The Spoon

My Facial Hair Adventure or How I learned to stop shaving and love my man-hair

I usually prefer to go with a couple days worth of stubble as a relatively easy and painless claim to masculinity (The obvious alternative being having a girlfriend). It brings a sensitive, yet dangerous flavor to my baby soft skin.

But last week I decided to take the plunge into a hairy new domain. A domain previously occupied by the likes of Don Johnson and George Michael. A domain I call "The Hairy Domain." Countless websites exist on the internet that teach men (in my own mind I pretend this applies to me) how to grow that perfect beard/goatee/soul patch/pubic hair. Most sites agree that the entire facial-lawn should be grown out for at least one entire week and several state that no blade should near the facial hedges for at least 6 weeks.

6 weeks seemed like a daunting task, but I had nothing to lose. I put my electric razor down and went back to watching the Princess Diaries.

I lasted 10 days.

That may not seem like a long time, but 10 days without shaving is a very long time for a guy who had never before gone beyond 5. I itched and scratched and I feared waking up, looking in the mirror, and seeing Matthew McConaughey's godawful scrotum-hair beard staring back at me. Well, this never happened, but I did end up looking mildly vagrant and flagrantly unemployed.

So this afternoon I went into my bathroom, grabbed my razor and went to work.

Initially I meant to shave everything off and forget about the entire experiment. But my nerves steadied and I went about sculpting my face-hair into a reasonable design. Of course, I took frequent breaks to look at googled photos of goateed men for inspiration. I also took several test pictures of myself with my camera, peering this way and that and smiling as if I were seeing an old friend for the first time in a while.

"Oh hi Ted! How are you?"
"What? I look different? Well, yes thank you I have been working out, but I've always been this ripped. I guess you never noticed before."
"What's that? You think I look like - like Matthew McConaughey? You goddamn bastard!"

It took almost forty minutes, but I'm reasonably pleased with the results.

I settled on a smaller moustache that extends out to the "smile lines" (a phrase I saw frequently on goatee websites) with a bottom thatch of hair that is rounded about my chin with a little extra on the sides. I find it rogueish and only faintly porn-starish (or is it pornstar-ish?).

I have no idea how long this facial-do will last, but I'll keep you updated. As if you really do want to hear about my facial adventures.

Also, if you have facial hair adventures you've been dying to share (there's gotta be at least one out there), please do so.