The Spoon

Halloween is Super(un)naturally Sexy

Let me get something off my chest: Halloween and me don't really get along. Even as a child I never had a sweet tooth and I've never liked dressing up. When I was forced to wear a costume I always stuck with the same unofficial theme and I challenge you to figure it out. When I was six I dressed up as a crying ghost. A year later I was the crying cowboy and the year after that I wowed my entire neighborhood as the crying and screaming pirate. Once I hit puberty I knew I couldn't top these gems so I hung up my fake spurs and peg leg and never wore a costume again.

Fortunately, as I've gotten older I've learned to appreciate other people's enthusiasm for Halloween. I especially admire Halloween enthusiasm when it's in the form of sexy costumes. This isn't to say I only like slinky bunny outfits, oh no sirreee. I like a wide variety of Halloween costumes, such as the sexy nurse, the sexy witch, and even the sexy street-walker.

Despite my newfound appreciation for Halloween enthusiasm (in the form of sexy costumes), Halloween still takes time out of its busy schedule to bust my chops. For example, I might innocently be following a very creative outfit like this one.

This costume has good tone and firmness.

I follow, follow, follow and maybe I bump into a pole or two whilst caught in the throes of appreciation. No biggie. Finally I catch up to the costume and find out that the creative sexy person wearing it is in fact a guy. Usually he is not as attractive as the woman I expected to see.

This guy is not bringing "sexy" back.

I don't understand how dudes with adam's apples and five o' clock shadows can have legs like that, I really dont. And you'd think I would learn my lesson after the first ten or fifteen times this happened. Nope. I swear something about Halloween gets into me and hairy man-legs magically draw my eyes like evil voodoo magnets. Just one more reason why Halloween and me aren't BFF.

Consider this a public service announcement to all you innocents out there and I hope your Halloween involved fewer sexy man-legs than mine.