VH1 is hitting the lonely, desperate male demographic hard in its newest reality show The Pick Up Artist. The Pick Up Artist or PUA (acronyms are a staple of this show) is led by supreme PUA, Mystery, and his wingmen Matador and J-Dog. I am not making this up. Their job is to take eight men suffering from varying degrees of social ineptitude and turn them into Master PUAs.
I’m going to reveal a few spoilers now so please look away if you don’t want to taint your macking viewing pleasure.
By the end of the one episode I saw (the 4th?), three of the eight lady killer wannabes had been voted off. They included Stephen “The Spoon,” who got voted off despite his incredible nickname, as well as Fred the 45 year old virgin (gasp!) and Scott the intellectual (no way!).
The remaining five contestants have proven themselves competent at Mystery’s pick up methodology which is so full of jargon that watching The PUA is a lot like watching a Star Trek episode.
First picture Mystery, aka Erik von Markovik (wise choice with the pseudonym Erik), and his wingmen Matador and J-Dog sitting in a dark room watching a large screen of his pupils, or away team, as they confront delicious female life forms. The pupils have invisible ear radios to hear Mystery’s directions (true!).
[Pupil sees an attractive female]
Pupil: Hottie spotted.
Mystery: Begin Step 1 of the Mystery Method. Begin Operation: Attraction.
[Pupil begins opening lines with female]
Mystery: Good work number 2. Commence with Operation: Comfort.
[Pupil begins moving closer to female]
[Female also begins to move closer to pupil and laughs at his “jokes”]
Mystery: We have reported 2 IOIs (Indicator’s of Interest). Begin Phase Shift to Seduction phase of the Mystery Model.
[Pupil initiates kissy face]
[Female turns shoulder and sticks out hand]
Mystery: Warning number two! Warning! Bitch Shield has been activated! I repeat, Bitch Shield has been activated! Abort, Abort!
J-Dog: He sucks.
Despite the temptation to dismiss The Pick Up Artist as just another sensationalist reality show that objectifies women and idolizes the promiscuous male, there’s actually a much more wholesome side to the entire operation. A side that I call Operation: Inspire. You see, the Pick Up Artist isn’t about getting guys laid. Well it is, but in addition to getting guys laid it’s also about raising men’s confidence. And there is nothing more noble than raising men’s confidence while simultaneously teaching them how to get laid.
When I saw flashbacks to how the contestants started out, with their glasses and awkward shuffles, I saw how far they had come. I mean, the 45 year old virgin and The Spoon must have really sucked because they were voted off in the first couple episodes, but the nice guy intellectual really did show a lot of improvement. He no longer wore glasses. He had accepted that picking up women was his new purpose in life. Yeah, he had really come a long way.
So if you want to see a show about guys learning how to manipulate women into one night stands, then watch The Pick Up Artist. But if you want to see an inspirational show about guys learning how to manipulate women into one night stands, then you’ll also want to watch The Pick Up Artist.
Let me know if you see any more Pick Up Artist episodes because I'll probably miss them but my, uh, friend wants to know what happens.
P.S. Keep those Comedy Movie Quotes coming. Only one more day!