Celebrity Birthdays Friday, August 31

First, go vote for your favorite Comedy Movie Quote if you haven't yet (this is the link).

Now read my post.

(As long as I'm giving orders, you also have my permission to disrobe if you are a lady. If you are a guy, I'm assuming you are already naked. I don't know why this is the case.)

Celebrities have birthdays just like you and me although their parties are a little bit cooler than drunken karaoke or drunken twister or drunken monopoly(so hard!). While us commonfolk will never attend the stars’ birthday bashes, we can at least secretly delight in the knowledge that the beautiful people are one year older and uglier - with the exception of ageless wonders Nicole Kidman, Mary Louise Parker, Diane Lane, and that red head from Desperate Housewives (rawr). Teri Hatcher used to be on that list until she decided to go on Extreme Makeover: Glamour Coke Whore edition.

Her dead eye makes me cold inside

Now for the roll call of celebrity birthdays on Friday, August 31, 2007.

Richard Gere – I’ve mentioned in the past how much I’ve admired Mr. Gere for his roles in Primal Fear and American Gigolo, but you’ve still got to hand it to him. This is a guy who churns out quality performances year after year. I’m also looking forward to a project he’s attached to called Hachiko, which is based on an incredible true story about a professor and his loyal dog. I’m not sure where the movie will be set, but the actual events took place in Tokyo, Japan where I actually got to rub my sweaty hands over Hatchiko’s (the dog's) statue.

Zack Ward – Mostly I remember Zack Ward as the goofball brother in the short lived comedy series Titus. Perhaps his greatest movie moment, however, was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. Specifically I’m talking about the scene in which he guns down a mutant dog, introduces himself in quite the bad ass manner, and then promptly gets killed by more mutant dogs. I’m pretty certain he was also the bully in A Christmas Story.

I couldn't find a picture of the mutant dog scene so I recreated it with my l33t photoshopping skillz. The red squiggly marks are blood.

Chris Tucker – Some people hate Chris Tucker but I’m mostly ambivalent about his film career, except for his role as Smokey in Friday – that role was special. By the way, did anyone see Rush Hour 3? I thought it was equally ridiculous and bland, but did you notice how Chris Tucker’s head has ballooned to Barry Bonds-like proportions? That cannot be healthy.

Deborah Gibson – I don’t know who she is but she has a sultry IMDB photo.

Buddy Hackett – I didn't know who he was either but apparently he used to be a famous comedian. I only know him as a reference in Tommy Boy.
“Hey Richard, maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh, what's his name? Buddy Wackett?"
That was a masturbation joke in case you haven't seen the movie. I'm not sure what it is about masturbatory humor that always gets me off excited ejaculated laughing.

What do you guys think of the birthday boys (and girl)?


Sadie said...

Are you serious? You don't know Deborah Gibson?

What if I told you that she used to go by "Debbie?"

Still nothing?


God I'm old.

Debbie Gibson's greatest hits

nadeem said...

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april said...

I don't know Deborah Gibson or Buddy Hackett either, and I only remember seeing that Zack Ward guy getting slaugthered by the doggies.

Kristen said...

Oh my god, is that really Teri Hatcher? That is a scary, scary picture.

Matt said...

sadie - The cd says 1996 but it sounds like the 80s to me. I guess I'm more of a Hall & Oats kind of guy.

And when I met people who are younger than me I ask them if they know who MacGuyver is. When they say "no" I feel old.

nadeem - First you must pass a test before I link with you. That test: link with me. I'm easy.

kristen - I'm working on a theory that Teri Hatcher recently had a chemical accident like the Joker in which her face was horribly disfigured and had to be stitched back up into a maniacally smiling and never-changing visage. That or she just looks bad.

Matt said...

april - Zack Ward actually has a pretty long resume on IMDB, but nothing tops the doggie slaughtering in my opinion.

T$ said...

Teri Hatcher is one plastic beast...

Matt said...

t$ - you said it. By the way, does your name translate to "t-money?" Because that's how I say it in my head.

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