fish and in the process prove himself worthy to his family and friends. Occasional danger, hilarity, sadness, and triumph ensue.

Happy Feet is a movie that survives on its incredibly detailed animation and over the top musical performances. When Mumble struggles through a blizzard, you can see individual feathers rippling in the blustery, snow-laden wind. And when Mumble and his little Mexican penguin buddies (yes, you read that correctly) get chased by Killer Whales, each Orca tooth is large and threatening to the smallest detail. This is a beautiful movie. And it has a musical soundtrack to match it.

The musical talents of Nicole Kidman (good), Hugh Jackman (okay), Brittany Murphy (surprisingly good), and Robin Williams (crazy good) pack a powerful punch. Songs and dances are plentiful and well orchestrated and are sure to delight children and even adults. The infectious tunes of Stevie Wonder, Prince, and Earth, Wind, & Fire made even my tone-deaf body quiver with rhythm.

The voice acting is superb during the numerous musical performances and generally bland the rest of the time. Elijah Wood voices Mumble and while he’s appropriately eager, vulnerable, and determined, he’s also very vanilla. Except for Robin Williams' lines, most dialogue is eminently forgettable. Fortunately, Williams voices not one but two characters and manages to bring some spit and zing to otherwise blah-ridden conversations.

Besides the trite dialogue and storyline, I did have a major gripe with the 2nd half of the movie. The missing-fish plot felt tacked on and some of the later developments were nothing more than an ill-disguised deus ex machina. Children are likely to ignore these issues but they’re sure to trigger double takes from adults – “What the hell just happened?”

Yes, sir, even you may enjoy Happy Feet... and the occasional chest waxing

As long as you understand that the storyline and some suspicious plot developments are inconsequential, Happy Feet delivers a spectacular musical and cinematic performance that is worth you’re time. Children will doubtless get the most out of this film, but even hairy-nippled adults should enjoy Happy Feet.

Happy Feet gets a solid “Paul” rating. It doesn't break ground, but what it does well, namely visuals and songs, it does very well.

For a moment there, I thought we were in trouble

Memorable Movie Endings

A couple months ago, a friend and I were crammed into a booth on an overnight train ride through the Thailand countryside. To take our minds off our atrophying buttocks we started talking. Since I was part of the conversation, the topic, naturally, was about movies.

We tried to make a list of the most memorable movie endings we had ever seen. This was a surprisingly difficult task since good movies frequently have forgettable endings. For example, I really liked Trading Places with Eddie Murphy (back when he was funny) and Dan Akroyd (back when he was working). Great setup, super cast, but what happened at the end? I’m not talking about a general, "Eddie and Danny tricked the two brothers and now they’re rich, blah, blah, blah." I mean specifically, what exactly happened? I don’t remember and chances are you don’t either.

By definition, a memorable movie ending is one that you can think of off the top of your head; it could be clever, unexpected, appropriate, or even depressing as hell but one that stayed with you well after the credits.

Here are a few movie endings that have stayed with me, and I invite you to share your own.

Spoilers lurk below

Usual Suspects – You can argue all day whether or not everything in Usual Suspects made “sense,” but you can’t deny that Kevin Spacey’s final exit was very, very cool. The finishing touch was when the too-smug Chazz Palminteri was left standing on the curb completely clueless and outclassed.

American History X – This was a dark, gritty film that was on the cusp of becoming sentimental before it took a loaded gun and shot it’s way into this list. The senselessness of the final scene reopened all those emotional wounds gouged in by the film’s previous acts.

An alternate ending had Charlton Heston come down with a severe case of "Jungle Fever"

Planet of the Apes – I already knew how this one ended before I pressed Play, and I was still surprised. By the way, if you think I'm referring to the 2001 version with Mark Wahlberg then you have just suffered a recent head trauma and require immediate medical attention.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid – This movie had all kinds of excellent in it: great cast, great plot, and memorable characters that stayed true to their doomed-gunslinger persona right up until the very last frame.

If you squint really hard you can kind of see Thelma & Louise
hanging out with a pack of vultures

Thelma & Louise – I’ll confess that I haven’t seen this entire movie. I know there’s some gun shooting and some half naked Brad Pitt in there, but fifteen years later, the ending remains so memorable that it’s become a cliché (Wayne’s World 2, anybody?). It’s also very much like an updated version of the Butch Cassidy ending, but still memorable for all of that.

Brazil – Odd, odd film. I’d like to take some props because I actually saw this one coming; as strange as Brazil was, I knew there was no way Jonathon Pryce was going to get off that well.

