The Spoon

Hate kids? Play Fantasy Sports

Fantasy sports (check here for the Wikipedia definition) is like vicariously living through your children. When your kids do well (get good grades, get a hot girlfriend, stay out of prison, etc.) you can brag about it to all the other fathers and parents in your neighborhood. When they fail (get bad grades, teenage pregnancy, play for the Oakland Raiders, etc.) your neighbors will give you serious crap. But in order for your children to win, you've got to cheer that the other guy's kids fail. And literally, all athletes are somebody's kid so you're already rooting for some guy's kid to screw up so you can whip their sorry beeehind in a game about meaningless numbers. That's evil.

And what if you have several fantasy teams in the same sport? That's like having illegitimate families on the side and unless you're Mormon that's just not right. And eventually some of your babies are going to be playing against you in a different league and that's also messed up. It's like asking your kid to try out for the flag team instead of the cheerleading squad; they can't be total losers, but you don't want them doing too well either.

So when you boil it all down, fantasy sports are all about wishing evils upon your neighbor's (or your own illegitimate) children. Right now I'm wishing a debillitating STD upon Terrell Owens and sunshine and lollypops for Terry Glenn. Evil, man, evil.