For some reason, my memorable endings lean on the dark and tragic side (perhaps it’s a reflection of my tragic love for dairy products?). Please share the movie endings that have stuck with you and maybe we’ll learn about you in the process.

Totally Random Horoscope
11/29 - whenever

Shame on me, I haven't made (read: dreamed up during a peyote high) a new horoscope in weeks, no doubt leaving at least three people without any direction in their lives. Bad Matt! Allow me to satisfy your cravings with this sumptuous, and of course, totally random, horoscope.

Early in the morning your manhood (or womanhood) will be questioned during a fracas involving an E-Z Bake Oven. In a misguided attempt to redeem yourself, you will take your family to a Red Lobster and attempt to eat 60 pieces of shrimp. After eating 18, you will throw up, impressing nobody but the 250lbs. kid behind you, who incidentally decides to give up meat and become a vegetarian.

Pick of Destiny is better than a warm, gentle enema,
but not by much

The Pick of Destiny is part musical, part biography, and pure stoner. Jack Black and Kyle Gass star as Tenacious D, a rock band in search of greatness and enough cash for rent. The Pick tries to ride Jack Black's frantic energy as far as it can but the lack of polish and consistent laughs prevents this film from achieving the blissful high it tries so hard to reach.

You'll likely hate this movie if you've never heard of Jack Black or Tenacious D (or are over childbearing age). This flick reeks of sophomoronic vulgarity but there isn't enough bang to justify the Destiny moniker.

Dedicated fans of the "D," will probably find enough humor to be satisfied but this isn't the best way to be introduced to the pair. Check out the HBO episodes or their CDs for a better introduction.

Recapping: If you're a senior citizen and never heard of JB or "Kage" then Pick of Destiny gets a full on "Ringo (1 out of 4 stars)."

If you're desparate for a Tenacious D fix, then POD will probably get you off with a "George (2 out of 4 stars)."

The Smell of Tension is in the Air

The Déjà vu Review

When I walk into a room I can immediately detect (or sniff out, if you will) any residual fart stink as well as the exact number of hairs sprouting out of each person’s furry ear. I have no equal when it comes to detecting small personal flaws, except maybe for Denzel Washington’s newest character, government agent Doug Carlin.

Of course, Doug’s job isn’t to sniff out the last time someone sharted a big one; he’s more concerned about finding the terrorist behind a massive New Orleans bombing that’s killed hundreds of people.

With his eye for details, Doug Carlin quickly determines that not all is what it seems. There are too many inconsistencies in the crime scene; a misplaced body, a missing partner, and strange notes all point to a greater conspiracy.

This build up of tension and unease is one of Déjà vu’s greatest strengths. For the first forty minutes, the sense that something isn’t quite right is strong and constant. The film’s focus is squarely on the growing body of suspicious evidence and the sparse dialogue is smart and to the point, like the rest of the film’s setup.

It also doesn’t hurt that Denzel Washington is perfect for this role. His expressive face slides between anger, laughter, and thoughtful consideration with ease. At one point, Denzel’s character becomes obsessed with a woman (played by Paula Patton) that he believes is integral to solving the bombing. The mixture of sexual desire, tenderness, and longing on Denzel’s face when he views her is creepy and strange but completely appropriate for the film. I couldn’t think of another actor who could bring Doug Carlin to life. And somehow Denzel looks as good today as he did back in the Civil War.

That is one good-looking civil war veteran.

Déjà vu’s gripping tension is highlighted with some very well orchestrated action sequences. This film also features one of the more creative car chases I’ve seen in quite a while. It gets the heart pounding and keeps the audience guessing what will happen next. Unfortunately Déjà vu does suffer an occasional let down.

Without spoiling any plot twists, I will say that some complicated science is involved. And the requisite explanations drag the film’s pacing down to that of a two-legged dog’s. Adam Goldberg is often hilarious during these explanations but the scientific babble probably could have been toned down a notch or two.

More disappointing than the occasional plot slow down is the disjointed final thirty minutes. Early on, Déjà vu used the presence of significant details to hint at a greater conspiracy, so it’s frustrating when those details aren’t completely resolved and explained by the film’s conclusion. There is excitement and drama, but the satisfaction is tempered by the feeling that director Tony Scott cheated to get the ending he wanted.

Déjà vu offers great atmosphere and excitement and clings to both for as long as it can. Although there is a bit of a let down in the film’s second half, this is still a quality action flick with plenty to think about. I smell a decent one here and I think you’ll agree.

Déjà vu finds itself in Paul territory.
(That’s the equivalent of 3 out of 4 stars for the unitiated)